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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To mention this to DM and DMIL?

78 replies

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 15:52

My MIL and DM help me out with childcare, 3 days per week. They are invaluable, and they make childcare the last thing that’s ever on my mind; I know my DS is safe with them and I love them both. They share the days between them. They also help me out by cleaning and ironing whilst I’m out; I’m so grateful!

However... more or less every other week, something gets broken. If it’s obvious (and I have to say, it’s always been my DM so far), they will tell me. For instance; 2 weeks ago, my mum knocked a picture off the wall mopping the floor (I have no idea) and broke it, smashing the frame. She also rushed to answer the door, and knocked over said mop bucket all over the floor and under a sideboard. She insists on mopping with bleach, so the wood is ever so slightly stained (not so you’d notice unless you looked close up!) and when she was pulling the sideboard out to dry up all the water, a plate slid off it and smashed. She obviously had to tell me about those things because it’s noticeable, and she apologised profusely and left a note. However, we’ve had clothes shrank in the dryer, cups and glasses smashed, and the wheels of drawers come off (like the dishwasher drawers) and just left for us to find. Just today, I was dusting and I picked up a photo frame and the whole thing had just been leant together so it all came apart in my hands! Some things (like the drawer wheels) are in easy fix, but it’s still frustrating to find.

I’m 99% sure it’s my DM; none of these things seem to happen when DMIL is here, but of course I can’t go round pointing fingers.

My question is; should I say something? It’s more frustrating that I’ll find things broken, rather than the things being broken themselves, iyswim. But both of them were severely abused by both first husbands respectively (mine and DH’s respective dads). So I don’t want anyone feeling like they’re being attacked.

Or should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 26/01/2018 16:09

I never say anything, or show irritation if something does get broken. Mainly because I am SO lucky to be in the position of having stress free childcare and coming home to a clean and —mostly— intact house

I'd just be thankful about that and not rock the boat tbh Grin Maybe hide away anything breakable, replace all your crockery and cutlery with plastic stuff :p

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 16:10

They don’t work, my MIL never has and my mum used to work at a post office until about 5 years ago a few days a week but she gave that up because she found it a bit much now which I can understand.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 26/01/2018 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/01/2018 16:14

my mum used to work at a post office until about 5 years ago a few days a week but she gave that up because she found it a bit much now which I can understand.
You make them sound ancient! I know people age at different rates but honestly don’t write them off as ‘old’ at 49 and 54! Perhaps you can encourage them to find something they might like to do?

rothbury · 26/01/2018 16:17

I am wondering if DM either has eyesight problems - does she wear glasses? When did she last have them tested? Or is she possibly dyspraxic? When you were a child do you recall her being clumsy?

I am dyspraxic and can easily cause the amount of damage you describe in an average weekend. I know you are saying the issue is the "hiding it" but I agree with PP that the costs are far outweighed by the benefits of having such lovely childcare.

toomuchtooold · 26/01/2018 16:17

Oh God no it’s not on purpose why on earth would she break things on purpose? Who would

My mother did, but she was a proper nutter. It was the first thing I thought of when I saw your OP. But it sounds like your mother is lovely, so as you were Grin

Dragongirl10 · 26/01/2018 16:19

ASk her to leave the housework, say you think it is unfair she is also doing the housework and just to concentrate on DCs

NotReadyToMove · 26/01/2018 16:23

The first thing that came through my mind was issue with coordination and becoming ‘older’ iyswim.

I wouldn't say anything but I would keep an eye in her on a health pov.

Mrsmadevans · 26/01/2018 16:26

I wonder if it is your DS doing the damage and your Dm /MIL don't want to say anything .......just putting it out there. l also think you are a very lucky girl who does not realise quite how lucky she really is and is verging on being a bit ungrateful . Sorry OP but you sound a little spoilt.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/01/2018 16:29

My first concern would be is my mum ok, that's a lot of breakages and as someone up thread said, does she need new glassses etc.

Brakebackcyclebot · 26/01/2018 16:29

They are 54 and 49? One is younger than my DH, the other is similar age to me. They are not old!

When DS is in school why don't they do something other than clean your house? How far away do they live? I assumed from your OP that DS was v young.

3timeslucky · 26/01/2018 16:29

Has she always been like this? If not I'd be wondering about what kind of health issue might be behind it. I'm in that age bracket (between 49 and 54) and I wouldn't think it was in any way normal to be damaging stuff like that.

So if it was my mum, and this type of thing was new, I'd be raising it as a concern about her health, not a concern about the stuff.

supersop60 · 26/01/2018 16:32

I had to re-read to check their ages. I assumed they were in their 70s.
Having no childcare worries IS invaluable, so either ask them not to do housework, or put away potentially breakable things. if your DM is getting more clumsy, perhaps she would benefit from a check up with a doctor.

whiskyowl · 26/01/2018 16:33

I am another one wondering if there is something wrong with your DM. That's a LOT of things to break in a short time. Over the course of 5 years, you'd say "Yeah, accidents happen". But she's knocking your stuff all over the place. That's not normal, and I'm tempted to think that there is a balance issue or a sight issue here.

I would raise it, not because of the stuff but because it's really unusual and a bit worrying.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2018 16:35

I would probably try to mum-proof my house as best I could by moving valuable or irreplaceable objects but otherwise say nothing other than to say (as PP above said) that doing housework wasn't necessary. Free childcare is worth a few broken tchotchkes.

If you think Mum is getting bored and that's why she's cleaning, could you possibly arrange a few 'outings' for during school hours? Movie ticket or massage, perhaps? Or leave her the money and ask her to do some shopping? Maybe run a load of wash (or three) and leave the folding undone where she'll see it? That should be a 'minimum damage' activity.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/01/2018 16:41

I'd have a chat with your mum and ask her if a) her eyesight is all right, b) her balance is all right and c) if perhaps she could stop doing housework for you as she's doing plenty just looking after your children.

But check on her health first.

ijustwannadance · 26/01/2018 16:45

Is there a mental health issue if your mum had to stop working part time at 44 though?
It almost sounds like the clumsiness is due to panic. Like kicking mop bucket in a rush for the door or moving sideboard too quickly causing something to fall off.

Delatron · 26/01/2018 16:45

My mum's like this. Every time she visits she breaks something, she is clothes etc. She's very lovely and helpful so I let it go. I go steer her away from laundry now though.

I think she's being so helpful you don't want to have a go. I would say to her to just focus on the childcare and not worry about mopping/cleaning/dusting. Other than that, hide valuables! Definitely say no to mopping or hide the bleach! She means well though.

Delatron · 26/01/2018 16:46

Shrinks clothes..

Ilovetolurk · 26/01/2018 16:48

OP this could be my DM

She would never admit to breaking/ruining anything

The only thing that sorted it out was when she finally gave up coming and I was able to buy myself the lovely new frying pan and iron I couldn't buy whilst she was here

Can you change the hours so she is not alone all day to wreak helpful havoc?

Pugsleypugs · 26/01/2018 16:49

I would just ask my DM not to do any chores other than childcare. If you don't want to actually say to her the real reason you could just mention that you feel terrible about how much she does for you and you want her to have a break.

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2018 16:52

Are you sure it’s an a goliwog she wants to knit and not just a ethnic doll? Maybe she’s thinking it might go to a ethnic family who would want a doll with their skin colour? I’m sure her attentions are probably good. Find her a pattern for a doll and she can knit it whatever colour she wishes.

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2018 16:52

Sorry wrong thread Blush

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2018 16:52

BrownTurkey and 5after5 had good ideas. Tell your mum you don't want to over work her. Get a cleaner in to do the housework. I would say firmly she is not to clean wooden floors with bleach.

Does your DS's school or another nearby school or nursery need any reading volunteer helpers? That might be something she would enjoy that would keep her busy.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 26/01/2018 16:53

They are both younger than me.
Why are they at the house when Ds is in school. I wouldn't want to hang out in your house all day I'd go home and come back in time to do school pick up.
Who drops off to school? If it's you then have them just go from their homes to the school and do pick up only.