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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on getting my dd to tidy her bedroom

89 replies

LardLizard · 26/01/2018 22:18

Sick of it

Feel like saying if you want to live in a given of a bedroom do it
Just make sure you shut the door

I’ve tried everything with her
I’ve gone through with her
Done big clear outs and she doesn’t keep on top of it
She doesn’t seem to really be bothered about living in a mess
I don’t want this to be a massive issue between us they way it was with my mum
Who used to go full on mental at me as a child hitting me etc for a messy room
We have stripped as much stuff n toys etc out of there as possible

I’m at a loss as to what to do with it

She is 10

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 07:59

Trinity - as a parent of both, you're talking nonsense. That's your experience not mine. And urinals are gross .

EggbertNobacon · 27/01/2018 08:05

We weren't ever allowed food or drink in our bedrooms, apart from a glass of overnight water. I didn't understand the cultural references to filthy rotten plates and cups in bedrooms as it would never have occurred to me to do so.

The first time I had breakfast in bed was after giving birth to DD1.

Could you implement a rule like that to take the edge off the mess?

Veterinari · 27/01/2018 08:06

I was a messy child and i’m a messy adult - I don’t expect it will change. It’s not laziness as one pp suggests - it’s just that my brain seems to work well in chaos and I don’t really notice it until it gets to a certain threshold.

However I would not tolerate filth! There’s no excuse for filthy crockery or dirty clothes - that is a problem and they really ought to be doing their own laundry and washing up

user1471548941 · 27/01/2018 08:07

This was me up until about 22! I needed teaching about actually how to tidy i.e. everything has a place and then put it back there when you’re finished.

I was never taught, what solved the problem was moving into my own home, aged 25, designing my own Pax wardrobes and suddenly being so delighted that everything had a “home” that I used the system!

Maybe sit down with her and draw out a diagram of her room and all the furniture and ask her to label where all her stuff should live?

And yes to the poster above that said “more storage than you need”. I always have a couple of empty draws so that I can throw stuff in that I don’t want to chuck but doesn’t have a home yet.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 27/01/2018 08:11

I was like this as a child. Would get bad enough that i would go mad and blitz it. i did eventually grow out of it although i now live in my own house that is quite minimalist to tackle my 'creative' tendencies.

3awesomestars · 27/01/2018 08:14

After years of being in the same situation I really don’t think there is an answer! My DD is 19 now at uni and she is actually quite tidy in her shared house ( she tells me!). I don’t have the same problem with my middle child 13, he just seems to be reasonably tidy, however my DS 11 is just like his big sister, his room is disgusting!
I’ve set some very basic rules (school uniform goes in the wash at a minimum and no cups/plates etc) but I’m not tidying it and the door stays closed!! I can’t go through it again!!
I think you are either naturally tidy or your not and I amount of shouting,nagging etc etc changes things - from my sample of 3!!!

Parky04 · 27/01/2018 08:20

I have never allowed food or drink to be taken upstairs. Rooms are messy with clothes on the floor but not fussed about that. If clothes not in was basket they don't get washed!

walkingdowntheboulevard · 27/01/2018 08:20

I would allocate an hour a week when she has to dust, hoover, change her bed, say first thing Saturday morning. Insist it has to be done and tidied and then agree once it's done for the rest of the week she can leave it as messy as she wants as long as the door is closed and then following Saturday morning repeat.

At 10 she's old enough to understand compromise and you are also teaching her tolerance.

Good luck, let us know how you get on

metalmum15 · 27/01/2018 08:23

My teenage dd is the same. It's just sheer laziness really, there are 50 other things she'd rather be doing than tidying her room. I do think you have to pick your battles though. So in our house, no food or drink allowed upstairs except water bottles (this is mainly because we have new beige carpets too ), every couple of days I stand over her until she puts her laundry in the basket, and if I need to hoover I move everything off the floor and put it onto her shelves or in storage boxes. If she spends an extra 10 minutes looking for her maths book in the morning then so be it. The rest is up to her, I try not to nag after that.

It's definitely personality types though, my other dd is constantly cleaning and tidying her room.

BillywilliamV · 27/01/2018 08:25

Boulevard, is this theoretical or have you actually managed to get a teenager to do this?

mikeyssister · 27/01/2018 08:27

DD13 was woken this morning at 7.30 to tidy her clothes (her choice), because she was told yesterday she wasn't allowed go to activities until they were put away properly.

The room is a mess, which I can just about live with, but there is a total lack of respect for me if the clean clothes aren't put away properly.

Notso · 27/01/2018 08:44

DD was dreadful at 10 but now at 17 does a big room clean once a week. It does get messy in between but that's up to her. I occasionally have to ask her to free some towels but that's about it.

DS1 at 13 is pretty bad, he hoards mugs and wrappers. Although if I ask him to bring stuff down he will. There is an issue with clothes too, the piles of clean washing move from chair to bed and back to chair and if he's feeling tidy they get shoved in the wardrobe. However he does always hang his school uniform up so I leave him to it.

mikeyssister · 27/01/2018 11:53

DD is now tidying her clothes for nearly 4 hours. She doesn't have that many bloody clothes!!!!!!!

melj1213 · 27/01/2018 12:58

DD is now tidying her clothes for nearly 4 hours.

That sounds like a child who has no idea what "tidying" means so she doesn't know when she is actually finished!

I used to be like that as a kid, I was a bit of a hoarder and my mum was a minimalist so she never really taught me how to effectively tidy as her answer was to just throw everything away, so whenever I tidied my room I would move things from place to place trying to find a system that worked for me whilst trying to follow the "conventional rules" of where/how items should be stored and I would never feel like the job was done.

That's why with DD, when we moved here, I made sure all of her bedroom furniture was functional and we went through her room and gave everything a specific home - I generally let her decide where that home was and just threw in some practical suggestions. That way when she has to tidy her room she knows exactly where everything should be and when it is in it's place she knows she is finished and doesn't need to move any more stuff around the room for the sake of "tidying".

deadringer · 27/01/2018 13:20

Agree with pp, I have 3 dds at home and my attitude is it's thier room and they can have it any way they want but there are 3 rules,

No plates or cups in room.
Dirty washing must be put in laundry basket.
They have to tidy up if they want friends over.

Aside from above rules they can live in a tip if they want, I just keep the door closed.

specialsubject · 27/01/2018 13:26

Is it mess or skank? Stuff everywhere is different from house wrecking such as rotting food, no ventilation, damp.

If the latter, a few nights sleeping in the garden should show her why houses are good and why you look after them

Graphista · 27/01/2018 13:45

Dd at almost 17 is much better now but I remember the pain!

Dd had pocket money from age 7 though (not a lot but meaningful for her) if room wasn't tidy by midday sat - no pocket money.

If your dd doesn't get pocket money, set a deadline and remove another privilege.

I did also insist on plates/cups being put in kitchen each evening though.

Even the most supposedly angelic children can be like this it's very common.

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 13:50

Her room. None of your business. Shut the door.

Eolian · 27/01/2018 13:57

The only thing that worked with my messy dd is that I agreed to help her do a one-off total blitz if she then agreed to do a 5 minute 'maintenance' tidy every evening to keep it that way. It's not foolproof - she backslides eventually if I forget to remind her - but it works for a good long while, because 5 minutes is easy and not onerous. I'm thinking of setting a daily 5 minute tidy alarm to remind us!

Eolian · 27/01/2018 13:59

How is it none of the parents' business? We pay for the house and everything in it. We decorated her room. I can't clean it if there's stuff everywhere. And I don't know any 10 or 12 year-olds that clean their rooms, even if they keep them tidy.

ladybee28 · 27/01/2018 14:13

I used to be a super-messy kid and teen, and looking back I'm not surprised - unless there's some kind of structure in place (alarms, routines, accountability with other people), there's a lot in my life that gets messy!

I'm an Obliger in Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies (gretchenrubin.com/take-the-quiz), so I usually only get things done if there's someone else involved / relying on me.

Whether it's time or space or habits, I think it's really tough for kids to think in terms of keeping stuff clean without a solid structure in place.

Eolian – definitely! An alarm's great, or maybe doing it at a time that's attached to another daily routine... I've implemented a 10-minute daily blitz at home with DP (that DSS participates in when he's here). Music goes on loud and we each get 2 rooms to clean / tidy as much as we can for 10 minutes right before we start getting ready for bed (so for DSS it's a habit that's tied to tooth-brushing time).

It gets a bit sweaty and competitive and it's fun with everyone running around wielding brooms and dusters and yelling GO GO GO! A few times I've noticed DSS keeps going over the 10 minutes because 'I've got this far, might as well just finish it now'.

He's still a bit disorganised and his room is very rarely sparkling, but it's definitely made a difference...

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 14:23

“How is it none of the parents' business? We pay for the house and everything in it.”

She’s not a tenant. It’s her home. Up to her how she wants it.

EstaVino · 27/01/2018 14:27

Get into the routine of getting ready for the day that the bed is made: Have you done your teeth? homework in your bag? Bed made? Then they can watch tv/play ipad before school.

Bed made includes bed time water brought down stairs, Pjs in the wash and obviously bed made.

If they want friends over their bedrooms have to be done. Pocket money is distributed we've all done our chores i.e on Friday night if we're busy all weekend, or Saturday morning if we don't have plans until Saturday afternoon..

Then again, they don't have much in their bedrooms as it's all in the playroom which is a constant shit tip but I just close the door on that one.

DancingHipposOnAcid · 27/01/2018 14:53

DD was the same until 18 when she got a steady boyfriend. Suddenly found the ability to tidy up

Eolian · 27/01/2018 14:57

It’s her home. Up to her how she wants it.

Up to a point maybe. It's also part of my job as a parent to teach her not to live in a pigsty and to respect her surroundings. I'm very far from a clean freak, I'm not expecting an immaculate room. Her body is her body too, but I'm still going to insist that she has a shower regularly and brushes her teeth and hair. Is that not my business either?

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