To be upset?

[twerp123]

A few weeks ago my Mum was taken to hospital. She spent a few days in the ICU, unconscious, and unfortunately passed away a few days after being admitted. It broke my heart. She lived in another country so I had to drop everything and fly over.
I got back last night. DH opened the door for me and went back to his game. Didn't ask how I am, didn't sit down to talk to me. He wanted to finish the match (fifa).
Am I being ridiculous for expecting that if you come back after being away for a few weeks dealing with your mother's death and everything that comes with it, your husband should turn off his playstation and give you his attention?
Or am I just being too sensitive?

@OutToGetYou I packed in a rush and forgot it.

Sorry for your loss, it’s an awful time and grieving doesn’t have a handy little timeframe of grieve and that’s it done, everything is back to normal.
You have a new normal, one that you will gradually adapt to at your pace and your dh needs to understand this.

I lost a parent fairly recently and similarly had to drop everything and go. My dh doesn’t really do emotion but he understands that I needed and still need comforting when it gets too hard. It’s basic level of empathy and you shouldn’t have to be made to feel guilty for expecting it from the person who is meant to love you.

@toomanynamestochoose how does it make you feel? Knowing that in one of the most horrible moments in your life, you couldn't count on your husband?

Understandable, I just wondered.

Oh for Pete's sake, some people are far less emotionally wired than others and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you accept it going in. Has he always been like this? It may just be his way of coping. I'm sure you're not always at 100% for him either. Cut each other some slack.

@balsamicbarbara you're right. But I think there are certain circumstances when even the least emotionally wired people know how to act. I'm not asking for 100%.

I'm struggling thb. Whenever he is affectionate I kind of freeze because all I can think of is how he wasn't at all caring when I needed him - when he had to put in a bit of effort it was too much like hard work. He does say he is trying to change but I think I am going to find someone to talk to about things as I find it hard to let go of what he did ( it wasn't the first time - 18 months previously my DF had a heart attack and was in ICU and I wanted to go straight to see him but DS had a uni interview. So DH's solution was that I did 2 sides of a triangle journey to drop DS at his interview before going to hospital whilst he (DH) went to his birthday lunch at his sisters house )
People often say when someone shows you who they are - believe them. I can't LTB due to circumstances but it is tough - he is starting to say all the right things because I am now able to communicate calmly how wrong he was and there is no defence - seeing a difference in his actions is what counts though.

What the actual fuck. What an arse biscuit.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you have good friends to support you? xxx

I'd be tempted to put all his games in a box and music magpie the lot of them

So, his "apology" is actually to get you just to shut the fuck up on this occasion? Because if he's still saying you're over-reacting, he's not really sorry is he?

for you.

Exactly FitBitFanClub. You've hit the nail in the head.

@toomanynamestochoose
I'm not surprised you can't let it go. It's awful when people we should be able to count on, disappoint us. Your DH behaved in a very unkind way. I'm so sorry about your DF bear hugs for you 🐻

Thank you twerp123. Big bear hugs back to you for the loss of your DM. You need to be kind to yourself and concentrate on grieving for now. It sounds selfish but if there's only you thinking of yourself then so be it. Then when you feel able to you can address things with your DH. You have enough to be upset about at the minute

I meant *thinking only of yourself

I've never said this before, but I actually think you should show him this thread to show him what an absolute dick he is being. Then, when you're feeling a bit stronger- pack his bags. He won't change.

Wow 😮

Balsamicbarbara - did you actually read the thread? You understand that the OP’s mum died very recently? I can’t believe you think your message is appropriate.
Twerp - I am so sorry for your loss and for your dh’s crappy response. Don’t make any decisions yet but look after yourself. Take care.

Truly believe people show their true colours in times of need, he prioritised his needs/wants over yours, unacceptable.

Thank you all for your replies I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Right now I can't be bothered with him. All I want to do is think about my beloved Mum

So sorry for your loss. I don't think you should be making life decisions just yet. ...but it is situations like this that open our eyes.

💐for you. Think only for you, your children and your lovely mum.
When you have the strength, start looking at the bigger picture, and change the outcomes. I Am so sorry for your loss.

In all honesty, I don't think showing him this thread is the right way forward. He doesn't believe you when you tell him how you felt, how his actions affected you - why on earth would he believe a bunch of strangers on the internet? And he'd probably say you were exaggerating/only telling your side of the story (Obviously!) so they're going on incomplete information. If you're really "lucky" he'd also throw in that it had been "hard on him too" while you were away.

In other words, you'd just get more defensiveness, more excuses for why he behaved so badly, plus he'd know about MN. Not worth it.

This is not at all ok. Not acceptable. To be honest, my DH stops whatever he's doing to give me a hug when I walk in from the shops. I know not everyone is Like that, but this is way too far the other way.