To have had enough of it all?

[Reallyhadadenoughofitall]

I just really have. Feel utterly crap and fed up.

I've been away for several days for work, got back late yesterday. 2 teen DC have been here by themselves. While I was away no washing or washing up has been done.

At Xmas, DC1 bought their best friend some expensive boots (£70). They didn't fit. Last weekend when putting some laundry in DC1s room I found the boots which hadn't been sent back. I told DC1 to sort it out. This STILL hasn't been done. Apparently an email was sent to find out how to return them but no reply has been received - wtf?

Last weekend I also told DC2 to sort out his room which is a fucking health hazard. Literally nothing has been done.

My cleaner (ha fucking ha) came in the week while I was away. Despite me asking her several times, she doesn't clean everywhere. In fact I'm struggling to see what she does DP on 3 hours- doesn't clean toilets properly ( basically she squirts toilet duck round and leaves it), doesn't dust or polish, this week she doesn't even seen to have done anything in the kitchen. I can't keep having to fucking micromanage her, it's bad enough I have to do it with my DC.

Everything is just saying the same stuff over and over and over again.

There's also a load of crap going on with my relationship. Not even sure where to begin with that except that he seems utterly bored with me and to view me as little more than a friend, and rebuffs any kind of advance I make, so not sure where that's going really. Probably towards a row where it's all my fault.

At the moment I feel like running away from all of it. Unfortunately I have nowhere to go.

How you feel: I don't feel amazing. I feel useless and awful.Like if I'd done a better job with my kids they wouldn't be like this.
If I managed my cleaner better she would do a decent job or if I was slimmer/ made more effort my OH wouldbe interested in me.

How it is: regardless of the job you do teenagers are horrible and kids in general just take the piss. In fact most people will try to take the piss if they can hence why your cleaner is so half-arsed. And how about if your OH made more effort to help you then out then you would have the time and energy to put into yourself and you would feel more attractive.

So long as you keep blaming yourself for everything then everyone else will blame you too. But you really are better than that

Why does MN always think cutting off wifi is the answer to everything?

First thing to do is sack the cleaner and get a new one. Get the place absolutely spotless and make sure new cleaner keeps it that way. Don't go into kids' rooms or let the cleaner clean them unless they're tidy. Make them do their own laundry.

Wash yourself a plate, cup and knife and fork. Put rest of dishes in bags and dump them on their beds.

I say this but I'd be the first to cave in but we can dream can't we!

Just seen phones paid for by Dad. So no leverage on wifi, then. Appeal to their adulthood? - not children living with parents, but adults sharing a house. So then they pay share of costs - 1/3 council tax, 1/3 fuel bills, can't really charge them for mortgage but they can contribute to maintenance, and so on. Do your sums first!

Then work on fair allocation of work in shared areas. They are responsible for their own laundry and washing up, but it mustn't impact on you, so 4hr time limit, say, on dirty washing up in kitchen, then it gets dumped on their bed. Evict at the the first mouse.

It's true they could be a lot worse. I've never really had any serious problems with them, no excessive drinking, no drugs, no fighting . Never been in trouble with the police or at school. They're very caring towards their friends see the £70 boots because DC1s best friend loved them but couldnt afford them herself).

Start with changing one thing only - I'd start with them having to do their own laundry perhaps. If it isn't done they'll start to feel the effects pretty soon. Be firm, don't do it for them. Once they get that message move onto something else - maybe write a checklist for the cleaner and give her a set time to improve otherwise she will be losing her job. If needs be get a new cleaner. Make a rota for the washing up and other chores that need doing. Increase rent and then give them back money from it if they do the chores?

OK, I hear you OP.

Dump the loser boyfriend - sounds like he is doing the slow fade on you anyway - take the initiative and you will feel a glimmer of power.

Stop worrying about shit that is nothing to do with you, like DS getting his refund - it doesn't affect you does it?

Sack the cleaner and get one that cleans.

Tell DS19 that his board will have to go up if he doesn't keep his room tidy and clean as you will have to buy in extra resources. AND DO IT.

Tell DS17 that you need his help and that of he doesn't help out more you will take the router to work with you (I have done this several times) and withdraw any other privileges you can think of such as pocket money/lifts/etc.

They are walking all over you. Tell them you cannot live like this any longer and you will sell up and ship out without them unless there is rapid and sustainable change.

Posted too soon.

I'm fed up because work was a nightmare, my home is my sanctuary
I've got this horrible virus (didn't get the full on flu bit every few days go through a cycle of sore ears and throat, then cough then blocked nose, cough again and then it starts afresh) so feel below par and was looking forward to coming home.

I hate that I ask people to do stuff and they ignore me. Like sending back the present, Dc1 keeping his room tidy. Cleaner doing the areas I'd asked her to.

I feel really unattractive at the moment too. Like my relationship would be better if I was slimmer. But I am quite overweight and can't lose weight overnight, I am trying but it will take months.

That sounds tough for you. But I don't think your teenagers are any worse than many. But certainly don't blame your cleaner. I don't think she can tidy and clean a messy house in three hours. But I'd get a different cleaner and more hours. She does sound a bit hopeless. Day before cleaner comes tidy up with everyone mucking in. Stuff off floor clothes in wardrobes and so on.

Op - please stop beating yourself up.
If you're not feeling well, take care of yourself first - shower, sleep, whatever you need to do. When you're feeling better you can start to tackle the other things.
Eg - DCs - you are adults sharing a house - I expect a,b,c to happen (don't clean up after them, don't do their washing or washing up, and keep reminding them why)
Cleaner is not doing the job so - goodbye.
OH - if all he cares about is how slim you are - goodbye.

She didn't touch the DCs rooms which is fine. I accept if they're not tidy she can't go in there. But the rest of the house is/ was tidy enough for her to have cleaned, she's just not done anything. She's not properly cleaned the floors or hoovered the stairs. Not cleaned bathrooms properly which were perfectly tidy. No dusting anywhere. I just can't be bothered with her any more. I don't know what she does in the hours she's here but I am struggling to see any benefit. The house doesn't even smell cleaner (which it does if I was to do a dedicated 3 hour clean in one go). Ok thsts decided I'm going to have to get rid of her. She has a key to the house though, I will need to get that back.

They can't be bothered to do things for you, so you no longer have to do things for them

^
This
It’s time to stop doing laundry and anything else you normally do for your DCs. You can shout and yell all you like but they just know that you will do it all anyhow just as you always have. They won’t hear you until they need a clean tshirt or need a lift somewhere.

Like if I'd done a better job with my kids they wouldn't be like this.

It's a hugely common problem for a reason, OP.

OK, cry at them. Tell them your home used to be your sanctuary but now...... and cry.

Nothing worse than seeing your mum in tears, especially when you know you could have done something to prevent it.

BTW, that't not manipulative - it would be if you didn't feel as you do, but as it is it's just honestly how you feel.

Poor you OP

I would email them both. A short, concise account of how you feel and what you're going to do if there is no change by a certain date in the near future.

Tell them you will help them to find a place to share (perhaps include a few links to dives flats they could barely afford) because you have no intention of carrying on like this for any longer. Don't go on about the small stuff like the boots. Don't talk about this to them. If nothing else, the email will show them that you mean business.

Tell the cleaner that you no longer need her. Pay to get the place deep cleaned (warn the kids that this is happening and they need to clear their rooms for it) and employ a new cleaner to keep the rest of the house ticking over.
Don't worry about the state of their rooms after that. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

dump the dirty plates in their rooms

(keep a selection of ones for yourself to clean)

don't do their laundry, they are more than old enough to do their own laundry

honestly I cannot fathom how a 17 year and 19 year old can think this is okay and frankly you have to do everything you can to show that it's not acceptable

you say they just won't use plates (??) but when every receptacle has been used and you've popped it on their bed, they're going to notice!

if you give them lifts anywhere - hopefully you don't - then stop

re the boots if they bought then with their own money and cba returning them, that's kind of their loss?

I wouldn't email my own kids...I'd call a house meeting, sit down and tell them very straight and explain why. I also wouldn't cry at them on purpose (I realise OP's under a huge amount of strain and might not be able to hold it all together....I just wouldn't do it intentionally). I don't think emotional blackmail is the way forward and anyway they quite likely wouldn't care. They've surely seen her upset with it before.

I'd leave their own rooms to them; that's their space and if they want to live like pigs, let them. They'll never be able to bring girls home in that state. But the communal areas must be respected and treated as such.

Stop doing your DC's laundry. They will soon notice that there are no more clean clothes. Only cook for yourself and stop giving lifts etc. You need to get tougher with your teenagers.

Gosh OP youRe not alone!
The stuff you've said is really shit for you, low level grind. But remember the virus has taken your resilience away. Viruses can really lower your mood.
Teenagers are just massively selfish they look like adults but this is a cruel trick. They are toddlers who have smuggled themselves into a grown ups body......treat accordingly.
Lead from the front, cheerful ( pretend), strong (pretend) and determined (no you really are this one). Explain carefully and often what needs to be done with examples of the results " ooh it's great to be in a clean kitchen. We can have so and so around ( name of their friend) for a nice takeaway."
I recommend positivity because even if it doesn't work on them you feel better! I'm not a great one for dump it on their bed/cut off the wifi etc because it's all so negative and depressing for you. That may be my problem though!
I do also think firm 'no' is good too, no going out until things are cleaned, no visitors till house is nice, etc.
OH sounds like an arse and you need a new cleaner though.
Remember you have done an amazing job and they'd be lost without you.
Middle aged mums unite!

I'm so sorry for all the shit flying your way. Sack the cleaner, she's obviously a lazy bastard, and a waste of money. I could give you some advice about your relationship, but I can't as mine is pretty dismal. My son's bedroom is always a mess, I don't bother cleaning it anymore, I just keep the door shut. I've noticed though, when it gets too much even for him, he does clean it.

Thanks you all talk a lot of sense!

Any tips on how I ditch the bloody Cleaner? I'm not good at confrontation. Can I just text her to say situation has changed and I won't need her any more?

My dislike for confrontation means I'm also not having any proper discussion with my OH. I am certain he is bored with our relationship, doesn't find me attractive at my size, thinks I don't try. I don't want to broach any of this with him though so it all sits there like the elephant in the room.