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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If it came to divorce - would this be a reasonable request?

85 replies

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 09:46

It's looking possible that DH and I are nearing the end of our marriage. Nobody has mentioned divorce yet but I'm a forward planner and have been thinking about the logistics.

Basically we own the house jointly and in the eyes of the law, own 50/50 each. Morally however I know that DH put around £20k more into it when we first moved in. I'm not a scammer so would not try and take that from him. So in the event of divorce, the house would, I'm assuming be sold and he would get his £20k back and the rest would be split equally. I couldn't get a mortgage on this house as a single person and couldn't afford to buy him out. So either way, I'd have to leave eventually.

However, I work on a casual hours contract so in order to get a mortgage for any house, I'd need to get a full time, permanent position which thankfully won't be a problem in my line of work.

Would it be an unreasonable request to suggest to DH that I stay here for a year to two years - paying the full mortgage and all associated costs/bills and he move out? This would give me the time to get a permanent job, be in said job for required amount of time and also save for a deposit for another house? He would stop all financial contributions from the date he moves out and when it comes to selling, he'd have two years worth of mortgage payments (from me) added to the overall investment? Then we sell, he gets the £20k back and the rest is split (including the two years payments from me).

Also, that way my youngest son will be an adult and no longer reliant on me to house him.

Is it reasonable?

OP posts:

TickyTakky · 27/01/2018 10:01

I think your suggestion sounds reasonable. Although if you've been married ages then I think you could split the 20K. Is your child your DHs child too?

BTW you could rent out your two spare bedrooms and start building up some savings if you split.

Inertia · 27/01/2018 10:01

Ah, cross post with your post about your son. Still, I would take legal advice.

Original poster

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 10:02

No I cut work hours because DH asked me to. Up until 2 years ago I was in a full time permanent job.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 27/01/2018 10:02

You are wrong about the mortgage six months wage slips are fine with a casual contract. Use London and Country broker.
And in a nice way, don't be so stupid re the pension, do you want to be old and poor?

confusedlittleone · 27/01/2018 10:02

The fact you've got the children means you have a better chance at getting a bigger a split as they need to be housed, as well as half his pension

ApacheEchidna · 27/01/2018 10:03

Hang on a minute. Don't underestimate that pension. It is just as much a joint asset and could be worth just as much as the equity in the house. It's quite normal in circumstances like this for one person to get the house in exchange for the other keeping the pension.

Original poster

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 10:03

We're in Yorkshire.

DH earns £35k so could easily get somewhere else for the same as we're paying for this.

OP posts:

TickyTakky · 27/01/2018 10:03

Sorry cross posted.

My son is not DHs son. He's 16 so won't be long before he's independent. We've been together 6 years so not a long marriage.

In this case then I wouldn't be going fir the 20K either. I still think your suggestion seems reasonable.

AnnaMagnani · 27/01/2018 10:04

Stop doing calculations and speak to a lawyer. You seem intent on doing yourself out of money.

Ellisandra · 27/01/2018 10:05

You would be a fool to pay into his pension instead of yours, and then let him have it all on divorce. An utter fool.

LittleOwl153 · 27/01/2018 10:06

Get yourself back to work full time asap. Don't wait until a split occurs.

GabriellaMontez · 27/01/2018 10:06

Reduced pension and hours because of him.

Yet still worrying about him being treated fairly????

I've read your other thread and I think you need to look after yourself and sons first and foremost. Firstly by getting good legal advice.

It was the best money I ever spent.

Plexie · 27/01/2018 10:06

Is your son also your husband's son? Cos if so he will have an obligation to contribute to his living costs. Sometimes the mother stays in the family home with the kids until the youngest reaches adulthood.

Re the £20k. If the house has increased in value, he may want a percentage equal to the percentage the £20k originally represented. So if that was, say, 10% of the purchase price, he might want 10% of the current value for himself, before splitting the remainder equally with you.

I think a lot depends on how long you've been married. The longer the marriage the more likely everything is split 50-50. A very short marriage and people just walk away with what they each brought to the marriage (if no kids involved).

Inertia · 27/01/2018 10:07

Ellisandra is right - you are entitled to a share of the pension - not only is it a marital asset, you have actively contributed to it.

Sparkletastic · 27/01/2018 10:07

Ah you haven't been married long and your children aren't his. Your approach seems more sensible in that context but it depends whether you mutually agree to divorce. If he doesn't want to end the marriage he's less likely to be reasonable about leaving you in the house for 2 years. A clean break may be easier for all concerned although it will mean you have to rent, but presumably you can take something much smaller than a 4 bedroom house.

InaConfusedState · 27/01/2018 10:08

Why are you bending over backwards to make sure he doesn’t view you as ‘taking advantage’?

You will be housing your son. You have given up earning potential by going to casual working. You have given up part of your pension pot to support his pension pot. Why would you not want to be recognised for any of that?

What you are proposing is unfair on you and advantageous for him. You need legal advice, do not agree to OR PROPOSE anything before you get legal advice.

You also can’t decide on any of this without knowing your true respective financial positions. This is why there is financial disclosure in the divorce process. His pension pot could be larger than the equity in your home.

Original poster

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 10:09

The main thing I want is space, I want him to leave and for me to live here alone for two years. If he'll give me that, I'll give up the money I could claim as long as I can get enough for another house. By my calculations I'd get around £10k from the split. Where we live that's a decent amount for a deposit on a house worth £120k

OP posts:

InaConfusedState · 27/01/2018 10:09

Ah - should have read update about the short marriage and that your son is not his. That changes my view, but I still think you need legal advice.

StickThatInYourPipe · 27/01/2018 10:10

She only paid into his pension for a max of 6 years, I really don’t understand why that would make her entitled to half his full following a divorce?

Original poster

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 10:11

He will agree to a divorce, I'm sure of it.

OP posts:

princesssparkle1 · 27/01/2018 10:11

@MonaLiPeach

Please speak to a solicitor. You seem intent on being morally pure. But you need to put your son first. Not your morals.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/01/2018 10:12

I really think you should go to a solicitor and discuss finances with them.
It's one thing to say now that you wouldn't go after half his pension, but you don't have one thanks to him - so you really should.
And yes, fine for you to say he can have his £20k back, no issue - but do you think he's going to be just as fair to you?

For heaven's sake get legal advice before you carry on, and stop being a martyr too noble - you need to look after yourself as well, and your DC!

InaConfusedState · 27/01/2018 10:13

Stick I agree - hadn’t read the update about 6 year marriage.

I think she should get a bit more for those 6 years to put her back to where she would have been, though.

Original poster

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 10:13

I would never try and claim half of the pension. If he starts getting awkward I could maybe claim for the contributions made since we've been together. On paper the house is jointly owned, no mention of the £20k so theoretically, I could threaten to put a claim on that too but I don't want to. I just want space and time to sort myself out without him here.

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 27/01/2018 10:16

So my observation is : where are you expecting him to live for those 2 years?
If you were only married for 6 years you're expecting the equivalent of another third of your marriage where he can't get on with his life and buy a new house.

Mortgage companies lend to all sorts of different employment set ups these day as the Labour market has significantly changed- it's finding the right one.

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