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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I am allowed to be upset over this?

65 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/01/2018 21:48

DS is 27 and has cerebal palsy, he lives independently. We recently found that he will (as I long suspected but kind of....hoped I was wrong) need major surgery on his legs. It will involve knee replacement and shortening of one of his legs.

I have cried and cried. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone, but I told a relative that I was upset for him and had cried. They were cross with me saying I should be nothing but positive and I was selfish for being upset.

He is my eldest, he has been through so much over the years. Surgeries, very painful injections, physio, physcial pain as a result of his issues, learning problems and it just isnt fucking fair. I want him to not have to go through anymore of this and although I know that in the long run it will make his life much better, I am really finding it hard to not be upset at him having to go through yet more surgery and pain and a long recovery.

Surely I am allowed to have a little cry, on my own and sometimes be a bit sad about it? I told his person how I feel because I trusted them and now I feel like shite. I love him and just want him to be ok and I know that this is the right thing but I cant help feeling gutted that for an accident during his birth, this is his life. He struggled to find work, struggles with every day tasks and now this.

He will never know how I feel about this, I will always be positive and supportive of him.

OP posts:

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 26/01/2018 22:19

that does sound a bit contradictory -
I was really trying to say couldn't cry in front of ppl- but heart broken and had a few ppl I could share pain with.

I struggled to cry in front of anyone although big cry baby but needed ppl to talk to about how I felt. Just never wanted to admit how I felt because I didn't want to face it....

Babyroobs · 26/01/2018 22:19

YANBU. There must be nothing worse than watching your child go through so much. I have 4 kids and only one of them seems to have all the issues- acne, braces , other minor problems and I have felt like crying at times for him. However these are minor in comparison to what your son is going through. Hope all goes well for him.

Leeds2 · 26/01/2018 22:20

YA absolutely NBU.

And I would avoid confiding anything with your relative in the future, because I don't think they are on your side.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 22:22

What kind of person would tell a mother she shouldn't cry over something like this? Your relative is deeply weird! Any mother would be in bits at the thought of yet more pain, risk and hard recovery after the years and years of it you have already been through.

Cry as much as you need to. And don't let anyone tell you you're not entitled to.

yorkshireyummymummy · 26/01/2018 22:28

I’m amazed that someone would think you are selfish for crying over your child having to have major surgery after a lifetime of medical problems. I’m literally gobsmacked. I presume this person has no children of their own and therefore cannot understand the love a mother has for her child and the sheer feeling of helplessness and terror when your child needs medical intervention - especially at this level.
You sound like a fab, loving caring mummy who shows your DS nothing but smiles and positivity and does your crying behind closed doors.
Ignore this person who has zero empathy and understanding.
Yes, it’s your son who is having the operation but YOUR feelings are no less important. But there’s probably no point even trying to explain it to your relative as they have shown they don’t understand.
Ignore, move on and have a cry whenever you want one, it’s vital to let that emotion out.
i hope everything goes really well for you and your boy has a super speedy recovery.

Originalfoogirl · 26/01/2018 22:29

I’m only 8 years into our CP journey and seeing what she has been through so far, Another 20 years of this isn’t going to make seeing her struggle any easier.

I often sit and have a cry about it, usually with my husband, sometimes with other family members. Generally they cry along with me then we talk up the positives and get ready for the next round of whatever shit she has to go through with a smile on our faces and the mental strength to get through it. Without those moments to crumble and cry like a baby, we’d never get through it.

So, you sob, you cry, you get angry all you want my dear. With all we go through, it is your absolute right to do so.

And tell that relative to fuck right off, then fuck off a bit further and when they’ve fucked off so far they have come all the way back, they can fuck off again.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 22:30

I have some bad words for your relative.

Of course you can cry! Good heaven's, most would be suprised if you didn't! He's your baby, no matter how old he is!

kaytee87 · 26/01/2018 22:34

Uck op of course you're allowed to be upset. I hope your son recovers well
My dad cried when I sent him a photograph of my leg 2 weeks after I'd broken it in 4 places and had an op to put plates in.
I cried when my 18mo had the flu last month because he was just so ill and I felt helpless

duckyquackers · 26/01/2018 22:35

It doesn't matter how old he is, he's still your baby and you're definitely allowed to be upset. Any parent would be, especially as you've witnessed all that he's been through.

I can't believe someone told you that you're being selfish, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Ignore them op, take care x

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 22:38

Actually crying a bit myself at the thought of you being told that by someone who should have been supportive. I don't know if you do hugs, I'm rather on the fence myself, but I'm gingerly proffering you one (((()))))

MoreHairyThanScary · 26/01/2018 22:39

Your relative is an arse !

I had some news about my dc's Health this week....long term condition new problems and I have cried, I know the treatment will help but I just wish it would all go away and leave her alone.

for you OP, sadness is nothing to be ashamed of.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2018 22:50

Here's a hand to hold, Pyongyang; I totally understand, having a disabled son myself for whom more and more things keep going wrong, and it's just heartwrenching - though clearly you've been the best possible parent to have brought him so far that he's able to live independently. So many disabled young people never manage that, so first of all give yourself a huge pat on the back

Possibly your relative was trying to make "positive noises", but some people just don't think before they speak and describing you of all people as selfish was unkind in the extreme. I'm wondering if you're in touch with any cerebral palsy support groups? Granted we don't always want to rely on those whose main focus is "the label", but would they, with their shared experience, be better able to listen perhaps?

In the meantime you're not in the least unreasonable to have a few sad moments for yourself; it's natural, expected and actually quite a relief not to have to pretend everything's just marvellous all the time

And I hope your lovely son's surgery goes very well, that his recovery is as swift as possible and that you can soon be putting this horrible time behind you all

MammaTJ · 26/01/2018 22:51

Of course you are allowed to be upset.

Maybe the relative is upset to see you upset!

Darkstar4855 · 26/01/2018 22:54

YANBU. Your son is lucky to have such a deeply caring mother and I hope his surgery goes well.

ConfusedButInLove · 26/01/2018 22:55

Yes your son is 27 but he will always be your child. You are sad that he has had such a hard struggle through life.
Your friend was really harsh. She is meant to be the person you cry to. Because as you already know,you don't cry in front of your child.
Please ignore her. Well done for being so strong. I hope his operation goes well. Xxx

HermionesRightHook · 26/01/2018 23:08

Your relative was an arse. Have you heard of the Ring Theory? Basically, your son is the centre of the ring, you are the next layer. Others are in layers outside you. The idea is that in these circles, you dump out, and comfort in - which is what your natural instinct has been. You comfort your son and don't dump your emotions on him, like you have been. Your support, your relative, should listen to you, and they support you, and if they need a handhold, they find someone in a lower layer to dump on.

I've done it myself since I've learned about this - at the moment a friend has a very ill sister, who I know, but I didn't moan at her how hard it was for me - I listened to her, and then I cried to my husband.

Run down here: articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/01/2018 23:16

He is still your baby, despite being 27.. Nothing weird about having a wobble about more surgery. To him you can be positive but now you know you cannot share this sort of thing with this relative. You weep away lovey.

flimflaminurjams · 26/01/2018 23:17

You cry because you have a heart and empathy.
You cry because you know the struggles your DS will have to go through and as Mum you want to take it all away.

Your son will need you and be glad of your compassion. Sometimes we need people who can empathise and agree that things are crap, not just try and enforce stiff upper lip.

Your relative is a turd.

good luck to you and your DS

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 26/01/2018 23:19

Of course you are allowed to be upset.

If you had a choice in the matter, you would probably choose not to be upset. We cannot help our feelings and it's a big thing for you and your son.

ScarlettSahara · 26/01/2018 23:26

Your relative is heartless & should be supportive. Hope the surgery is successful. Your child will always be your baby. You will always feel their suffering- that’s just the way it is. So sorry OP

Parsleyisntfood · 26/01/2018 23:27

As a pp said bloody positivity police telling you off for being honest.

Having an op is a big deal regardless of why. And when you know there’s going to be recovery and pain and more therapy and it’s not going to “cure” everything why wouldn’t you cry.

My ds has yearly check ups that cause him pain and discomfort and end up with us being told either nothing has changed or things are worse. I always drive home the long way while he snoozes so I can compose myself. Find other people to speak to and forever more make that person slightly shit tea as punishment.

IamAporcupine · 26/01/2018 23:29

Of course you are allowed to be upset!
My son is only 6, I can only imagine how you must feel

PyongyangKipperbang was this relative your own mother by any chance?

LadyLapsang · 26/01/2018 23:43

I'm not a big person for crying, but of course you're allowed to cry over this. I can't imagine how strong you have had to be over the past 27 years and how much you must have done for your DS to help him get to where he is today - and , of course, what he has done for himself. I hope the surgery is successful and improves his quality of life. Best wishes for the future.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2018 12:49

Thank you all again. I know logically that it was a stupid thing for them to say and that it would be worse to not be upset about this, but it just threw me a bit when they said it. Not my mother btw and this person does have children but has never really had to deal with any sort of hardship. I guess it is easy to stay positive all the time if you have nothing in your life that is negative! The surgery isnt imminent so we have a good few months to get our heads around it, and we will all be there for him.

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 27/01/2018 12:51

Of course you can cry. I know what you mean about questioning yourself, my DC has SN and I do that a lot.

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