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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To mention this to DM and DMIL?

78 replies

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 15:52

My MIL and DM help me out with childcare, 3 days per week. They are invaluable, and they make childcare the last thing that’s ever on my mind; I know my DS is safe with them and I love them both. They share the days between them. They also help me out by cleaning and ironing whilst I’m out; I’m so grateful!

However... more or less every other week, something gets broken. If it’s obvious (and I have to say, it’s always been my DM so far), they will tell me. For instance; 2 weeks ago, my mum knocked a picture off the wall mopping the floor (I have no idea) and broke it, smashing the frame. She also rushed to answer the door, and knocked over said mop bucket all over the floor and under a sideboard. She insists on mopping with bleach, so the wood is ever so slightly stained (not so you’d notice unless you looked close up!) and when she was pulling the sideboard out to dry up all the water, a plate slid off it and smashed. She obviously had to tell me about those things because it’s noticeable, and she apologised profusely and left a note. However, we’ve had clothes shrank in the dryer, cups and glasses smashed, and the wheels of drawers come off (like the dishwasher drawers) and just left for us to find. Just today, I was dusting and I picked up a photo frame and the whole thing had just been leant together so it all came apart in my hands! Some things (like the drawer wheels) are in easy fix, but it’s still frustrating to find.

I’m 99% sure it’s my DM; none of these things seem to happen when DMIL is here, but of course I can’t go round pointing fingers.

My question is; should I say something? It’s more frustrating that I’ll find things broken, rather than the things being broken themselves, iyswim. But both of them were severely abused by both first husbands respectively (mine and DH’s respective dads). So I don’t want anyone feeling like they’re being attacked.

Or should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 26/01/2018 15:57

They are invaluable, and they make childcare the last thing that’s ever on my mind
That's an amazing state to be in!
But that's also a lot of damage sits on fence Confused

peachgreen · 26/01/2018 15:59

should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

Yeah, that. Put it this way: you'd need to have to replace a lot of photo frames before you'd come anywhere close to covering the childcare and cleaning costs you'd be paying without your DM.

It's not like it's being done maliciously - she's obviously just a bit clumsy.

Crumbs1 · 26/01/2018 15:59

Irritating but no, I’d let it pass. I might ask when your mother last had her eyes tested though.

ChocolateButton15 · 26/01/2018 16:00

Well you are very lucky she's doing your childcare and cleaning, so I wouldn't want to piss her off! Maybe just say the childcare is enough and to not worry about cleaning. Hopefully then things will stop being broken whilst she's cleaning.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 26/01/2018 16:00

So your dc is great but your home is being slowly demolished?
Your dm has ruined your wood floor!!
Where is your dc while she is so busy in her whirlwind of destruction?
Give her more things to do with the dc - get her out of the house, to the library, park, toddler group - she has too much time on her hands!

Booboobooboo84 · 26/01/2018 16:00

If your Mum is just a clumsy person then yes I’d put up and shut up to be honest. Like you said there’s a history there that may mean she does anything to avoid confrontation

Cheekyandfreaky · 26/01/2018 16:00

I would just emphasise to your DM and DMIL to not bother with housework as you want them to enjoy time with DC. Could you drop and pick up DC from their houses?

Also I think even accounting for damage, it’s probably still cheaper than professional childcare so I wouldn’t sweat it.

marymoosmum · 26/01/2018 16:01

I would sit them down at the same time, so it doesn't look like they are being picked up on and just say that we have noticed certain things keep getting broken, that you don't care that they are broken, but in future if anything does get broken can you please let us know. Be really polite and emphasise that you don't care about the things being broken.

Trinity66 · 26/01/2018 16:01

Well I assume she isn't breaking stuff on purpose so what would you say to her exactly?

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2018 16:01

Could you suggest DM cares for DS at her house “for a change of scene”? Or sign her up to a class with DS on her days so they’re out more.

I’d insist no bleach on the wooden floors, but suck up the other less permanent things like photo frames.

OhCalamity · 26/01/2018 16:01

If you weigh up the cost of childcare against the cost of replacing/ repair of the items I think you'd still be quids in.

But it sounds like your mother is a bit clumsy. Could it be potential eyesight or mobility issues? My DM rushes everything. Dishes get washed like lightening but usually means that some stains remain. She's in a big hurry to clear the table so will knock over a wine glass, that kind of thing. Does the same with laundry. All fired in and things get shrank. My DSis hates it when DM breaks or shrinks something in her house, so now she's got DM thinking that she's fussy about her housework and 'likes things done a certain way' and DM weirdly is quite proud of DSiS being anal about her housework but leaves her alone or asks what jobs she can do for her.

Maybe reduce the workload that she thinks she has to do.

5foot5 · 26/01/2018 16:03

If they are helping you out with childcare then why are they also doing housework?

Perhaps you could put it to her that you feel guilty having her clean up after you and honestly she is doing you enough of a favour by looking after your DS so please leave the housework and you will see to that yourself later. So long as she doesn't go shrinking your DS or knocking his wheels off you won't have to worry then.

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 16:04

Oh God no it’s not on purpose Confused why on earth would she break things on purpose? Who would?

I never say anything, or show irritation if something does get broken. Mainly because I am SO lucky to be in the position of having stress free childcare and coming home to a clean and —mostly— intact house Grin

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/01/2018 16:04

You could maybe encourage her to spend more time playing with your DS instead of rushing round trying to fit everything in? Could she walk him to the library/playgroup/ post a letter for example? She really shouldn’t feel under pressure to do the household chores as well as entertaining your DS and it may mean she breaks less stuff.

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 16:04

Oh, they say they get bored when DS is at school and they like to help me out Smile it’s a nice thing. DS is 7.5

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 26/01/2018 16:04

I wouldn't say anything, apart from 'you're amazing, you're a really big help, but no way should you be cleaning our house - do nice things with DC, and make sure you get a sit down too.' then be firm about repeating the message.

EggsonHeads · 26/01/2018 16:04

I gave particular hatred of ruined clothing so I would just ask your mother to leave the laundry (make up an excuse) and leavrbit st that. You are very fortunately are to have so much help.

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 16:05

5foot5 that’s a good idea

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 16:06

I should also say that our mothers are quite young; 54 and 49 respectively, so I can see why they maybe get a little bored.

OP posts:
Willswife · 26/01/2018 16:07

I would replace the items and just think of it as costing a lot less than childcare.

It sounds as though you have a fantastic set up and I wouldn't want to cause any ill feeling in your shoes.

Ask your mum to use flash or something other than bleach on the floor.

SvartePetter · 26/01/2018 16:07

Hmm. Where is your DS when she spills bleach on the floor and runs off to open the door?

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2018 16:08

Why are they at your house while DS is at school, though?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/01/2018 16:09

Maybe they need something to do for them while your DS is at school then? I’m a bit puzzled why they stay at your house when your DS isn’t there. As a 48 year old I’d say they need to get themselves a life, not doing your cleaning!

chocatoo · 26/01/2018 16:09

I would do as another poster said and make sure that they have lots to do with your children and less time to clean and make sure that they realise that the cleaning isn't expected. It might be that they relax more when they are more used to being there. I always find that I am more clumsy when I move house or on holiday...something to do with spacial awareness I guess.
It's so lovely to hear how well the set up works for you and how much you love and care for them both - what a wonderful family you have! I would just suck it up and not mention it. Things are replaceable (even tho I am sure it is a bit annoying!!).

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/01/2018 16:09

I would definitely say don’t bother with housework... that will solve your problem, but then you won’t come home to a clean house 😂

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