If it came to divorce - would this be a reasonable request?

[MonaLiPeach]

It's looking possible that DH and I are nearing the end of our marriage. Nobody has mentioned divorce yet but I'm a forward planner and have been thinking about the logistics.

Basically we own the house jointly and in the eyes of the law, own 50/50 each. Morally however I know that DH put around £20k more into it when we first moved in. I'm not a scammer so would not try and take that from him. So in the event of divorce, the house would, I'm assuming be sold and he would get his £20k back and the rest would be split equally. I couldn't get a mortgage on this house as a single person and couldn't afford to buy him out. So either way, I'd have to leave eventually.

However, I work on a casual hours contract so in order to get a mortgage for any house, I'd need to get a full time, permanent position which thankfully won't be a problem in my line of work.

Would it be an unreasonable request to suggest to DH that I stay here for a year to two years - paying the full mortgage and all associated costs/bills and he move out? This would give me the time to get a permanent job, be in said job for required amount of time and also save for a deposit for another house? He would stop all financial contributions from the date he moves out and when it comes to selling, he'd have two years worth of mortgage payments (from me) added to the overall investment? Then we sell, he gets the £20k back and the rest is split (including the two years payments from me).

Also, that way my youngest son will be an adult and no longer reliant on me to house him.

Is it reasonable?

He's more or less accused me of being a gold digger before. During an argument once he said I'd come with nothing and shackled up with him and now living the high life off him. So I don't want to confirm that notion. I got with him because I loved him. Of course the money was a bonus but it isn't what I'm after. All I want is the money from the proceeds of the house minus what he put into it and the time to sort myself out so I can buy somewhere alone.

Get legal advice. I have suffered financially in the past because I've done what I 'felt' was 'right', instead of doing things legally.

Just to add, I had a permanent full time position and it was DH that encouraged me to leave it and work casual hours instead. He also encouraged me to come out of my pension plan whilst he has a good pension waiting for him when he retires - of which we've paid into monthly since we've been together. I wouldn't try and claim that even though the payments have essentially come from household money.

He encouraged you to give up a secure position and your pension plan???

You are nuts if you think giving him 'back' the security deposit for the house and splitting everything else 50/50 is sensible. He has already cost you security and actual money and a secure retirement.

Stop trying to look like the 'good' guy and protect yourself!

See a lawyer. It's not money-grabbing to expect what is reasonable, even if 'reasonable' is more than half under the circumstances.

If he's accusing you of being gold digger, this isn't going to be an amicable divorce and he isn't going to be as pure and honorable as you.

So get legal advice now as he is not going to give you a penny.

So he persuaded you to reduce your hours and to stop your own pension, and calls you a gold digger?? Erm - get legal advice.

Is your son his son too? Did you stay at home raising them at any point? If so then the £20k is equally yours now.

He sounds awful. You sound as though you have been conditioned by him to think of yourself as being grabby.

The law is moral. Please pursue what you are legally and morally entitled to in a divorce by seeking proper advice - not what your husband has conditioned you to think is morally correct.

I had a permanent full time position and it was DH that encouraged me to leave it and work casual hours instead. He also encouraged me to come out of my pension plan whilst he has a good pension waiting for him when he retires - of which we've paid into monthly since we've been together. I wouldn't try and claim that even though the payments have essentially come from household money.

You're being far too generous towards him. You have a right to claim on his pension.

I'm assuming that it made life easier for him and enabled him to earn more, having you in casual hours and - I'm assuming - doing the bulk of the unpaid domestic labour, and child-raising/child care.

If you calculated what that would have cost, if your domestic labour had been paid ...

Also, if his pension payments came out of the family income, then you are due some of them.

Please, please, don't be 'unselfish' - there are too many elderly women living in poverty because of their unpaid domestic work, in order for their husbands' careers to flourish - at the wife's expense.

And you ARE entitled to part of his pension. So fuck that.

And if you're divorcing, who cares what he thinks about you? You're not going to be with him anymore!

Don't deprive yourself and your future to 'prove' him or anybody else wrong. He has helped put you in the poor position you are in, and then called you names after doing so ('golddigger')?!? Fuck that!

Stand up for yourself!

I have fixed term contract (so NOT permanent) & I can get a mortgage (people in my position do, often). Are you actually self-employed, is that what you mean?

I don't like pensions put into divorce pots b/c the value on paper tends to be ridiculous & have no bearing on the actual benefits anyone will ever get from their pension (ok, that one person who lives to 115 might just about get the paper value, but no one else).

From what I read here, you're entitle to 50% of house at least, OP. You made joint decisions that affected both your finances for yrs. There is no "his not hers" with regard to the tangible assets.

Have you been to the bank, I think you may still get a mortgage on a casual contract. They would need to see wage slips for six months...good luck

During an argument once he said I'd come with nothing and shackled up with him and now living the high life off him. So I don't want to confirm that notion

Fuck him. If you divorce it does not matter what he thinks of you.

Tot up the costs of all the unpaid domestic labour you've done.

Tot up the costs of your income foregone

Tot up the losses of your pension foregone.

He owes you. I'd be sure of that.

I wouldn't take the £20k either nor his pension but you will get plenty telling you to go for it.

I'd not ask for two years in the house though and would be gaining full time employment now so that you can buy him out and get your own mortgage. It won't take two years to find a full time job. It's unfair to ask him to house children that aren't his whilst he also loses his home.

Just make a clean split, he gets his deposit back and his pension and you jointly split anything amassed during the marriage. Then you are both free to make a fresh start rather than dragging it out for years

OP should still take responsibility for her decision to cut her hours and stop paying into a pension.
She's got 2 older children that aren't his - she's got no excuse for thinking like some naïve 18yo that marriage is forever!

Doesn't sound like anyone forced her to cut her hours - she wanted to, and he was supportive of that. It was a joint decision so she should not be disadvantaged by it - regardless of them not being his kids.

OP, go full time again now. You'll have 6 months history before you've even got your decree nisi let alone absolute!

he accused you of being a gold digger? for his 35k pounds a year? I hope you told him if you were a gold digger you would have set your sights a little higher

Btw, you mention that he'd have 2 more years worth of equity in the house, paid for by you.
Of which he'd only get 50%

At this stage of your mortgage (£100K left, £140K purchase price) most of what you're paying each month is covering interest. So don't over estimate the bargaining power of it.

What are house prices like in your area? Rising or stagnating?

If I agreed to your proposal, I'd have it written into the Consent Order that I wanted a share of any gain, but would want my share protected as a minimum on today's value - and not take the hit if the market fell.

I wouldn't agree at all if I was him. I'd want to move my life on and buy again. I wouldn't want to risk you not being in the position you predict in 12-24 months time, and ending up having to fight to get my equity.

Ok you want to do things morally and not claim his deposit or pension. Fine. But morally he should then give you some money to make up for the fact you stopped contributing to your pension whilst still giving to his. Morally there should also perhaps be some compensation for giving up your job.

I think the answer is somewhere in between half of everything and giving it all up.

I cut work hours because DH asked me to

Talk to a solicitor. Seriously. Don’t screw yourself over to avoid him calling you a gold digger again, he’ll think all sorts of negative things about you either way and you can’t control that. If he put in 20k but also got you to cut your working hours and pension, I would think you’re at least entitled to half what has gone into his pension since you married.

You could arguably be entitled to some of his deposit too, but could negotiate that against being allowed to stay in the house for a while.

Talk to a solicitor! This can’t be about keeping your soon-to-be-ex happy, it needs to be about doing what is generally acceptable as fair so you can keep a roof over your head and your son’s. A mistake now could mess you up for years.

Legally the 20k he put in is considered a marital asset so. You are entitled to split 50/50. A court will also look at the pension and work issue so realistically you would probably end up more like 60/40 in your favour or even higher so you can adequately house your child.

Morally is entirely up to the 2 of you. As you have no pension of your own I would urge you to pursue a % of his if you are not going to consider the initial 20k investment.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in your plan but I would speak to a financial adviser, if you cam prove your earnings are consistent you may get a mortgage, many self employed people get them and their work is also not guaranteed

You're being an absolute idiot and compromising the future not only of yourself but of your children.

Absolutely go after his pension, as this arsehole has helped make sure YOU don't have one.

Oh and 'his' 20k? How guilty does he feel about all the cash you've lost in wages as a result of his bullying you to give up your job? Amounts to a lot more than 20k I reckon. That 20k is no longer his. He owes you.

Why did he insist that you cut your hours and job security and pension contributions?

You say you don't want to confirm his notion that you're a gold digger - please let me assure you that he will paint you into whatever villainous role he likes, whatever you do. If you try to fuck yourself over as you seem intent on doing to 'disprove' it, he will just look at whatever he did have to split with you on divorce, and how he reckons he'd have done if you'd not married, and say that proves it.

He sounds like an utter arsehole. Why should you care what an utter arsehole thinks?

Maybe start nice (your offer).
If he gets arsey, then remind him you can take your legally entitled 50% split.
He'll no doubt see your offer was fair.

If I was paying for 2 years with no contribution from him I would do on an interest only basis so you can also save