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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give up on getting my dd to tidy her bedroom

89 replies

LardLizard · 26/01/2018 22:18

Sick of it

Feel like saying if you want to live in a given of a bedroom do it
Just make sure you shut the door

I’ve tried everything with her
I’ve gone through with her
Done big clear outs and she doesn’t keep on top of it
She doesn’t seem to really be bothered about living in a mess
I don’t want this to be a massive issue between us they way it was with my mum
Who used to go full on mental at me as a child hitting me etc for a messy room
We have stripped as much stuff n toys etc out of there as possible

I’m at a loss as to what to do with it

She is 10

OP posts:
cleanasawhistle · 27/01/2018 15:09

My house my rules...

I am not a strict parent but I like a clean home.
I think the trick is not to let it get too bad.

No food and drink upstairs.
In the morning they make their beds and bring down all washing to the laundry basket.
If they get something out then they put it away.

I go in the rooms every morning and open blinds and windows.
They strip their beds once a week and tidy up and fill a carrier bag with rubbish....I then go in the rooms remake the beds and wash it all down and hoover.

I do all their washing ironing and putting the clothes away....no way would I not put clothes away,couldnt cope with going to the effort of having it sorted for it to end up on the floor.

If I didnt have these rules their rooms would be manky because they really are not bothered.

melj1213 · 27/01/2018 15:15

She’s not a tenant. It’s her home. Up to her how she wants it.

There's a limit to that though - my DD is pretty tidy but if she was messy then I'd leave her to it, to a point, but if her actions in her bedroom negatively impact me - either in time or money - then it needs to stop.

So if I have to pay replace things damaged by her mess/need to spend 30 minutes picking up her stuff so I can hoover (or not hoover and then have to spend time on going to the doctors to treat her asthma caused by all the dust/dirt)/have to deal with pest infestations caused by food left on her floor etc then her actions are impacting me, and since it's my house I get to impose rules to limit that impact.

One of my friends is of the "leave them to it and close the door" mindset, but she's also the one who is always complaining that she never has any cutlery/crockery because her kids have it all hidden under their beds (and then when it does come down it invariably needs a good soak/scrub to remove the mouldy remnants of whatever was originally on the plate), she's forever doing huge loads of laundry because her kids mix clean stuff and dirty clothes in their "floordrobes" so she just ends up rewashing it all and they recently just had to get new wallpaper and replace quite a few fittings and fixtures in one of her teenagers' rooms because his behaviour - including never opening his window or hoovering his room - turned into the perfect breeding ground for silverfish and they had caused significant damage by the time she became aware of the issue. I have zero sympathy for her though because she refuses to impose any kind of rules about food/general standards for her kids rooms so she is contributing to the issue by refusing to take responsibility for anything in her home just because it is in her kids' rooms.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 15:24

I would leave it to her. One day she will clear it up without her mother's help.

hollyisalovelyname · 27/01/2018 15:46

One of mine was like that. She's moved out now and is forever borrowing the Hoover as the house share one is broken Smile

Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 15:53

Friends of ours took the bedroom door off any child's bedroom that was not tidy.

My parents simpy removed the mess and did not return the items if we'd not tidied up after the first request.

TwoBobs · 27/01/2018 15:55

If my 7 and 9 year olds don't tidy their room by Sunday evening then the cleaner will leave it and they need to hoover and clean it themselves. It usually makes them do the job.

TwoBobs · 27/01/2018 15:56

They do still need me to say 'put that in that box, that goes there's etc but I don't do it for them.

TwoBobs · 27/01/2018 15:56

They do still need me to say 'put that in that box, that goes there's etc but I don't do it for them.

Justgivemesomepeace · 27/01/2018 16:00

I used to help mine with hers at 10. I think it got a bit overwhelming and she just would know where to start. As long as she helped I was happy with that. I stopped helping at about 13 and she struggled to keep on top of it. She's now 15 and keeps it nice and tidy and relatively clean. It needs a good bottoming sometimes, pulling furniture out etc but I'm happy on the whole. They just need help sometimes. But maybe I'm soft. Oh and food always has been and still is banned from upstairs.

GinUser · 27/01/2018 16:03
  1. Have you shown her how to tidy?
  2. Does she have anywhere to tidy to?
TheUncommonReader · 27/01/2018 16:10

My room was always revolting. Mouldy cups, several wet towels, clothes all over the floor, books, toys, stationery etc. My mum tried various techniques: Sunday evening clean, incentives, putting the whole floor into bin bags and threatening to chuck it out, ignoring, pleading- but I remained horribly messy until the day I moved out. As soon as I got a house I was really tidy.

For my dds, I try get them to do it little and often and have a no food upstairs rule! We also have regular clear outs and more storage than I had.

lljkk · 27/01/2018 16:15

I gave up long before mine was 10yo.
She's 16 now, & moderately tidy apart from the floordrobe.

Knittedfairies · 27/01/2018 16:17

My daughter used to drive me nuts with her untidiness; nothing worked. One day I just told her that I was never going to go into her room again and to please keep the door closed. Clean washing was left outside the door, and nothing was washed unless it was in the laundry basket. I just regarded her room as a sovereign state nothing to do with me. It was very peaceful after that!

Namechange16 · 27/01/2018 16:28

Mess could be ok as long as it's contained in bedrooms, no dirty plates in bedrooms and put clean clothes away. If the dirty clothes aren't in the basket, they don't get washed.

My dds are only 5 and 2 but these will be my rules (they are for my dh!)

mikeyssister · 28/01/2018 14:29

@melj1213 I didn't just leave her to it. I gave her a list after discussing with her what I wanted and what she wanted.

She spent time "finding" the right music to listen to for tidying, making labels, trying on clothes and coming in and out to me to show me her dance movesConfused

Anyway it's done now. All clothes away properly and the floor is clear. No food, plates, glasses, mugs or cutlery hiding anywhere. The room is still a tip but that's her choice; it doesn't impact on me

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2018 15:37

When mine were young they were never allowed food in their rooms.
As they left the bathroom at night, clothes went into the laundry basket.

Some mess I could put up with but every now and again a blitz was needed. I don't think tidying is intrinsic so I was prepared to help - by sitting there and directing. Storage as needed was provided but sometimes they did need help to organise.

So I'd sit and tell her where I thought it should go (if not obvious) and we would chat at the same time.

walkingdowntheboulevard · 29/01/2018 20:00

How's it going OP? Any update?

Cosyclara · 29/01/2018 20:11

Cold hard cash... a fiver pocket money if she keeps it tidy... nothing at all if its messy.. my dd loved getting her pocket money and saving it up. It really taught her how to budget for things she wants as well as helping to give her the incentive to clean x Now she is 13 though her standards are slipping a bit x

Thingywhatsit · 29/01/2018 21:58

I have a 15 yr old ds and I have given up arguing about the state of his room. The deal now is that it needs to be tidied on a day that suits him at the weekend, so the floor cleared and hoovered,bin emptied and all clean clothes put away. The rest of the week I just don't comment on it as it causes way too many arguments.

If I were in your shoes, I would start setting small goals. So whatever is the most pressing issue tackle first. Be it bring down dirty dishes, or put dirty washing in the laundry basket. Let that be her sole responsibility for a few weeks, until she is used to doing it. Then up the anti and introduce another task alongside and gradually build it up.

You can also use rewards (doesn't have to be money could be a new nail varnish or something similar) - if she completes said task for required amount of time reward her.

Just think SMART - so make sure the goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timed. So telling her you need to keep your room tidy isn't gonna work. But saying you need to bring down any empty dishes/glasses that have gathered in your room everyday by 6pm is.

It will take a bit of work - but it will happen eventually.

Original poster
LardLizard · 01/02/2018 17:12

Walking, still the same she’s currently tidying it at the moment

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 01/02/2018 19:25

Sigh...................and breathe

PotterGrangerWeasley · 02/02/2018 13:14

My cousin was terrible at keeping his room clean and tidy, he came home one day at about 13 to find everything that was lying about gone, as well as his TV, CD player and PlayStation. He had to keep his room reasonably clean and tidy and earned the electronics back. He got the rest of his things (they had been stored in black bags) back as soon as he cleaned.
It worked for a while and his sister definitely kept her room clean and tidy from then on.

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/02/2018 13:22

I can't believe you let children who aren't capable of keeping their rooms tidy, take food and drink up to their rooms

Gross

phoenix1973 · 02/02/2018 13:26

My dd is 11. Ive advised her that when she tidies that room, she can have a mate there. Months ago. It's not tidy. Sometimes you can't see the carpet. No food is allowed upstairs though.
I want to get her a dressing table and redecorate.......not with it being as it is though. I have told her.

EggsonHeads · 02/02/2018 13:31

Teaching children to be cleanly is an important part of patenting. My parents were over indulgent and didn't teach me to be self sufficient. It's been a struggle ever since. I wish that they had been stricter. Is she usually able/allowed to listen to music? Maybe let her listen to her choice of music while she cleans? Or you could try a tough love approach. Choose a day when you will go through and dust/vaccum. Everything that is in the floor/surface when you need to clean goes in the bin and she needs to pay for it out of allowance/birthday money. Or if she doesn't clean you will hire a cleaner to do it and again she pays it out of her pocket money?

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