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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I am allowed to be upset over this?

65 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/01/2018 21:48

DS is 27 and has cerebal palsy, he lives independently. We recently found that he will (as I long suspected but kind of....hoped I was wrong) need major surgery on his legs. It will involve knee replacement and shortening of one of his legs.

I have cried and cried. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone, but I told a relative that I was upset for him and had cried. They were cross with me saying I should be nothing but positive and I was selfish for being upset.

He is my eldest, he has been through so much over the years. Surgeries, very painful injections, physio, physcial pain as a result of his issues, learning problems and it just isnt fucking fair. I want him to not have to go through anymore of this and although I know that in the long run it will make his life much better, I am really finding it hard to not be upset at him having to go through yet more surgery and pain and a long recovery.

Surely I am allowed to have a little cry, on my own and sometimes be a bit sad about it? I told his person how I feel because I trusted them and now I feel like shite. I love him and just want him to be ok and I know that this is the right thing but I cant help feeling gutted that for an accident during his birth, this is his life. He struggled to find work, struggles with every day tasks and now this.

He will never know how I feel about this, I will always be positive and supportive of him.

OP posts:

BigBairyHollocks · 26/01/2018 21:50

Of course you’re allowed to be upset.He is still your child and it’s a big deal. for you.

AmberTopaz · 26/01/2018 21:50

Of course you are, OP! Have a good cry. Your relative sounds like she hasn’t really tried to put herself in your position.

Gemlou1989 · 26/01/2018 21:50

Big hugs OP and I hope everything goes well for your son
You have every right to have a bloody good cry!

TheSnowFairy · 26/01/2018 21:51

Of course YANBU.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/01/2018 21:51

Oh, op, of course yanbu. You're allowed to feel sad for your child, and you've said you're nothing but positive to his face. Sorry to hear of his and your struggles.

Faking · 26/01/2018 21:52

You should be allowed to show your emotions. It's a big thing and it will be a humongous change. I think relative is being really dismissive.

HeidioftheAlps · 26/01/2018 21:53

Your relative is rude and weird. Of course you are allowed to be upset.

Mayhemmumma · 26/01/2018 21:53

Not selfish at all! You cry he's your son! You cry for him out of love and a worry only a parent really understands. He is lucky to have such a loving mum.

Callamia · 26/01/2018 21:53

Doesn’t everyone cry for their own child’s pain? We’d take it on ourselves if we could, and we can’t - so we feel sad for them.

The surgery might be a good thing for him in the long run of course; but your feelings are entirely appropriate. I hope all goes as well as possible.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/01/2018 21:54

Thanks. I know if I read an OP like that I would think "WTF? WHy ask? Of course you are ok to be upset!" but you know when some people are so fucking certain that they are right that you end up questioning yourself?

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 26/01/2018 21:54

You would have to be pretty cold hearted not to be upset. No mum wants their child to have to have surgery, especially if they have struggled with life anyway.

Go and have a full on snot fest !

troodiedoo · 26/01/2018 21:54

Cry away. Sorry for your situation. Giving them the massive benefit of the doubt, your relative meant well and was trying to cheer you up in a cack handed way. Or they may just be a twat. Dealing with stuff like you have is hard going. Maybe some professional/trained support would be beneficial for you?

Glumglowworm · 26/01/2018 21:54

Of course you are allowed

It sounds like you’re doing and saying all the supportive things to your son, you’re definitely allowed a private cry. It’s natural to be upset that your child will have to go through something like that, even if they’re grown up.

Flipflopflipflap · 26/01/2018 21:55

YOU sound like a lovely mum. Certainly nbu.
Love to you and your son.

beautifulgirls · 26/01/2018 21:55

It hurts as a parent to see your child struggle. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that emotion. Your relative is being unreasonable and should try harder to understand what you are going through. I'd find a better friend to speak to for some support instead. Hope things go well for your son from here with the treatment.

Samcro · 26/01/2018 21:58

You are so allowed
My adult dc has cp and its bloody hard
Cry and be kind to yourself x

TyneTeas · 26/01/2018 21:58

Of course you are!

(And your relative might need to understand the ring theory of empathy articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407)

KarmaStar · 26/01/2018 21:58

This relative hasn't a clue what you are going through OP,therefore,please absolutely discount what they said.they were beyond insensitive to say it.
Nobody but other people in a similar situation will understand,do you belong to a supporters group?if not it is definitely worth joining,you can communicate with each other without having to explain your feelings because they know.it is a massive relief to have others knowing how your life is.
You're doing all you can allow yourself time out ,it's natural.
Sending you 🌼🌻🌼🌻💜💜

Almostfifty · 26/01/2018 22:00

Watching your child struggle medically is absolutely shit. Having to be strong for them is wearying.

You can indulge in a little weep anytime you want to, away from your DS. Go and do so, you're strong for him when you need to be, have a wee time to yourself when you can.

BewareOfDragons · 26/01/2018 22:01

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your relative is a clueless jerk who doesn't have a clue. Please, please, please ignore the clueless jerk.

I hope the surgery is successful.

chocolateworshipper · 26/01/2018 22:06

You'd be a bloody weird Mum if this didn't upset you. Very best wishes to you and your DS.

troodiedoo · 26/01/2018 22:07

Thanks @TyneTeas that's a very useful representation.

grannytomine · 26/01/2018 22:12

It is horrible to watch your own child suffer. No one has a right to tell you how to feel, obviously you will be positive with him and hopefully it will be well worth it in the long run but perfectly reasonable to have a cry.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 26/01/2018 22:15

Oh Op I feel for you. I lost DH at the age of 29. I never cried in front of him-or anyone really but used to sob my heart out when alone.

There were very few people I felt safe to cry in front of-and the betrayal of the relative you admitted how you were feeling to is disappointing. When it is something so huge people sometimes cannot grasp it but still shitty.

I did find that people expected me to cheer them up while DH was struggling-it is such a hard road to be a carer and my hear goes out to you.

you must cry to get it out so you can be strong for DS. Think you sound an amazing and strong Mum.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/01/2018 22:16

YANBU at all. Nobody wants their child to go through painful surgery!

Your relative is an idiot, but sadly one of a growing band of idiot positivity fascists. These are the people who firmly tell people with stage 3 cancer that they will be FINE because they are STRONG. I think it stems from an inability to handle fear and uncertainty rather than unkindness.

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