To have had enough of it all?

[Reallyhadadenoughofitall]

I just really have. Feel utterly crap and fed up.

I've been away for several days for work, got back late yesterday. 2 teen DC have been here by themselves. While I was away no washing or washing up has been done.

At Xmas, DC1 bought their best friend some expensive boots (£70). They didn't fit. Last weekend when putting some laundry in DC1s room I found the boots which hadn't been sent back. I told DC1 to sort it out. This STILL hasn't been done. Apparently an email was sent to find out how to return them but no reply has been received - wtf?

Last weekend I also told DC2 to sort out his room which is a fucking health hazard. Literally nothing has been done.

My cleaner (ha fucking ha) came in the week while I was away. Despite me asking her several times, she doesn't clean everywhere. In fact I'm struggling to see what she does DP on 3 hours- doesn't clean toilets properly ( basically she squirts toilet duck round and leaves it), doesn't dust or polish, this week she doesn't even seen to have done anything in the kitchen. I can't keep having to fucking micromanage her, it's bad enough I have to do it with my DC.

Everything is just saying the same stuff over and over and over again.

There's also a load of crap going on with my relationship. Not even sure where to begin with that except that he seems utterly bored with me and to view me as little more than a friend, and rebuffs any kind of advance I make, so not sure where that's going really. Probably towards a row where it's all my fault.

At the moment I feel like running away from all of it. Unfortunately I have nowhere to go.

She comes on a Weds in the middle of the day so I can't really be here although DC1 will be. I'll have to text and ask her to leave the key...

OH is not a conversation I'm keen to have right now thought I know I need to.

Any tips on how I ditch the bloody Cleaner? I'm not good at confrontation. Can I just text her to say situation has changed and I won't need her any more?

It's not a confrontation, it's a termination of employment. I'm guessing she's self employed and not through an agency? You can give her written notice via whatever method you mostly communicate and you can simply say thanks for all your work but my circumstances have changed and I no longer require a cleaner.

Do not be THIS worried about what others think of you, OP.

If you don't mind my saying, don't broach the conversation with OH as "do you think I'm too fat?" Rather what you would like, "I'd like us to be happier, have more fun, talk more, go for that week end in XX" and see what he says.
People rarely, especially in more mature relationships, base love on weight of partner!

We normally communicate by text/ email. Yes she's self employed.

I think a cleaning agency may be better next time. Far easier to say it's not working with one cleaner then they can send a different one.

I really do care what people think of me and I'm very sensitive to perceived criticism.

So if/ when I speak to OH I know if I say I'd like us to have more fun/ do more he'll say I don't suggest anything or never seem keen to do anything and then I will feel attacked and get defensive. Or just clam up entirely.

Why don't you just say after next week I won't need you to clean anymore as I've decided to do it myself. A friend of mine told her cleaner she had decided to de-clutter, and decorate, after which she would be doing her own cleaning. They are still on good terms, so it must have done the trick without offending her.

If it were me I wouldn't give the cleaner any advance notice and would tell her in person the request the return of my key, thus giving her no opportunity to get a duplicate cut.

Don't read them the riot act. Show them the front door and mean it if they don't get their shit together. Young/Adults that age should know you're not their fucking house keeper and they can go live with their Dad if they dont sort their crap out.

I feel your pain. Had to work away yesterday, left house immaculate and had a lie in today. Get up to a complete war zone (young DCs not teens and DH in charge). DH thinks I should be grateful for a lie in. I am furious, there is random stuff everywhere, every cupboard door he opens he leaves open. Pile of overflowing tea bags. Anything for recycling is just washed then piled up on the side of the sink. Can't clean the kitchen because I couldn't find the spray. Eventually find the spray in the playroom - wtf?! The only thing that works is when I have a complete meltdown about living in a shit tip but it shouldn't have to come to that.
I would add I've also been quite ill as well lately and it doesn't help, my mum bought me some Metatone (tonic) which have to say has helped me a lot. And whilst my cleaner is lovely I have to be SOOO prescriptive e.g. If I say "clean the bathroom" she will not do the floor which seems mad to me so I have to say "clean the bathroom and floor" it winds me up but I've learnt it's the only way to get things done. and

As others have said dont go in the bedrooms or do their laundry if they want to live in a shit tip let them, when their bedding smells horrible and they have no clean clothes to wear they will realise how much mom does and when they moan , hand them the washing detergent and show them which setting the machine goes on, then hand them a clean set of bedding and tell them you expect the dirty ones back within one hour, worked with my mucky son, he soon changed his ways, buy some paper plates and plastic knives and forks and when they look at you like youve gone mad say well im not doing all the washing up and point them in the direction of the sink with a bottle of fairy and a scourer, or buy loads of crappy ready meals that go in the microwave and say if you dont want to eat off clean plates then you can eat straight out of the containers.show them how to use an iron, then sit back and let them get on with it, yes your house will look a tip for a few days, grit your teeth and let it, they will come round when they realise how mucky the house they live in has become, and yes if your cleaner is not making your house look at least like she has done some work sack her, but dont get another one for a week or two so the other people in your house realise how much is done for them,

I showed my dd how to use the washing machine when she was 10ish. I still did her laundry for a few years, but she was completely self-sufficient laundry-wise by the time she was 15, maybe earlier.

Show your children how the machine works, if necessary type up step by step instructions, print them out and put them on the wall so they don't keep bothering you with "what do I do next? I can't remember" and leave them to it.

They'll have to learn how to use a launderette at some point in their lives.

And I would be tempted to put al, the washing up (minus one of each plate, bowl etc) in a bowl on one of their beds. When you cook tonight, you will have a nice clean plate to eat it from and they will have to wash one each before they get to eat.

You feel crap because you are unable to control things that are affecting you. You can start by getting some of this back by getting rid of the cleaner (and look for another, if you feel the need) and ending the relationship to start with. These are people you don’t actually need leeching off you.

The teens are more of a challenge. Family meeting? Riot act? Ultimatums? What’s your bottom line, what’s REALLY important that they do? Anything else is a bonus.

They've been able to use a washing machine since they were 8. Ive honestly never babied them. They know how to do everything. They just don't bother! By the age of 4 they could make their own breakfast and I swear they spilled less milk and cereal then...

Ive told them I won't do any washing. DC1 went to work in a huff in unwashed clothes. DC2 however would wear the same clothes for a week or more so is more of a challenge.

I don't want to end the relationship I don't think. I still think it will get better- is that stupid?

Don't panic about sacking the cleaner, she is not your employee, she is self employed therefore running a small business. She should provide better service to please and retain her clients.

As for the family I agree with pp, don't replace her straight away and don;t pick up the slack yourself. Let them see and learn the hard way what is needed to do to maintain the house!

I have 4 teenagers and the house is a tip. every time I turn around there is another basket of dirty washing, they use a towel once then put it in the wash. It's a nightmare. We sometimes run out of glasses and cereal bowls as they are all in the kids rooms. I've thought about a cleaner but there's just too much mess and clutter for anyone to clean easily.

In your position I would go on strike entirely. Just clean your own things and let them look after their things. Anything dirty gets dumped in their rooms.

They're old enough to not be acting like toddlers.

I think I can let the cleaner go. I'll send her a msg the day she cleans for us, and ask her to leave the key. I'll start looking for another one too. Realistically they can't be much worse!

Some work has been done by DC today. Small steps. I'm not doing any washing though until they've done everything I asked over a week ago. I'll do my own laundry. Just not theirs.

That just leaves my relationship. Really not sure what to do there. I don't even know how to start the conversation. How do you say to someone that you know they're not interested in you any more? It brings up every feeling of insecurity and not being 'worth' anything. That my appearance means I'm not worthy of love. I've stuck with him through a lot. But I feel like now he's made his mind up, but just not told me.

Hun, you are worth so much more than an uninterested oaf.

You are loving, caring, kind, nurturing, smart, and many many more things that we don't even know about.

If that man does not appreciate you, then he is not worth your efforts and emotions.

Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel cherished, loved, supported. If he does not make you feel that way, he does not deserve you.

He did make me feel all those things. We are, well were at least, a team. But it feels now like there's nothing I can do. That he's decided. But then I still see him most days. May be that's just habit on his part. Or it's just nice to have me around, like a friend or something. We have had ups and downs. But in the last couple of months I've started to feel that he doesn't love or desire me. It's horrible.

Make him notice you by making sure you notice him - make him feel wanted and loved (put it on for now as I know this is hard with how things are) and he will more than likely start to feel more positive to you and show it. Start with a simple compliment for him - "I like that top on you, it's one of my favourites" or something similar. Take him out for dinner? - maybe the money you save on a week or two of no cleaner whilst you are in between people you can have a date night together for the same amount.

I do try this already. We go out once a week for a meal, or cinema or something. I will make an effort to compliment him more but its hard when theres nothing coming back. He has a lot on his mind, he's no longer in contact with his DC (long story I won't go into), has health issues. I try to cut hm some slack but i dont know if Im just kidding myself.

He says he is a great communicator. I don't like confrontation or difficult conversations, thst said in previous relationships I never found they were necessary? I just got to a point where I decided enough was enough and ended it. My DCs dad was a complete arse, I never needed to discuss our issues because I knew what they were (He was an arse) and I knew after the first 2 years I was just biding my time until DC were a bit older. The difference here I suppose is I'm not ready to cut my losses. I haven't given up on us.

Agreed. Nothing will improve without talking about it. But starting a conversation like that is so difficult if like me you avoid any discussion where you might get an answer you don't like, or hear something about yourself you don't want to hear.