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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To mention this to DM and DMIL?

78 replies

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 15:52

My MIL and DM help me out with childcare, 3 days per week. They are invaluable, and they make childcare the last thing that’s ever on my mind; I know my DS is safe with them and I love them both. They share the days between them. They also help me out by cleaning and ironing whilst I’m out; I’m so grateful!

However... more or less every other week, something gets broken. If it’s obvious (and I have to say, it’s always been my DM so far), they will tell me. For instance; 2 weeks ago, my mum knocked a picture off the wall mopping the floor (I have no idea) and broke it, smashing the frame. She also rushed to answer the door, and knocked over said mop bucket all over the floor and under a sideboard. She insists on mopping with bleach, so the wood is ever so slightly stained (not so you’d notice unless you looked close up!) and when she was pulling the sideboard out to dry up all the water, a plate slid off it and smashed. She obviously had to tell me about those things because it’s noticeable, and she apologised profusely and left a note. However, we’ve had clothes shrank in the dryer, cups and glasses smashed, and the wheels of drawers come off (like the dishwasher drawers) and just left for us to find. Just today, I was dusting and I picked up a photo frame and the whole thing had just been leant together so it all came apart in my hands! Some things (like the drawer wheels) are in easy fix, but it’s still frustrating to find.

I’m 99% sure it’s my DM; none of these things seem to happen when DMIL is here, but of course I can’t go round pointing fingers.

My question is; should I say something? It’s more frustrating that I’ll find things broken, rather than the things being broken themselves, iyswim. But both of them were severely abused by both first husbands respectively (mine and DH’s respective dads). So I don’t want anyone feeling like they’re being attacked.

Or should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 26/01/2018 16:54

I don't understand why they stay in your house during the day.
Surely they have their own stuff to do ?

RestlessLegKick · 26/01/2018 16:55

Aren't these the kinds of breakages that happen normally during the day to day living anyway though? Are you sure they're excessive? I know a lot of those things have happened to me in my own home and I know I wasn't being overly clumsy or that there's something wrong with me.

RestlessLegKick · 26/01/2018 16:57

should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

And yes, to this too. Be grateful for the bigger things and let the little things go.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 26/01/2018 16:57

I couldn't handle having them in my house all day when DC was at school, bleaching my floors Hmm.

throwawayagain · 26/01/2018 17:04

I would hide the bleach and start putting delicate washing in a different place. It's definitely time for damage limitation here!

As you say, it's very hard to say anything without upsetting DM. You have a great attitude to a very tricky situation.

I know a couple whose parents drove 70 miles to stay with them for half of the week. These parents bought their own food on the way, so there was little expense. They looked after their DC's, did school runs in their own car, did the household chores etc. This continued for at least 7 years.
The couple then decided to get a kitchen upgrade, and asked the parents to pay to replace the worktops with granite. They stated that it was only fair for replacing the work surfaces that they had damaged 'by not using the chopping boards correctly'. ShockShockShock

5foot5 · 26/01/2018 17:05

I should also say that our mothers are quite young; 54 and 49 respectively

and then...

my mum used to work at a post office until about 5 years ago a few days a week but she gave that up because she found it a bit much now which I can understand.

Shock A 55 yo here who still works full time spluttering in to her coffee!!!

starfishmummy · 26/01/2018 17:09

I.assumed they were older (at 49.I had a u yo of my own!!)

But I don't really understand why they are in your house while your child is at school; I guess I can understand why they get bored and clean and why you haven't stopped them doing it. But saying anything is likely to offend so I'd just go for the minimalist look and hide everything breakable away.

starfishmummy · 26/01/2018 17:09

Oops strikethrough fail

crackerjacket · 26/01/2018 17:26

My MIL and DM help me out with childcare, 3 days per week. They are invaluable, and they make childcare the last thing that’s ever on my mind; I know my DS is safe with them and I love them both. They share the days between them. They also help me out by cleaning and ironing whilst I’m out; I’m so grateful!

^Here's my right arm! Take it!!!

applesareredandgreen · 26/01/2018 17:27

Whatever you do please don’t ‘sit them down together and have a word with them’ (advice from a poster on the first page). How rude is that when they are offering you all this help! I do wonder, has your mom always been clumsy or is this recent? Only that this could be the start of a health concern. Otherwise, as others have said, I’d just emphasise to her how grateful you are that she is there to help and care for your
DC but she needn’t bother with the housework as well.

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 17:29

They both live around 30-45 minutes away and so they like to be nice and close to the school in case anything happens to DS and he needs picking up. They might stay the night one night too, if pleases them and we will have a nice dinner and talk together.

They live for their DGS. My GM looked after me a few times a week as a child, then the same happened on my husband’s side, and our GM’s would stay over and help out with housework and have dinner a few times a week too. It’s just them carrying it on i guess.

OP posts:
Ginnotgym · 26/01/2018 17:31

I would take her out for a lovely lunch, buy her a pressie to say a massive massive thank you, and gently deliver some suggestions around ('I'm ever so grateful mum but') type suggestions around going easy on the bleach.

And maybe discretely 'mum proof' my house a wee bit.

And thank my lucky stars!

2rebecca · 26/01/2018 17:33

People of a similar age to me living for their grandchildren isn't healthy. Sounds like they need to get real jobs and hobbies . If one of them isn't capable of even a part time job then is she capable of childminding? Childminding is a job. That's too much damage for me to let pass. I'd rather pay someone. I wouldn't want people in my house all day rummaging around any way.

ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 17:33

My mum has been quite clumsy since forever really, I don’t think I noticed it until now. I’m going to ask her to leave more to me and just relax and catch up on her reading (although I seriously doubt she will!)

It’s interesting what a few posters have said about anxiety; I know she has struggled with that (my dad was a fucker) and I’ve texted her and asked her to pop out to lunch with me next weekend and we’ll get our nails done. I’ll have a discreet probe and make sure she’s not having those feelings again, and encourage her to go to her GP if she needs to. Smile

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 26/01/2018 17:34

Cross post ginnotgym! Great minds Wink

OP posts:
raymonReddingtonsOtherdaughter · 26/01/2018 17:36

YABU 49 is very young LOL !! I have a 5 year old...

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/01/2018 17:39

Please don't mention it in front of you DMIL. They are not children.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 26/01/2018 17:45

Seriously your DM helps out with childcare, often, AND tidies and cleans your house and you're worried about a couple of frames?

I mean this in the nicest way. You don't know you're born.

rothbury · 26/01/2018 17:47

I thought it sounded like dyspraxia. There isn't any point in mentioning it - I am your DMs age and cannot help the trail of destruction I leave.

I work in education so I guess maybe it's more acceptable and I don't have a problem with anyone knowing about my issues. My DC would know that if they had me in their house for long, something would get broken or ruined or I would injure myself.

I agree with PP that the best thing to do is try to Mumproof the house and try to persuade her you don't need her to do housework. I really wouldn't complain though unless you have a very jokey relationship like I do with my DC. It sounds like she really enjoys looking after DC and that it's enjoyable for both of you. I wouldn't spoil it by pointing out what she probably already secretly knows (that she is a disaster zone) especially if that was something her ex used to complain about.....

Lemonnaise · 26/01/2018 18:36

Or should I just recognise that I’m in a very fortunate situation, replace things as and when and put up and shut up?

Yes I would do this^.

timshortfforthalia · 26/01/2018 18:45

Aw, shes just trying to help. And she is helping, massively. Id leave saying anything at all to be honest. The broken stuff is only stuff, your relationship with your dm and mil sounds fab and is far more important.

timshortfforthalia · 26/01/2018 18:47

Please don't ask her not to do the housework. That'd be a bit of a slap in the face.

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 18:50

Funny how one person thinks you are on thr verge of being ungrateful and sound spoilt. You don't come across like that at all OP. You sound extremely thankful.

ENormaSnob · 26/01/2018 18:51

Oh gawd...my gran does this. Lets herself in when we are all at work (no childcare as pay a childminder) but she does the ironing. So far she has destroyed 3 irons, numerous items of clothing, 2 kettles and left the gas on all day (after wiping the cooker top!) She just wants to help and I wouldn't dream of hurting her by pointing out her breakages.

I do not ask, nor expect, her help. She is a wonderful person and would be devastated to feel she had upset us or broken our things. My material goods are replaceable...grans feelings? Not so much!

WeAllHaveWings · 26/01/2018 18:59

You need to mum proof your house, put all breakables away and hide the bleach.

You are very fortunate to have pre/after school care, emergency contact while at school, I assume sickness cover if your dc are off school, cleaner, housekeeper and two dotting grannies all rolled into one (or two!)

It seems a shame she is bored during school hours, which is a long time on a regular basis, stuck in someone else’s house. Can you find something for her to do she might enjoy? Maybe crafts, somewhere local to visit. Treasure her and forget the breakages, in the grand scheme of things they are not important.