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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put DS before DH?

61 replies

MonaLPeach · 27/01/2018 00:13

I have a 16 year old son who has gone off the rails, been taking drugs, hanging out with the wrong people and stealing. Earlier this week I called the police on him as he attacked his elder brother (who is a huge discreet wind up merchant). He was arrested and spent the night in cells. He went to stay with his grandma when he was released (dads side) however, she can only have him until Tuesday.

DS has been threatening suicide and after a cahms assessment they consider him to be suffering from depression.

In the few days he's been away he's sorted himself a bank account and has decided to apply to the army. I have to be positive as I have nothing else.

DH (not his dad) has rubbished everything positive that DS has done since been arrested and thinks "the depression thing" is a load of shit.

He's more or less saying that if I let him back here, he'll leave me.

WIBU totally him to crack on and leave if that's what he wants? I simply cannot turn my back on my son, he's only 16. He needs me. AIBU to choose DS over DH?

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 27/01/2018 09:30

the university brother, he is away from home?

flumpybear · 27/01/2018 09:32

Your child needs and wants help and your husband wants you to walk away .... he'd be out by now, children need their mum ffs!

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 09:35

DS1 still lives here but he'll be moving out in August

Nofilter · 27/01/2018 09:46

This is a really common scenario in young adults, in my experience especially male in this country. My brother went through this from 13-18 and a real turning point for us was him drifting a suicide note and we luckily found it before anything happened - he kind of reached out..

Bit by bit we pulled him through. Really positive building up of confidence and patience bag loads of it. It was like he’d got so so lost deep somewhere even the smallest task was massive.. I think he found it hard or weird to talk about feelings...

He really needs you right now. It’s not even a question of your OH, that’s insignificant in this situation.

However your relationship on the other side of this with your son could be an amazing one, ours is with my bro now as a result....

Good luck... tell him something you love or are proud of about him today xx

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2018 09:48

You might not like this, but your son's home life won't change, and if his brother is winding him up, then maybe you need to look at that as well. losing the support of your DH, and the bringing him home to a son who will still wind him up may mean your home life is even more chaotic, and you will have no other adult to support you.

You might find getting to get your son in some sort of out reach, or staying with his GP if they will do this, would be better for him.
He needs the change in atmosphere, to be able to heal. and right now that isn't at home. You can still support him, and will do so far more this way, as he will be 100% your focus when your with him, rather than in his room and sort of sorted when your not dealing with life in the household.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/01/2018 09:54

I think your older son is quite old enough to learn some empathy and understand that is brother is ill.

Not victim-blaming, there's no excuse for violence as a response (says person who agreed army was a good option...) but, taunting someone who is suffering from depression is horrible bullying and your older DS is an adult. He needs to start acting like one. If he takes this juvenile, bullying attitude into the workplace, there won't be a glittering career for him.

I'm sure he's had a horrible time with younger DS's shenanigans. They both need sympathy and listening to but, your older Ds's claims about his brilliance and his behaviour, as described, do not match.

Graphista · 27/01/2018 10:18

Actually I suspect the older son is feeling neglected, ignored and dismissed.

I also suspect this has been going on for some years.

Sorry op but I feel you've always prioritised your younger son.

Branleuse · 27/01/2018 10:22

I would always put my child before my partner, no matter how much i loved my partner. You have to.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 10:25

I would always put my child before my partner, no matter how much i loved my partner. You have to.

And what about the other child? He gets 2nd place.

Beefsquatch · 27/01/2018 10:41

Please get him help for his depression as soon as you can. I'm not condoning or excusing violence, but depression often manifests as a lot of anger and self-disgust. In my teens/twenties I was all about self-sabotage and pushing other people away. Learning how to cope with those feelings might go a long way toward helping him (including having better relationships with your DH and other DS).

Chesntoots · 27/01/2018 11:10

Are you the same poster who has been having issues with him coming in at all hours etc? I'm sure you have posted before.

I can see you are very stressed by this situation but your OP is written as such that it paints your OH in an very poor light for people who haven't read your other posts. If ( and I am sorry if I have the wrong person) I was you OH I would have left ages ago. You keep posting and not taking on board the advice and you will not get helpful advice if you start each post only giving half a story...

Apologies again if you are not the poster I am thinking of...

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