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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about dd looking down on us?

72 replies

YorkistJen · 25/01/2018 18:41

Dh and I both left school at 15/16 and aren't at all academic. I work as a cleaner, he works as a builder.

We have three dc - two older sons, and a younger daughter (5 year age gap between younger son & her). The boys arent academic, and went straight into apprenticeships after GCSEs, but dd has always been really clever. She got all A*s at GCSE and a levels and is now in her second year at Cambridge.

I've always had a feeling that she got irritated about us being less clever than her. We couldn't ever help her with homework and a lot of the time she ended up having to help her older brothers!

Now that she's at Cambridge, I'm starting to worry that she's embarrassed of us too - all her friends seem to have parents who are doctors, lawyers, bankers... She spent a few weeks of the summer holiday staying with one of her friends family in London so I suggested that she invites this friend to stay with us, but she kept on making excuses not too.

I know theres nothing I can do about it, but aibu to feel sad?

OP posts:

MavisPike · 25/01/2018 18:46

Don't be sad
Celebrate the fact that you have raised a strong independent daughter
You should be proud of your family , sounds like they are all doing well

itssquidstella · 25/01/2018 18:49

You are not u to feel sad. You may find that as she grows up a bit and becomes more comfortable in herself, she closes some of the distance between you (I speak as someone who went to Oxford from a not terribly posh background and spent four years distancing myself from my family, before I grew up and got over myself).

She may be finding Cambridge quite a contrast to her home environment, and she may be trying to fit in, but once she starts working and the playing field levels again, she’ll probably realise how lucky she is to have a loving and supportive family - which you must be if she was able to to do so well with you as parents!

bananagrabber · 25/01/2018 18:49

You write more intelligently than most MNers...
Sounds like a lovely family. Surely all teens/students are embarrassed about their parents for one reason or another, so I wouldn't worry.

NormHonal · 25/01/2018 18:51

If it helps, I was in a similar position to your daughter. I have never looked down on my parents. Her intelligence must come from somewhere, it's just that you have never had the opportunities in life that she has.

I felt sorry for my parents that they missed out on the opportunities I'd had, and grateful that they were able to support me when I had the chance.

When I was that age I had friends in London and took every excuse to be with them rather than at home. London is exciting!

You should indeed fell proud and continue to support her.

thornyhousewife · 25/01/2018 18:52

She'll be going through a big transition in her life at the moment. Put your feelings about inadequacy aside for now and do what you can to support her. Tell her how proud you are. Don't let on that you feel she is different from the rest of you.

kitchensinkmum · 25/01/2018 18:53

I think every child has moments of being embarrassed about their parents. You've done amazing well to raise this super academic young woman. When she's older she'll be really proud of you both and grateful for everything you've done for her.

GinnyJumperoo · 25/01/2018 18:53

Are you sure you aren't projecting a bit? Like worrying about it yourself so you think it's actually happening? I do that a lot.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 25/01/2018 18:53

My folks both left school at 15. They encouraged me, gently, to do my best and work hard. I got into an excellent university and they were nothing but proud of me. I never once felt ashamed of them, only gratitude for the kind and encouraging way they raised me.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 25/01/2018 18:55

Ooops, posted too soon. My DH (Oxbridge) loves them too, and was v v close to my DM before she died.

thecatfromjapan · 25/01/2018 18:55

Are you sure it's not in your head? It might be. I'd go a bit easy on her, she may well be finding it quite a shock to discover how much privilege there is in the world, and what inequality looks like close up. So don't add to that by projecting your own insecurities onto her.

Anyway, it sounds as though you're a happy, healthy family, so take pleasure int that, and I'm sure you'll all be fine.

KimmySchmidt1 · 25/01/2018 18:56

Somehow you’ve done an amazing job and her being super clever and achieving more than you is the whole point of having kids. Be proud of her and tell her so - she will no doubt go through a big headed phase but imagine the pressure she is under and the strength of personality she has to waltz into Cambridge with no chip and get along with everyone.

I went to a comprehensive school and then to Cambridge and neither of my parents were academic - but it do any happen by accident they were fantastic loving parents so be proud of yourselves and enjoy the amazing experiences she is having.

The more you enjoy her success and tell her how proud of her you are the more she will love and respect you for having your priorities right. It might take a couple of years for her to grow up and appreciate you but that is true of absolutely all teenagers!

Congratulations on your success!

constantlyseekinghappiness · 25/01/2018 18:59

I understand - although I’m the daughter in the scenario.

I’ve actually felt that my DM feels the same and has felt like this for years, feeling that I look down on her and other family.

I don’t at all. I am proud to have come from the background I have and I know I’ve had opportunities she herself never did.

Problem is, her having this opinion has actually put distance between us. As has her accusing me of having this attitude over the years (essentially accusing me of thinking I’m better than them). Again not true. But it’s damaged our relationship.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/01/2018 19:00

She's only young and she's just trying to fit in. It's more than likely that when she grows up she'll be very proud of you and thankful for all your support.

My parents don't have a GCSE between them. My mum was a cleaner, my dad was a collier, then a labourer and then worked in a factory, my sister worked in a factory and as a carer. I'm not as bright as your DD but I went to uni a long time ago when not many people did. I've got a masters and I've done really well in life. My parents are amazing, switched on, empathetic people. They have more innate intelligence than many people with a string of qualifications and I'm very proud of them.

FucksBizz · 25/01/2018 19:02

OP, I'm sure she isn't embarrassed of you. Nevertheless, I'm fully aware of what these environments can be like. I have two degrees from two different universities, both are which are very like Cambridge in student body and stupid bloody prestige. I remember having quite the culture shock when I first went to uni, my parents were a childminder and an electrician, and I'm embarrassed to say that I got rather caught up with that lifestyle and the expectations of it, and probably distanced myself from my family. But, this was in no way because I was embarrassed of them, but just because student life is fun and interesting, and it's great to be with people who are experiencing the same thing as you. As I got older and more jaded experienced I began to see through it, and when I went back to do my postgraduate degree in my mid twenties I was, and still am, incredibly proud of my working class roots and my family. This is a short period of her life, it won't last long.

It's great that your daughter is outgoing and clever. You should be very proud, but at the same time you're not being unreasonable to feel sad.

And remember, nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission

unicornfarts · 25/01/2018 19:04

so sorry you're feeling that way OP. As others have said, it's a massive time of transition and she's surrounded by a sea of new influences in which she has to find for herself what matters to her. I'm sure she will 'emotionally' return to you when she's grows up a little more, but I don't know how to make you feel better in the interim. I would feel really despondent in your shoes. But please know you must have done a wonderful job raising her for her to have this success so far.

EggsonHeads · 25/01/2018 19:04

YABVU. She's doing really well in life. Be happy for her.

museumum · 25/01/2018 19:06

I’m a bit like your daughter though not Cambridge and my parents are demonstrably intelligent but had “working class” jobs and no degrees due to their background.

I did not look down on anyone and my parents did not seem to think I did but other people from home did - friends of mine and friends of the family assumed I’d become up myself and superior. I ended up cutting all ties which is sad really.

Please be careful, being acused (even silently) of being a snob or a traitor to your roots is very hurtful.

Plumsofwrath · 25/01/2018 19:09

Well done to her for getting into Cambridge, fingers crossed she comes out of there with a degree she can put to good use.

Imo your job as a parent isn’t done yet. If she ends up a young adult who’s head is turned away from a solid work ethic, pride in her roots, family ties, respect for her parents who’ve raised their kids right... well, for all the Cambridge degrees in the world she may not be as great a success as her brothers. Basically, there’s more to being a good human being than a Cambridge degree.

It’s a difficult time for her. She’s working hard, finding her place in the world, figuring out who she is and where she wants to end up. She needs you by her side, solid and stalwart. Doesn’t matter that you and DH left school at 15/16 and are a cleaner and a builder. You don’t need a fancy degree to be decent people. You’ve clearly done well so far by your children; just keep going!

HairBlues · 25/01/2018 19:09

I would consider whether it's DD looking down on you or her trying to protect you from anyone else looking down on you.

If she's loving and pleasant with you then I wouldn't worry about the friends thing. Not everyone understands different backgrounds and it could be that she doesn't want anyone to judge you if they have come from possibly more limited/sheltered society.

I had a friend who went to Cambridge who thought that people from the North all live in terraced houses. What a cliche, but those people are out there.

There are some chumps out there who've done nothing but study and mingle with people in their exact social bracket.

semideponent · 25/01/2018 19:12

YANBU to feel sad that it feels like there's a gap right now, but I wouldn't conclude that she feels embarrassed by you. Some people cope with big changes by not looking back and just immersing themselves in a new situation. Maybe she's like that? She sounds ambitious. Her behaviour isn't very considerate of your feelings, of course, but that's fairly normal for her age group, I would have thought.

I also think that it's likely she needs your emotional support more than ever at the moment. I know from my own experience that I found it hard get emotional support from my Mum when I was in situations that she hadn't gone through herself (I was the first girl in my family to go to university and went to Oxford).

As Mavis says, I'd be proud of yourself and your family, and I'd go off and do something new yourself.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 25/01/2018 19:14

I agree with the posters who have said everyone finds their parents excruciatingly embarrassing when they are young!

And yes, she has gone into a very different environment, and may be cautious about highlighting the differences between her background and theirs. But as time goes on and she matures, she will come to appreciate that you gave her all the really important things.

As far as inviting uni friends to stay with your family, I never did that, and only went to stay with their families for specific reasons (or if they lived in New York) so I wouldn't read too much into that.

Milliways · 25/01/2018 19:14

My DD was the First in our family to get a degree, and she also went to Cambridge. I had the same doubts as you, but agreed with previous posters. As she has got older, and is now a Mum, we are very close- and whereas I could never help her with Homework beyond about Yr9 I can help with general life and childcare :)

HateTheDF · 25/01/2018 19:15

In a slightly different way my DP and I have had this issue with his family.

He's from a different background to me and he moved down south to be with me and they think he's embarrassed about his background and where he's from. He on the other hand isn't embarrassed at all, he's really proud at all he's managed to achieve. We don't get to see them as much as we'd like too because we're both really busy and don't have a lot of time spare.

What I'm trying to say is that he parents thought he was embarrassed and he really wasn't at all - quite the opposite. Your daughter is doing really well and like a PP said - London is really exciting. Maybe she just prefers going there right now, it doesn't mean she's embarrassed of you.

Sally52014 · 25/01/2018 19:16

Your daughter wouldn’t be where she is without you and your husband. You obviously did a fantastic job. Be proud of not only her but also yourself x

Ellisandra · 25/01/2018 19:16

Why has she "kept on" making excuses not to incite this friend to yours? Does that mean you've "kept on" suggesting it? If so - stop! She's an adult now - suggest it once then leave it.

I'd love to say that no of course she's not embarrassed. But - she's young, we all go through stuff trying to fit it, she might be feeling awkward about standing out. Although equally likely she's throwing her weight around among her friends about having no silver spoon!

We can't know, and to a certain extent, you can't.

I think a PP's advice not to let your own hang ups create something that isn't there. But if she is copping an attitude, I'd give it the treatment for now, whilst she finds her way.

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