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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DS before DH?

61 replies

MonaLPeach · 27/01/2018 00:13

I have a 16 year old son who has gone off the rails, been taking drugs, hanging out with the wrong people and stealing. Earlier this week I called the police on him as he attacked his elder brother (who is a huge discreet wind up merchant). He was arrested and spent the night in cells. He went to stay with his grandma when he was released (dads side) however, she can only have him until Tuesday.

DS has been threatening suicide and after a cahms assessment they consider him to be suffering from depression.

In the few days he's been away he's sorted himself a bank account and has decided to apply to the army. I have to be positive as I have nothing else.

DH (not his dad) has rubbished everything positive that DS has done since been arrested and thinks "the depression thing" is a load of shit.

He's more or less saying that if I let him back here, he'll leave me.

WIBU totally him to crack on and leave if that's what he wants? I simply cannot turn my back on my son, he's only 16. He needs me. AIBU to choose DS over DH?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 27/01/2018 00:15

I would do the same. I can understand your DH’s frustration but your child is still a child and one who may be turning a corner.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2018 00:18

Your children come first.

youngnomore · 27/01/2018 00:19

Tell him to get lost then. Your son needs you now more then ever. It sounds like he’s trying to do something to turn things around.

Gemini69 · 27/01/2018 00:21

The Army will check his Medical Records and his Mental Health will be questioned.. before acceptance. is your DS aware of this Flowers

just incase this knocks him back somewhat ....

Lalliella · 27/01/2018 00:34

Your DH is being pathetic and childish. How dare he force a choice upon you like that? Your DS must come first, he’s a child and he needs you. If DH can’t handle that he needs to shape up or ship out.

Whiterabbitears · 27/01/2018 00:40

Yep the DH can sod off, he shouldn't put you in that difficult situation. He married you knowing you had a child so he needs to accept the responsibilities that came with that. Your child comes first, imagine if you didn't support him now how bad you would feel if he got in even worse trouble in the future?

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2018 00:42

DS has to come first.

needmorespace · 27/01/2018 00:42

Son first - unquestionably

Mailawaymailawaymailaway · 27/01/2018 01:01

He may just be mouthing off in frustration - you're clearly going through a difficult time and I assume he loves you and finds it upsetting to see you hurting.

If he actually means it and would actually tell you to put him above your DS - well, does that sound like a good man? The sort of man who would support you no matter what? Because the sort of man who isn't a good man isn't likely to stick around in the long term anyway and picking him would result in you being on your own - no DH and no DS.

Your DH has the right to give you some perspective and offer opinions and support, but he does not have the right to come first.

Pixiedust1973 · 27/01/2018 01:04

Bye then to DH!

Graphista · 27/01/2018 01:06

I agree you have to support your son - that's not the same as accepting unacceptable behaviour.

Vague notions of joining the army aren't addressing the real issues. How bad is the drug problem REALLY? does he need to get into rehab/treatment? You ALSO have to put your other children as a priority. They need a safe home (regardless of how much a "wind up" merchant they may be).

Also my dad did army recruitment back in the day HIGHLY unlikely your son would get in.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 27/01/2018 01:30

Obviously your son comes first but it sounds as if your DH is trying to get you to make changes. What about your older son? You also have a duty to consider him.

Do you make excuses for him and avoid the difficult stuff? I'm assuming this has gone on for a long time before getting to this stage.

redwinewhine · 27/01/2018 01:30

This is why you should never marry somebody with children.

bluelion23 · 27/01/2018 01:49

you seem to be victim blaming your son who got attacked even if he is a wind up mercent he dosnt deserve to be attacked. smh

BigBaboonBum · 27/01/2018 01:54

I’d be helping him pack to get it over with

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 27/01/2018 01:55

I hope everything works out OP. I just wanted to add that a diagnosis of depression with suicidal thoughts and camhs input is very likely to mean your son wouldn’t make it thorough the medical assessment for the armed forces Flowers

RadioGaGoo · 27/01/2018 03:31

It's weird to say your younger DC attacked your eldest but mention the eldest is a 'wind up merchant'. It sounds like an excuse.

LolitaLempicka · 27/01/2018 03:40

When my son was 16, he was horrendous. Now at 20 he is delightful. Presumably your DH is a grown man though, so there is no hope of him improving. Get rid of the cunt.

LolitaLempicka · 27/01/2018 03:41

Sorry to be flippant OP, hang in there, your son will get better. (Still don’t care for your DH though)

Sleephead1 · 27/01/2018 06:23

Support your son and help him turn it around he needs you but just in case he is putting all his hopes into the army if he's diagnosed with depression and suicidal thoughts I don't think he would get in. what about trying to show him some other options such as training on the job thing or college ?

Undercoverbanana · 27/01/2018 07:03

Let's hope your DH never has problems of his own and needs support.

Your DS comes first.

Chugalug · 27/01/2018 07:05

Your son is a child ,he needs his mum to believe in him,to belive he is good inside and worthy of love.your dh is a grown man..capable of looking after himself..you know what to do ,you didn't need need to ask💐🌻🥀🌹🌷🌸plus everything sleepyhead said x

HandMsMonkey · 27/01/2018 07:06

LTB

SharonMott · 27/01/2018 07:33

I would look at this from a slightly different angle and be pissed off that my DH wasn't being supportive of my DS. He's sixteen and has gone off the rails. He's not 23 and gone off the rails! I would be expecting my DH to bolster every tiny bit of positivity that young lad showed. Someone needs to encourage DS and by his saying he fancied the army, it shows he has given it some thought. I agree with PP who said that at 20 he will be a much nicer person. He needs encouragement to stay 'tidy' and maybe apply after a period of sensible behaviour and mental stability.

Do you think your DH's unpleasant attitude has added to DS's problems OP?

Believeitornot · 27/01/2018 07:36

Is your DH the reason your DS has ended up like this.

Just wondering