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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my birthday

68 replies

Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:04

It was my birthday Tuesday

DH had bought me a handbag , that I browsed for online in the sales. He did give this to me on the day.

He didn't get me a cake or arrange anything whatsoever for the day. He then got me a children's caterpillar cake 2 days later.

He hasn't arranged anything for this weekend despite it being the only weekend I'll have off for months as in on annual leave and he knows I work most weekends for childcare purposes.

I think he's cottoned on to my bad feeling this evening as he's suddenly talking about holidays , and maybe going out NEXT weekend "to do something for your birthday" knowing full well I'm back to work . I swiftly told him I'm working and this isn't going to be possible.

I'm feeling completely underwhelmed by it. Yes he got me a bag, all he had to do was click on the link I sent him and enter his card details.

For his birthday I'd got him a present, and some little silly presents from our DC (sweeties, socks etc), I also booked a hotel night for us TWICE which we didn't end up going to as 1st one ever so slightly collided with work and 2nd one he didn't want to go in the end. I gave up after that and didn't rebook it. But I made an effort at least.

I feel like he couldn't have made any less effort for my birthday, if he would have made any less effort I wouldn't have that bag, and birthday would be forgotten.

AIBU to be really upset and pissed off ?

OP posts:
beany5 · 26/01/2018 22:12

If I sent my husband a link for a bag I wanted for my birthday and he got it for me I would be delighted.

Flutterbyeee · 26/01/2018 22:17

Wow. Imagine being a single mum for six years who gets feck all?!

Original poster
Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:18

Would you though Beany?
Would you not be even slightly put out by a lack of effort ? Even a bunch of daffodils or a bar of chocolate , or a nice family lunch together tomorrow, a day to the park??? Anything that requires a slight bit of effort?
It's not about the money, I'm not materialistic (honestly) it's the lack of effort , the secondary cake, the afterthoughts .

OP posts:
Original poster
Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:19

Flutterbyeee that is a different situation.
The effort I made for his birthday has not been reciprocated even a little bit.

OP posts:
Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 26/01/2018 22:21

Sad yes I’d be pissed off in your situation. My OH is just as useless. One year I insisted he took me out for dinner and arranged babysitters. He sat on his phone the entire time playing a game... I think men genuinely don’t see the big deal though.

AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 22:22

OP, have you heard of the five languages of love? It’s about how people express love in different ways (words, touch, actions, time together and gifts). The problem is that we tend to expect our partners to show they love us in the same ‘language’ that we use to show we love them, but this may not be the one that comes naturally to them.

I’m words and touch. DH is actions and time together. Neither of us are gifts (hence I would be perfectly happy with the birthday you describe).

Does he show that he loves you in other ways? Or is he generally a bit thoughtless?

BulletFox · 26/01/2018 22:23

Happy birthday Fringed Flowers

I'm not personally into birthdays, but if you feel a bit neglected just be firm and tell him you want a mini celebration. Why not have a nice family lunch?

AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 22:23

I’d be a lot more pissed off if I was married to Pleasedont’s DH. That is just rude.

Uterusuterusgarlic · 26/01/2018 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2018 22:26

I’d be upset considering you made more effort on his birthday.
I’m assuming it’s not your first birthday with him, was he better on any others?
DP was a bit crap on my first birthday with him and I spoke to him before my next one but I’m also quite specific in saying what I want to do on my birthday.
Is it too late to do anything this weekend now?

beany5 · 26/01/2018 22:26

When I met my hubby he wasn't big on birthdays at all or any other day really that involves sending a card. Now we have 5 kids I know my birthday is an afterthought so I just make sure I treat myself instead. I had my 40th a couple of years ago and he put some thought into that which was nice. It wasn't much but coming from him it meant a lot. I'm now known to buy my own presents and give them to him to wrap up for me as he leads such a busy life. At Christmas I always put something extra under the tree for me as well ;)

Original poster
Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:27

AmberTopaz

No ive never heard about five languages of love
If I were to give him one of them words I suppose it would be "actions" due to his work around the house (DIY) , spending money on renovating so we have a nice home. etc.

I just feel totally unappreciated. I literally couldn't have given him any more hints about Harry Potter studio tour as I'm a huge fan but haven't been yet. I've been talking about it for ages. It seems a bit Whitney to say this but I thought he would have got the hint by now.
This current weekend is one of the only ones we'll get off Together for months , and it's gonna be same old shit.
Him staring at his goddam phone.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 26/01/2018 22:27

I’m a bit surprised by everyone’s reactions on here as no one I know in real life would be happy with that from their husband.

AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 22:28

You could still go to the Harry Potter studios thing though?

AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 22:29

This weekend I mean?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/01/2018 22:32

I would have been upset if he hadn't taken the DC just to get a little token like sweets or chocolates or something.

Darkstar4855 · 26/01/2018 22:34

YANBU to be upset but I think you should talk to him about it.

BexConnor · 26/01/2018 22:34

I'd love a caterpillar cake! Yum!

Perhaps he thought you didn't want a big fuss made over your birthday? Not everyone does. I think it may have been a little harsh to shut him down so quickly when he suggested going out for the weekend - it may not be convenient, and the offer may be coming a little late, but at least he did offer when he realised he'd upset you.

If you still want to do something for your birthday maybe tell him the weekend is not an option BUT you'd really like to go out another night or get a takeaway or whatever.

Either way I don't think it's worth getting upset over really.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2018 22:34

I’m a bit surprised by everyone’s reactions on here as no one I know in real life would be happy with that from their husband.

But this is Mumsnet where you're not allowed to celebrate birthdays once you hit adulthood.
And you also have to be grateful that you have a partner, no matter how shit he is.

Back in the real world, yes we're likely to be upset when the person who is supposed to care for us the most, can't be arsed to do the simplest thing to show that.

Original poster
Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:37

Ps I've been with him 11 years, I have always loved birthdays and always been on a countdown from like three weeks before. Yes it might be immature, but I don't really care.

I've had a really really shit year with two misscarriages and a DC who is a handful which I do the majority of the care for, either due to his not being here due to work, or his tiredness due to work, or his inability to put his phone down.

I don't want to sound like a martyr .

I just would have really appreciated a small bit of effort . Just something special, even if it is silly.

Some of the replies on here are a bit harsh and I forge you to actually Think about whether you would like your DH to treat you like that.

Tomorrow, I'm
Going to get up and go and buy myself some bloody flowers .

OP posts:
Bluelady · 26/01/2018 22:40

Maybe you should take a more realistic view of birthdays. You sound about 10.

80sMum · 26/01/2018 22:44

Oh, Monkey if you wanted to go to the Harry Potter studios tour, why on earth did you not just book it yourself?! Clearly, your DP is not the type that spends ages planning and buying thoughtful gifts! I think if you're able to accept that, you'll be a lot happier in the long run.

Just do your own thing, buy your own presents. That's what I do! My DH is not in the slightest way the gift-buying type and never has been. He did absolutely nothing for my 60th birthday a couple of weeks ago (and that's fine because I wasn't expecting him to do anything). I decided I fancied going out for a meal the day before my birthday (couldn't go on the actual day because I was working and had other commitments), so I just booked a table for the 2 of us myself!

If I waited for DH to do stuff then we would never go to the theatre, never go on days out and never go on holiday! If I don't do these things myself, they don't happen!

Stop buying presents for your DP. He's not interested in them, so just save your money and spend it on something nice for yourself from time to time. It works for me! Means that I I always get what I want!

userofthiswebsite · 26/01/2018 22:48

Some posters are being nasty just for the sake of it really...

ReanimatedSGB · 26/01/2018 22:48

Has he always been uninterested in your birthday? Some people are just a lot less bothered about birthdays than others (though if you are married to someone who does care about birthdays, you should make a bit of an effort, if you love that person, because it won't kill you and it will make your partner happy.)

Ihatepompoussoccermums · 26/01/2018 22:50

Maybe he’s putting you off the scent because he might actually have a surprise planned.