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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on getting my dd to tidy her bedroom

89 replies

LardLizard · 26/01/2018 22:18

Sick of it

Feel like saying if you want to live in a given of a bedroom do it
Just make sure you shut the door

I’ve tried everything with her
I’ve gone through with her
Done big clear outs and she doesn’t keep on top of it
She doesn’t seem to really be bothered about living in a mess
I don’t want this to be a massive issue between us they way it was with my mum
Who used to go full on mental at me as a child hitting me etc for a messy room
We have stripped as much stuff n toys etc out of there as possible

I’m at a loss as to what to do with it

She is 10

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/02/2018 13:36

Dusty and messy I can tolerate. Smelly I will not, food or crockery lying around I will not. If I'm washing and ironing clothes they have to be put away.

These are the rules. I did once fill a bin bag with discarded stuff and throw it in the garden but I only had to do it once. Likewise, I don't wash it unless its in the laundry bag on the back of the door. They both ran out of uniform once and got the message.

Mine are 12 and 10. We tend to do a deep clean together every 6 weeks and in between times they manage it themselves (I do help w beds) as long as they stick to the rules above.

ChevalierTialys · 03/02/2018 12:26

@goose1964 are you my mum? Grin

fedupandnogin · 03/02/2018 13:11

I have been of the 'it's their mess, just shut the door and let them live in it' mindset for quite a while. However, I've had enough now and noticed the house smelling because his room is so messy and is therefore never cleaned (DS is 16). So today he's with his dad and I'm spending all day blitzing it. (I also want to put my house on the market so really can't do this with his room like it is). I told him I was going to and he begged me not to. (Threatened to go and live with his dad). He said he would do it after his GCSEs but I know it will never happen as he's promised before. Just having a break now as I've just finished clearing up the clothes, etc from the floor (have no idea what's clean and what's dirty). Now to vacuum and dust....

DakotaWest · 03/02/2018 13:18

Messy is fine by me as long as:
I never hear a crying "I can't find my xxx"
The mess doesn't start invading outside their bedroom
It's clean. Mouldy anything would not be tolerated. It's MY house, my rules.

My kids have a couple of warnings, then I threaten to get the cleaner to deep clean their room and take her fees from their pocket money/ Christmas money. They know I mean it, so their rooms are in a reasonable state. It's easier when they get older, because given a choice with an acceptable bedroom or me putting my nose in their private belongings, they much prefer their privacy!

beautygal29 · 03/02/2018 15:15

I heard of a great idea on how to deal with this. Whilst they are at school put all the mess into black bin bags when they want stuff they can buy it back with their allowance. It will however be complete pot luck as to what they get back. It could be clothes make up or rubbish!

zeeboo · 03/02/2018 17:15

It's her room. As long as there is no food waste allowed in there and expensive/sentimental things aren't being walked on and broken, leave her be. It's another reason I look back on my childhood and feel unloved, misunderstood and that my existence annoyed my Mother.

Ramirez · 03/02/2018 17:33

LardLizard it sounds like you were the same at that age, so my question is did you grow out of it? Or what made you change? And knowing you were the same at that age, does that give you more empathy to your daughter and understanding to your Mum's frustration? (Doesn't excuse hitting you though.)

I'm not judging, just curious as a) I was and still am a messy person and b) my 8 yr old DS is really pushing my buttons but I can see me in him and now have more understanding as to why my Mum was so frustrated.

Oato · 03/02/2018 17:52

I tried all things with mine.

Out with my friends one night we were discussing similar woes and one of the mums (with three older boys - adults) said that she just cleaned and tidied for them when they were kids/teenagers. We were a bit aghast but...her three have grown up to be really lovely young men - hard working, close relationship still with mum. I stopped sweating it after that.

I now go into my teenagers room most days and collect/clean/tidy - takes seconds - minutes. They started doing it themselves for a few months (they just did it - I was shocked - vacuuming, dusting, putting everything away) - back to mainly me doing it now but it never gets in the kind of state it used to. The deal is they do or I will do it - but they are not having a messy/dirty bedroom.

zizza · 03/02/2018 18:49

I've got a really clean and tidy son and an extremely messy daughter (and another son who's somewhere in between!). All grown up now and always been the same. Hopefully dd will eventually get better but at 23 I'm not holding out much hope. Maybe once she has a place of her own rather than just a room with us or uni....

Snugglepiggy · 03/02/2018 19:25

The final straw with teenage DD was when I went in her attic bedroom for the first time in days,(had got so fed up with nagging her I more or less left her to get on with it)and found period stained knickers in the bed,crisp and chocolate wrappers shoved in drawers when she had a bin and a bowl under her bed growing mould from days old food.She'd only become so untidy around age of 15,and neither of her siblings were like this.DH and are not untidy.I saw red.Piled everything,and I mean everything, in her room into loads of bin bags and left them on the landing.When she came home she was stunned,and I told her as I couldn't tell what was clean or dirty ,and what she needed for college she had 48 hours to sort it or the whole lot was going to the tip.She knew I was serious.From that day on she bucked her ideas up, and whilst not the tidiest never descended into that kind of squalor again.

Original poster
LardLizard · 03/02/2018 21:05

Ramirez
I don’t think I properly grew out of it until I got my own home then I wanted it nice !

OP posts:
LieInsAreExtinct · 04/02/2018 21:19

It's hard to say no food or drink upstairs when I work full-time and my two (almost 18 and 13) get in before me and take snacks up...or dd gets in after I go to bed...or has a late start at college and leaves after me...ok. DD is just starting to improve now she has a boyfriend. It's not helping much though, as she nags and screams at her brother (who has always generally kept his room tidy but leaves other rooms messy). He is just starting to get worse as he now cooks for himself sometimes and trashes the kitchen, just the way did has just about stopped doing! Another 5 years then, I suppose...

LieInsAreExtinct · 04/02/2018 21:20

dd not did

Original poster
LardLizard · 11/02/2018 08:59

Thanks for all the advice and commments, thought about it and I’m going to help her do one massive tidy up at the end of half term

OP posts:
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