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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I am allowed to be upset over this?

65 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/01/2018 21:48

DS is 27 and has cerebal palsy, he lives independently. We recently found that he will (as I long suspected but kind of....hoped I was wrong) need major surgery on his legs. It will involve knee replacement and shortening of one of his legs.

I have cried and cried. Not in front of him, not in front of anyone, but I told a relative that I was upset for him and had cried. They were cross with me saying I should be nothing but positive and I was selfish for being upset.

He is my eldest, he has been through so much over the years. Surgeries, very painful injections, physio, physcial pain as a result of his issues, learning problems and it just isnt fucking fair. I want him to not have to go through anymore of this and although I know that in the long run it will make his life much better, I am really finding it hard to not be upset at him having to go through yet more surgery and pain and a long recovery.

Surely I am allowed to have a little cry, on my own and sometimes be a bit sad about it? I told his person how I feel because I trusted them and now I feel like shite. I love him and just want him to be ok and I know that this is the right thing but I cant help feeling gutted that for an accident during his birth, this is his life. He struggled to find work, struggles with every day tasks and now this.

He will never know how I feel about this, I will always be positive and supportive of him.

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 27/01/2018 13:00

Maybe relative thought you were making it all about you and not about DS if you see what I mean? More of a 'woe is me' rather than 'poor DS, it's so crap for him'? That's the only way that reaction would have been understandable.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2018 13:04

Maybe, but the more I think about it the more I have realised that she is the sort of person that brushes things off when someone is struggling. DH just reminded me that there was a problem another family member had and we all rallied round but this family member was very much "Oh they will be fine, these things sort themselves out!" and wasnt much use at all. Things only "sorted themselves out" because we all helped!

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 27/01/2018 13:12

In that case I bet a £ that if SHE's the one struggling it's a whole different ball game and everyone is supposed to rally round while she wilts dramatically!

notanurse2017 · 27/01/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/01/2018 13:37

Has your relative had a sympathy bypass,and. They call you selfish for crying over your child. No matter how old he is. He's still and always will be your baby.
You have a bloody good cry. (((((((((()))))))))

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2018 17:20

In that case I bet a £ that if SHE's the one struggling it's a whole different ball game and everyone is supposed to rally round while she wilts dramatically!

It hasnt happened yet but actually I can just see that happening!

I am very very proud of him :) He is so independent. I rang him earlier and he was at a comicon type event in a city 60 miles away that he got to on his own to meet his mates who live there! He really doesnt need me much at all, which is what I have spent many years hoping for. I know that sounds weird but the less he needs me the better!

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 27/01/2018 19:31

He really doesnt need me much at all, which is what I have spent many years hoping for. I know that sounds weird but the less he needs me the better!
That's what all really decent parents hope for. It means they've done a good job.

Originalfoogirl · 27/01/2018 22:38

I guess it is easy to stay positive all the time if you have nothing in your life that is negative!

This x1000.

People often comment how sorted we
are, how together we are, how positive we are, how they could never do what we do. I think that comes from a place where adversity and struggle are a concept rather than a reality.

They don't see us on our worst days, or living the daily struggle. On those days we don't think we can do it either.

RJnomore1 · 27/01/2018 22:45

Hello lovely

I'm very late to the party but of course how you are coping is fine.

See that independent spirit that got him to comicon?

That's you that is.

Is this relative your mother by any chance?

HairyMaclary · 27/01/2018 22:51

My heart broke a little on reading your Op. I have a 12 year old son with CP and the thought of the almost inevitable surgery that is to come, on top of everything else is so hard. My DS works so hard, tries so hard but finds lots of things so hard and I’d love it all to stop some day but I know it won’t.

Glad to hear he’s independent and has friends though. I hope my son will be too, the signs are positive at times but not at others!

Have a cry, and a hug, and an acknowledgement of how hard it is, for him and you. X

Weezol · 27/01/2018 22:52

I would be more worried if you didn't have a cry! I'd probably have a little less time for that relative in future.

Also somewhat envious of your DS being at a comicon. He sounds ace, obviously a very smart, well brought up lad.

Spicylolly · 27/01/2018 22:55

YANBU at all! Cry your heart out out, that's so f*cking unfair. Then be strong for him when he's around. I want to cry for you, hope it all goes ok xxx

Medicaltextbook · 27/01/2018 23:14

YANBU at all. I can't imagine what it is like, as I've been the one having the treatment. I have CP, thus far only physio and various broken bones through that so very lucky. Also had a range of surgery.

I also wanted to say to the parents out there(not particularly directed at OP). You all know your DC best but as an adult it has been important to me at times to know that my parents were upset or worried. They have been very positive, but with the major surgery I had I found that knowing they understood and was scary was more helpful than the people who blindly said it would be absolutely fine and I must think positive.

KeepTheBloodyNoiseDown · 28/01/2018 02:37

Yanbu to be upset that your ds is having surgery, especially if you’re putting on a brave face with him.
I can’t remember what the model is called, and I’m probably going to explain it really badly, but there’s a model where the person directly effected by an event (illness, bereavement etc) is in the middle, and then the people closest to them are in the next layer, and it works out like that.
The point is that you should aim to support the people closer to the middle than you, and if you need support then you go to the people further out. It’s something that I’ve found useful in the past when worrying about complaining about issues, or how to support people.

lljkk · 28/01/2018 04:12

On a more positive note... I've met so many people with CP who have obviously had leg surgery (b/c I went to the beach with them or we regularly chatted in the swimming pool): and they seem to have terrific recovery. I think those types of surgery must be quite common & can have excellent outcomes. Modern pain management after procedures is excellent, too. They recommend the surgery because they know they can improve his life.

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