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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my birthday

68 replies

Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:04

It was my birthday Tuesday

DH had bought me a handbag , that I browsed for online in the sales. He did give this to me on the day.

He didn't get me a cake or arrange anything whatsoever for the day. He then got me a children's caterpillar cake 2 days later.

He hasn't arranged anything for this weekend despite it being the only weekend I'll have off for months as in on annual leave and he knows I work most weekends for childcare purposes.

I think he's cottoned on to my bad feeling this evening as he's suddenly talking about holidays , and maybe going out NEXT weekend "to do something for your birthday" knowing full well I'm back to work . I swiftly told him I'm working and this isn't going to be possible.

I'm feeling completely underwhelmed by it. Yes he got me a bag, all he had to do was click on the link I sent him and enter his card details.

For his birthday I'd got him a present, and some little silly presents from our DC (sweeties, socks etc), I also booked a hotel night for us TWICE which we didn't end up going to as 1st one ever so slightly collided with work and 2nd one he didn't want to go in the end. I gave up after that and didn't rebook it. But I made an effort at least.

I feel like he couldn't have made any less effort for my birthday, if he would have made any less effort I wouldn't have that bag, and birthday would be forgotten.

AIBU to be really upset and pissed off ?

OP posts:

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/01/2018 22:50

I absolutely love birthdays as my husband always makes a big effort, so yes, I would be disappointed by this. I like the card, the cake, the pressies, perhaps go out for a meal. Nothing too expensive or fancy, but makes you feel special. We do this for every family member so no-one is left out.

I am not interested in love language crap on birthdays, my love language is not gifts, but given I'm a nice person who loves my husband, I get him a gift, a cake and make him feel special. This is basic relationship 101 stuff to me and I can't imagine having to put a brave face on it on my birthday and I don't know anyone that just accepts an online gift they arranged themselves and doesn't even get a meal out or a nice takeaway.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 26/01/2018 22:51

The first birthday I had with dh I spent cleaning my bedroom and hoovering the house. Boy did I let rip I had expected effort!
Fast forward and we got married on my birthday 3 years ago!! He needs to go all out every year now!!

Original poster

Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:55

Ihatepompouss

There is no way he's planning a surprise.
Lovely thought , but no.

If we manage to get a date night once every six months it's because I've organised it. Babysitters, restaurants , cinema tickets.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 26/01/2018 22:57

Happy Birthday Op

Talkingfrog · 26/01/2018 22:58

Yanbu wanting to do something or spend some quality time with family to mark your birthday.
We usually go out for the day somewhere at the weekend. Dh's birthday next Friday. We are member of national trust, wwt, RSPB and the arboretum so we will probably go to one of those at the weekend which we would have gone to at some point soon anyway.
If dh isn't going to plan anything and you have a rare day off, arrange something for yourself that you like doing.

And remember not to bother organising anything for his birthday next time either.

MumW · 26/01/2018 22:59

Took my DH over 20 years of marriage and my 50th for him to get it right.
He booked a surprise week away, during term time having organised for DC to stay with grandparents.
Having said that, I've always had cards/gifts from DC.
You have my sympathies.

singingdetective · 26/01/2018 23:01

You won't get much sympathy around here, apparently adults aren't allowed to celebrate anything past the age of 18.

ThatWasThat · 26/01/2018 23:01

Fringed, I sympathise. Say you want to do the Harry Potter experience for your birthday, with the website open in front of you, and open the discussion about the best day to choose, and book it. Set the pattern and expectation- for all your family birthdays - there's an event (which doesn't have to cost anything but time) and a present (could be a token present for adults).

Showing people that they matter to you is important, and birthdays are a reminder to do this in the melee of every day life.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/01/2018 23:03

If l only had one weekend off l wouldn't leave it to anyone else to planit. Ok he is a pain but now get up and get going and sort something for tomorrow or Sunday. No point in adding to the misery.

Originalfoogirl · 26/01/2018 23:04

You want daffodils in January?

Marmalady75 · 26/01/2018 23:05

I have learned after years of spending hours selecting the perfect gifts from myself and dc for dh that I am setting myself up for a fall if I think it will be reciprocated. He just doesn’t get it or see it the way I do. Last year he was rubbish with my birthday - no card, no cake, no present from dc etc. It finally made me realise that despite being a lovely man who obviously loves me, that we are on different wavelengths when it comes to this sort of thing. Usually I book us a night or two away for his birthday and he gets a thoughtful present, card,cake etc, but last year I put very little effort or thought in and he seemed just as happy. We are all wired differently and the sooner we accept that fact the happier we will all be.

Biffsboys · 26/01/2018 23:05

I would feel the same - only on mumsnet birthdays don’t matter ? The story about being on his phone would make me mad 😠

Rainbowblume · 26/01/2018 23:06

At least he got what you wanted. Every year I say I'd like a pair of earrings. I don't get earrings or sometimes anything at all. Just do what you want. This year I'm organising my own party, cake, decorations, present. I've booked 2 days off work alone to do what I want. My DH just doesn't care about birthdays. I care a lot.

Rainbowblume · 26/01/2018 23:07

And I'm getting myself some excellent earrings.

ManchesterGin · 26/01/2018 23:07

Could you not say, how about we go to Harry Potter for my birthday this weekend?

My gifts on my last year were generally things I'd sent links for plus some gin (always welcome!). I'd rather get the presents I want than things he thinks I want. I wouldn't think twice about saying let's go to X restaurant or cinema etc for my birthday next week.

TathitiPete · 26/01/2018 23:08

Why are people being so bloody facetious? "You could've bought yourself a cake" "Why didn't you buy the tickets yourself?" "You could have booked a romantic night away in a hotel with your DH yourself" What if OP faniced a birthday shag? "You sound like a 10 year old Princess, why don't you just go up to bed and masterbate? Poor bloke. When I was a child my parents didn't even tell me it was my birthday. They wouldn't even let me come up from the mines a bit early on my birthday until I was 21. And I never got cake. I couldn't even spell cake. All I got was half of a rotten banana ad that was to do me for birthday and Christmas."

Maybe, just maybe, some people would like to feel that someone gives a shit about them? Idk, just seems like it would feel nice if someone else did something nice for you once in a red moon. Ooh, let's see how far we can take this now and picture someone's husband doing something nice for them! Too far? Maybe that's beyond the suspension of disbelief.

EggsonHeads · 26/01/2018 23:09

Are you twelve? I which case please call the police. If you are not then yes, YABVU.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/01/2018 23:09

Also my dh is good at birthdays but useless at diy. My idea of bliss would be waking up on my birthday to find pictures hanging that are waiting months and other jobs done..l hate diy too.

flimflaminurjams · 26/01/2018 23:12

YANBU - happy birthday to you.

Some people on here are just nasty, making apologies and allowances for him.

He knows you better than any of us, he knows you've had a shit time of it, he knows you only have limited times off. Epic fail on his part. Was he expecting you to sort it all out?

Tell him you were looking forward to it and now its pants. Treat yourself and when its his birthday tell him you will put as much effort in as he did for yours. He'll get the message.

Hellywelly10 · 26/01/2018 23:13

How much did the handbag cost?

Ariela · 26/01/2018 23:15

YABU
I hate presents as even if I say exactly what I want (which spoils the surprise if that's what they buy) somehow never get anything useful or that I wanted.

Finally, after 56 of them managed to get NO presents for my birthday this year. Success means no disappointment.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/01/2018 23:25

Cakes, days out and surprise presents are for children. You asked for a bag and got a bag.

Can you imagine this in reverse? My DH is sulking after I gave him the gift he had asked for but he also expected a cake, weekend out and other things?

leccybill · 26/01/2018 23:26

Daffodils in January is a thing. I'm on my third bunch!

Gemini69 · 26/01/2018 23:27

How much did the handbag cost?

what relevance does this have ?

Hellywelly10 · 26/01/2018 23:59

Because if it was very expensive then perhaps it was enough. If it was cheaper then perhaps hubby could have done a bit more. Imo

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