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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DS before DH?

61 replies

MonaLPeach · 27/01/2018 00:13

I have a 16 year old son who has gone off the rails, been taking drugs, hanging out with the wrong people and stealing. Earlier this week I called the police on him as he attacked his elder brother (who is a huge discreet wind up merchant). He was arrested and spent the night in cells. He went to stay with his grandma when he was released (dads side) however, she can only have him until Tuesday.

DS has been threatening suicide and after a cahms assessment they consider him to be suffering from depression.

In the few days he's been away he's sorted himself a bank account and has decided to apply to the army. I have to be positive as I have nothing else.

DH (not his dad) has rubbished everything positive that DS has done since been arrested and thinks "the depression thing" is a load of shit.

He's more or less saying that if I let him back here, he'll leave me.

WIBU totally him to crack on and leave if that's what he wants? I simply cannot turn my back on my son, he's only 16. He needs me. AIBU to choose DS over DH?

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 07:36

From bitter experience, when you have one in your family who is such a negative drain on everyone else, there are times when you think rehoming them would be wonderful, But you cant. You're stuck with them, through thick and thin. Despite the fact they knowingly and willing destroy other relationships.

The sheer time you spend with a child off the rails means you are sucking time away from the other children in the family. The negative impact is horrendous. Been there, done that, got the tshirt. Bottom line is - do you think any of your other children are going to look back at their childhood and think "oh what jolly japes we had" or will they remember the endless misery, rows, theft, assault, time inadvertently taken away from them as you deal with yet another incident?

HolyMountain · 27/01/2018 07:38

I think you are absolutely right in putting your boy first.

Your Dh is a twat, let him leave.

bluelion23 · 27/01/2018 07:43

Is your DH the reason your DS has ended up like this.

Just wondering
'ultimaterly the 16 year old is responsible however the mum minimising his behaviour by blaming her other son for the attack because he was a wind up mercent and saying he did positive things by saying hill aply for the army which he will fail and getting a bank account (big deal) and maybe because hes attacked someone in the house hes worried that he might get attacked or hes worried your other son might get attacked again' i mean i certainly wouldnt want to live under the same roof as someone that is known to be violent to his brother

bluelion23 · 27/01/2018 07:47

'I think you are absolutely right in putting your boy first.

Your Dh is a twat, let him leave'
yeah only i cant see how shes putting her boy first by implying he was partly to blame for being attacked but thats just me

InDubiousBattle · 27/01/2018 07:48

Obviously I would put my dc above dh. However I think in you position my priority would be the safety of my son who was assaulted in his own home. Do you have any other dc? Can y8u keep them safe from their brother?

bastardkitty · 27/01/2018 07:50

I wouldn't wait for him to leave me. He needs to go. Your H. Obviously.

Believeitornot · 27/01/2018 07:52

@bluelion23 the 16 year old didn’t turn this way overnight. We are all partly a product of our upbringing.

bluelion23 · 27/01/2018 07:56

@bluelion23 the 16 year old didn’t turn this way overnight. We are all partly a product of our upbringing.

yes by your own logic the op must be partly to blame then

Believeitornot · 27/01/2018 08:00

Quite possibly. I don’t know the full story.

But anyone who thinks that a child has gone off the rails for no reason has probably missed something or is in denial.

The attitude of the DH just made me wonder.

highinthesky · 27/01/2018 08:05

DH may have reached the end of his patience with your DS, but that’s his own personal shit, he’s a grown man so let him deal with it.

Do what’s right for your son, and continue to be a supportive mum. Whilst you’re at it, you may wish to impress upon your other DS that this is off-linits as a source of entertainment. He needs his family to be on his side, and consistently so.

Dipitydoda · 27/01/2018 08:05

I’m all for trying to make a relationship work but I’d be asking DH to leave a forwarding address so my solicitor can be in contact! Well done to your DS for trying to sort himself out sounds like he’s had a shock

pilates · 27/01/2018 08:08

I’m sure there is a backstory here but it sounds like your son is perhaps trying to turn a corner and he needs all the help and encouragement he can get. Is he showing any remorse for what he did to his brother?

AreYouOrHaveYouEverBeenATERF · 27/01/2018 08:19

I would always put my DS before my DH.

PoorYorick · 27/01/2018 08:32

Don't let the door got your husband's arse on the way out. Actually, do.

2ndTimeMother · 27/01/2018 08:41

Son all the way! Your DH needs to understand that kids come first!

On another note I'm military & I was going through a rough patch when I decided to sign up.

10years later 2 kids & a DH & I'm still in! It can & does help if your son is willing to change, it will teach him discipline & build his confidence & self respect. It's a different way of life but a good one.

I hope he's successful Thanks

lottiegarbanzo · 27/01/2018 08:58

Doesn't the depression need to be addressed before he considers joining the army? For all sorts of reasons - chances of getting in, chances of making the most of it, not dropping out and feeling worse about himself, chances of bullying while he's vulnerable and, access to weapons (sorry but, not a good combination).

But if it's what he wants to do - and may well take him away from old associations and make him so busy he doesn't have time to dwell on anything - can you support him in that direction? Encourage him to start applying but to do a course and lots of fitness training first? (I'm not an expert but, from personal and friends' experience, I do think that for mild depression, distraction, positive busyness, company and exercise are great techniques).

Your H? Can he think of better ways of supporting your son?

Daddystepdaddy · 27/01/2018 09:03

People very ready to condemn and blame the DH based on very little information. Beimg a step-parent of difficult teens is very hard (I speak from experience). I suspect these issues have been building for some time and we don't really have the context to judge this issue properly. The people advocating that the OP ditch her DH need to stop and think if this advice is really a positive way to deal with the situation where a young man appears to be in crisis.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 09:14

No one is ever willing to address the fact that some children thrive on this behaviour and the negative impact it has on their siblings. Every ounce of focus - to the detriment of every other person in the family including other children - is always on the one with the poor behaviour.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/01/2018 09:15

That''s another reason the army might be a good idea, isn't it? Gives the other son some space and attention.

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 09:19

Sorry guys, I posted this last night after a few glasses of wine and have forgotten my password so I am the OP but under a new account.

Yes the situation has been brewing for a while and I'll be the first to admit that DS is a nightmare. Christ last week I was on the phone to social services begging them to take him. They won't. So I have no choice but to have him back here. After his arrest he was on the phone to me screaming and sobbing begging me to let him back. That conversation caused me physical pain. Having to say "no" to your own son who is sobbing uncontrollably and pleading for something you can't or won't give them. That conversation will stick with me forever.

I understand it's been difficult for DH and I totally understand him wanting to leave. Half the time I can't understand why he's still here anyway but the marriage is not really a happy one. We never go out, we don't talk, we don't have sex unless I push for it, he's constantly tired and negative.

So yes, while I understand his frustration, I still have no choice but to have my boy back. If I didn't and something happened to him, I would honestly do myself in. I couldn't live with that. DH is an adult and he'll be fine if I give up on him, my DS won't be.

Also I wasn't blaming eldest for the attack but for months he's been winding DS2 up pulling him down and making him feel inferior. He's doing very well himself, he is at university, has lots of good friends, travels around a lot and has constant updates and pictures on social media about how much he's loving life which is great - but he uses it against DS2 and constantly takes the piss out of him saying stuff like "just think, when I'm a professional living in London you'll be flipping burgers here living in your shitty bedsit, what a shame! Don't worry I might lend you a tenner for your fix now and again".

Of course there is no excuse for violence and that's why I called the police and had him arrested but to continuously poke a volatile and struggling person isn't exactly helping.

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 09:22

Also DS1 loves all this drama, he was very excited when the police came and took great delight in telling them all about his own achievements and basically how perfect he is, nothing at all like his drop out little brother.

Even DH had to tell him to stop enjoying it all.

debbs77 · 27/01/2018 09:23

Your DH could potentially be a huge help to your son if he is prepared to support him along with you? Your son needs support and is crying out for help

Graphista · 27/01/2018 09:26

You need to stop blaming the son that's doing well FOR doing well, I highly doubt living with all the shit that's been going on has been easy for him either.

You seem to be all sympathy for the son with drug issues and being violent and none for anyone else. That helps nobody. The son who had to be ARRESTED needs for there to be consequences set by YOU not just others.

I strongly get the feeling you make repeated excuses for him. That won't help him in the long run.

The root cause needs to be addressed but at 16 he is at least partially accountable for his behaviour.

MonaLiPeach · 27/01/2018 09:27

The consequences were set by me, I was the one that had him arrested.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/01/2018 09:27

Even getting into physical exersise to train for army entrance test may help your boy as it builds discipline. So even if he doesn't get it its worth persuing. I do have sympathy for your dh as living with a violent wayward teen is extremely difficult and sometimes the choice has to be to get them to leave.
If a stepmum was here saying her dhs son was violent and off the rails she might get more sympathy. Could you contact a drug place for teens and seek their advice as they are amazingly good on this and usually more clear thinking that us.
If your dh does decide to leave l would recommend a peaceful parting as genuinely he is in a difficult situation . Maybe him calling this will force everyone to sit up and do something for this kid. He cannot be allowed to wreck everyones life.