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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my birthday

68 replies

Fringedmonkey · 26/01/2018 22:04

It was my birthday Tuesday

DH had bought me a handbag , that I browsed for online in the sales. He did give this to me on the day.

He didn't get me a cake or arrange anything whatsoever for the day. He then got me a children's caterpillar cake 2 days later.

He hasn't arranged anything for this weekend despite it being the only weekend I'll have off for months as in on annual leave and he knows I work most weekends for childcare purposes.

I think he's cottoned on to my bad feeling this evening as he's suddenly talking about holidays , and maybe going out NEXT weekend "to do something for your birthday" knowing full well I'm back to work . I swiftly told him I'm working and this isn't going to be possible.

I'm feeling completely underwhelmed by it. Yes he got me a bag, all he had to do was click on the link I sent him and enter his card details.

For his birthday I'd got him a present, and some little silly presents from our DC (sweeties, socks etc), I also booked a hotel night for us TWICE which we didn't end up going to as 1st one ever so slightly collided with work and 2nd one he didn't want to go in the end. I gave up after that and didn't rebook it. But I made an effort at least.

I feel like he couldn't have made any less effort for my birthday, if he would have made any less effort I wouldn't have that bag, and birthday would be forgotten.

AIBU to be really upset and pissed off ?

OP posts:

AnotherShirtRuined · 27/01/2018 00:01

I think Marmalade75 has it about the different wavelngths, especially if all you do is give hints. Have you ever sat him down and explained to him how much your birthdays and the efforts he puts into them actually mean to you and how no effort upsets you and makes you feel unappreciated and unloved? And that the effort you put into his birthdays is the level you would love to get from him? If you have, he needs to up his game, but if you haven't perhaps give it a go?

Sometimes men really are pretty dense about these things. And that is not simply making excuses for him. I have stopped the hints with my own husband after he has repeately begged me to be more specific and not expect him to be a mindreader as he a) doesn't get the hints and b) gets stressed out due to the pressure. Luckily I'm a fairly practical person when it comes to gifts, as is he, and we usually buy eachother something practical for the house that we both want. Neither of us ever do cards. Any other plans are discussed and made together well in advance.

I also believe in the different love languages described by another poster. Threads like these seem to be proof that they exist. For me it is easy to be practical about gifts as I care much more about everyday physical affection. My husband never gives me flowers, for instance, as I have told him to save his money because I would much rather have a cuddle. The main thing is to be aware of how each of you show and prefer to receive affection.

Happy birthday! I really hope you get to do something exciting this weekend.

Originalfoogirl · 27/01/2018 00:01

Daffodils in January is a thing. I'm on my third bunch!
Whaaaat? Where on earth do you live?

TrinitySquirrel · 27/01/2018 00:05

My husband, family and friends all forgot my birthday a few weeks ago.

I went and bought my own cake and cried silently in the car before chucking it in the bin.

I would've been happy with a kitkat, let alone a handbag.

Gemini69 · 27/01/2018 00:07

I adore daffodils .... mines are coming up now

GammaDelta · 27/01/2018 00:15

Ok op... YANBU ..but what are you going to do about it... are you thinking of talking to your DH. Or just letting it be as it is

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/01/2018 00:21

Sounds like he just doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

LaurenCooper · 27/01/2018 00:21

My DH is the breadwinner and has a very demanding job while I only have a token part time job. I use DH's card to sort out presents for his family, DC and myself. DH is more than happy to let me deal with all that as he finds it a chore while I enjoy a spot of shopping and have the time to do so. On my birthday I book the swanky restaurant, taxi, babysitter and buy myself something I want. Not the most romantic set up but it works for us.

BigBaboonBum · 27/01/2018 00:24

Jesus wept. Poor you. Please think about therapy... anything to get you through this difficult time.
Do you have family around that you can talk to?
I’m so sorry this is happening OP

wantabusiness · 27/01/2018 00:36

Happy Birthday Fringed . YANBU.
My grandfather used to buy cake for gm even in his 80s. Buying a cake and/or flowers/card is not that difficult. It seems like your dh has realised his mistake and wants to make it up to you, so try to forgive him and let him take you on holiday when you have next weekend off.

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2018 00:50

The Four Yorkshiremen are out in force tonight.
On a practical level, the Harry Potter tour will almost certainly be fully booked for this weekend. I would work out when your next weekend off is and book it for that. Then find something nice to do for yourself this weekend - preferably with friends and then you can leave your DH to it while you go out. Even going to the cinema on your own would be better than nothing.

mustlovedogs · 27/01/2018 04:32

Christ some people are right assholes.
God forbid anyone would expect their husband to do anymore than the bare minimum. You should just be happy he ever married you! You're clearly just an ungrateful, immature child if you expect to be treated like someone special to your oh.

I would be upset op. My dh always organises a dinner with family, a dinner with just us, a gift and a nice cake. I do the same for him. Sometimes we throw a party or go away for a weekend. We always do something.

Happy birthday op

StripeyDeckchair · 27/01/2018 07:33

(Sweeping generalisation alert)

It's no good hinting, men don't get hints - EVER

If it's your birthday and you want it celebrated 2 or 3 weeks beforehand you have to say it's my birthday soon I'd like to .....
If you sent him a link for a birthday why not state what you want in the same message?

I'd be pissed off at no presents from the children - but ours get excited about everyone's birthday and start nagging weeks beforehand about presents and cake.

Bostin · 27/01/2018 07:34

I’m with you OP.

My DH used to be much better with birthdays but makes less effort, probably because I am normally the one who sorts birthday cards, presents, cake etc. But not my own!
He likes to be given a birthday cake but a few years back didn’t organise himself enough get me one. I told him I wanted a cake so now he gets me one.
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I asked him last night if he had anything planned and he got really stroppy. He’s taken the day off so it’s not that much a leap to think he might have at least thought how the day might pan out. Last year he knew I wanted to go somewhere for a meal but wasn’t organised enough and I ended up booking my birthday meal elsewhere.
How would your DH react if you said on my birthday I would like to do xyz? I never ask for anything over the top. Just a nice day with family.

Original poster

Fringedmonkey · 27/01/2018 08:35

I understand men don't get the concept of hinting. But saying "i really want to go to Harry Potter tour" x 100 over the last 12 months, might indicate that I really want to go.

The only thing missing is "I want to go HP on my birthday"

The bag cost about £30 - don't really think it's relevant though as it's not about the money its the effort/lack of affection.

I've organised to go out with my friends for lunch today to a nice restaurant that's opened up locally. And on the way back I'm going to buy myself some flowers, and start looking at dates to go Harry Potter myself. Even if it's just me and DC who has recently got into Hp big time.

And he can expect the same amount of effort in his birthday .

Sounds petty and an eye for an eye. But if he truly doesn't "get it" then it won't bother him.

Anything I want from now on I'm going to organise myself, I can't rely on him to make one day special for me.
I do feel a bit pathetic organising a date night for us on my birthday, booking everything etc, because I do that for the rare date nights we get during the year, but I guess that's just the way it's going to be

OP posts:

FiveLittlePigs · 27/01/2018 08:57

You want daffodils in January?

They've been in the supermarkets for a couple of weeks now.

FiveLittlePigs · 27/01/2018 08:58

Hope you have a good day out, Fringed

Bostin · 27/01/2018 09:45

When I booked my birthday meal last year I wouldn’t tell him where we were going only that I was taking him out for a surprise meal for my birthday. I think he got the point.

Nikephorus · 27/01/2018 10:25

I think Marmalade75 has it about the different wavelngths, especially if all you do is give hints. Have you ever sat him down and explained to him how much your birthdays and the efforts he puts into them actually mean to you and how no effort upsets you and makes you feel unappreciated and unloved? And that the effort you put into his birthdays is the level you would love to get from him? If you have, he needs to up his game, but if you haven't perhaps give it a go?
This ^^. I don't do birthdays so it genuinely wouldn't occur to me to buy a partner a birthday cake (though if they said 'I really want a birthday cake' I'd make sure I'd made one) or book a weekend away. A present & card would seem normal to me. And unless you added 'when can we go?' to your comments about wanting to go to the HP tour I wouldn't necessarily twig to that either. But if you said 'I'd really like to go for my birthday' then once I'd confirmed with you the dates you could do I'd get it booked at the speed of light. It's about clear communication - so many people on here think that because they feel or act a certain way, their partners will too. It doesn't occur to them that their partners are thinking the same thing but from a starting point of acting / feeling differently. Spell out clearly what you want or expect in life and you're more likely to get it. And if then you still don't, well you know you've hooked a selfish one and can act accordingly. Otherwise you're setting them up to fail and yourself up to being unhappy.

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