to worry about dd looking down on us?

[YorkistJen]

Dh and I both left school at 15/16 and aren't at all academic. I work as a cleaner, he works as a builder.

We have three dc - two older sons, and a younger daughter (5 year age gap between younger son & her). The boys arent academic, and went straight into apprenticeships after GCSEs, but dd has always been really clever. She got all A*s at GCSE and a levels and is now in her second year at Cambridge.

I've always had a feeling that she got irritated about us being less clever than her. We couldn't ever help her with homework and a lot of the time she ended up having to help her older brothers!

Now that she's at Cambridge, I'm starting to worry that she's embarrassed of us too - all her friends seem to have parents who are doctors, lawyers, bankers... She spent a few weeks of the summer holiday staying with one of her friends family in London so I suggested that she invites this friend to stay with us, but she kept on making excuses not too.

I know theres nothing I can do about it, but aibu to feel sad?

I would say I was in a somewhat similar situation to your daughter. My parents aren't very academic and left school at young age to go into work (my dad into a trade and my mum has worked in factories all her life). After graduating from uni and getting my first grad job I was making more than my mum already. Flash forward a few years myself and dp have bought our first house, thats bigger than theirs and even now they are both retired, before they were retired i think i was making more than both parents (not combined).

I too worry that they think i'm being snobby or look down on them but I bloody love them to bits and would not change a single thing about them. They are my parents, the reason I am the person I am today, they raised me to succeed and be happy and are happy that I am happy. Please don't feel your daughter would look down on you, I'm sure she doesn't and if you have a good relationship with her I'm sure she would feel the same as I (worried that you thought she looked down on you).

Oh and regards to the friend staying over, I hated having friends staying over. Not because I was embarrassed of my parents / house, but more like my friends were too embarrassing / noisey / rowdy to stay hahah, and I hate people staying in my house anyway!

My mum and dad both only had a couple of O-levels between them. I know my mum wasn't even allowed to take the maths exam meanwhile I sat maths early and did further maths at A-level.

To be honest I never gave much thought to it, certainly never remember feeling embarrassed or similar.

Your post gave me shivers. I am so sorry she made you feel this way. But please, don't ever feel you're not enough. You both have decent jobs, you raised and supported 3 children and you are AMAZING. You are good parents. No matter what. And if she looks down on you..... she'll realise it.... sooner or later

Be proud of her. That's wonderful that she's doing something she enjoys that's completely different than anything anyone else in the family has done. There's no such thing as being qualitatively better just because you have more degrees (and a Cambridge degree is no guarantee of a job these days anyway). But she absolutely will not look down on you. I have not only an undergraduate degree from a good university, but also an MPhil and a PhD. I'm technically a Dr. Neither of my parents went to university (mum did a two year college course, though she did have a good professional job, this was back in the 70s when that was still possible without a degree though), my dad was a technician in basically a factory. The rest of my family is very working class, working on the assembly line, working at Burger King, carers, etc. I don't look down on them at all and I'm incredibly grateful they worked so hard to provide me with the education they did that allowed me to go to university and achieve so much. Your daughter is a product of you and all your efforts and nurturing and you should be very proud of that.

My parents were both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds and, both having left school at 12 to support non-coping widowed parents, were barely literate, and I went to Oxford. The fact that I didn’t invite friends home a lot in the vac was, as a previous poster said, nothing to do with me looking down on my parents — I loved and love them, and feel very protective of them — it was consciously protecting them from people from the other part of my life who, with the best intentions, would not have understood them, and whose assumptions about the world would have baffled and hurt them.

They are shy, retired people, whose worlds are very small, and coming into contact with relative privilege via my friends over the years has often caused them pain and self-recrimination, as they realised things that other people took for granted — help with homework, attending parents’ evenings, the possibility of going to university, or indeed any form FE or HE, or indeed anything other than working in a local shop, advice on school exam subjects and university applications, occasional financial help, a quiet place to do homework etc etc — had either never occurred to them, had seemed too intimidating or ‘not for the likes of us’, or simply hadn’t been possible.

I got straight A’s a good degree and work in senior management
My mum is from a council estates has no qualifications and worked has poorly paid jobs all her life.
She’s still the most amazing woman in the world to me.
Your Dd will remember the love and support you gave her not your IQ.

You have a clever daughter!
Is it nature? Ok. - your genes, so thanks!
Is it burture? You raised her - so well done!

Either way you have a lot to be proud of and can definitely raise some credit - and im sure she knows it.

Dh went to oxford and it waw very mixed, he says. Dont assume she's looking down on you - I hardly saw my parents while at BOG STANDARD uni - just too busy

Unlike me she can type a sentence in the right order though

But that isn't to say that children don't drift from their parents when they are university age and it may have nothing to do with class. I found my family a bit embarrassing when I was that age (well, I still do honestly, but I'm old enough now to know it's not as big a deal as I once thought). It was nothing to do with their education or social standing. It was just, well, it can be hard being in your late teens/early 20s and trying to forge a path on your own and hold on to family ties. I didn't bring my friends around home either. But it wasn't because my family wasn't good enough. Just that I wanted to live my own life and my home life and my adult life didn't always mesh well.

Perhaps you need a new focus OP? Your DD is on track at the moment, how about a new project. Her brains won't have come out of nowhere and you write really well. Maybe embarking on some study or retraining yourself could give you and your girl an opportunity to reconnect?

Do you know, I think this happens quite a lot, but fortunately for most people is a short term experience.

Going off to a good uni and mixing with lots of bright and probably affluent young people, can turn the head of many a teenager. They get caught up in the new world and the new people and things and lifestyles they haven't known before and it can all seem glamorous and home and the people in it rather dull. I think it's quite common and teenagers don't always have the tact to hide it or be aware it's hurtful.

For most, it will be a phase and they will realise the value of their homes and family nap d the role you have played in where they are today. You were supportive and it's that which helped her be successful.

Re having the friend to stay, don't push it too much. If she really doesn't want to invite someone, she doesn't. Pushing it won't achieve much. Perhaps at some point, when everyone's in a good mood, you could explain a little of how you feel - not in a critical or upset way, but gently. She's a bright girl and I expect it will quickly resonate with her.

Sorry you're feeling this now. I can see is hard, even if you might be being hyper sensitive to it.

It's not exactly the same but my dad was a CoS minister and I was embarrassed by it because, well, teenagers can be funny about religion. I used to lie to people and sat he was a civil engineer

Posted too soon.

He then died when I was 13 and it's only been since then that I appreciated his career etc. I think it'll just be a teenage thing. I wouldn't worry.

I agree with a pp. intelligence is genetic she inherited it from you! I think you getting a degree of your own is a great idea as well. go for it!

I think you need to be gentle with her. She may feel caught between two 'worlds'. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love and appreciate you.

It's difficult being in your daughters position - I know because I have been in her shoes and lead a very different life to my parents, siblings and relatives. Likewise my husband who was the free school meals kid made good.

We are both very cautious about what we discuss with family as even the most mundane thing can seem as if you're lording it over people. However, we both love our families and appreciate all the great things about them (not measured by salary, size of house, fanciness of car etc.).

Be very, very careful though. It’s likely, just from growing up and moving away, that she’ll develop new frames of references, interests and language or speech patterns. If it’s clear these make you feel uncomfortable then she’ll feel really alienated and it will drive a huge wedge between you. Avoid reverse snobbery at all costs - she loves you, she won’t look down on you. Make sure you don’t to the same to her.

I am from solidly working class background and went on to do a high status professional degree. I remember being over-whelmed that my uni course was full of middle class people who had experiences I could only dream of ( skiing, overseas holidays ...)
My Dad was constantly accusing me of being above myself and a snob - like every day - it was awful and destroyed my relationship with him and my mental health for a long time. I absolutely am no snob and will defend my values to the hilt. In reality at that stage I was struggling to define myself in 2 different environments.
Please be kind to your daughter.
Congratulations on raising a bunch of wonderful children ( in reality those who do apprenticeships can have more earning power than any fancy degree!)

You are getting intelligence confused with academic success. You are obviously intelligent, having a degree from Cambridge doesn’t make someone more intelligent than you. You need to have some confidence and faith in your own abilities.

It’s too early to call her a success. She’s only in her second year! I know plenty of third class oxbridgers on the dole - the best thing to do is just be yourselves. Don’t change anything about yourselves to accomodate her insecurities or treat her differently to her brothers - if she doesn’t like it then tough.

Yes I agree with what people are saying, please be very accepting of her; don't tease her if she has changed and don't let your boys do it either. And don't take any new ways she adopts as a rejection of how you have raised her.

It is really hard, basically trying to fit in with two ways of life, always missing someone or something, always being apart from one part of your life that you care about.

And even though I've been to uni myself, it's easy to forget what it's like being a student and be a bit miffed that the kids don't come home from uni that often, or not for very long, or they go out with their mates loads when they are home. Us mums just have to suck it up sometimes.

^^ what they all said. Some excellent advice on here OP. Be proud of your daughter and proud of yourselves for the upbringing and support you’ve given her. Don’t let some imagined intellectual or reverse snobbery affect your relationship. She probably just had a great time in London and would rather do that than have friends to stay. Stop worrying!

Hi OP-I mean this kindly but please don't let your DD know you have these fears. I also went to Cambridge and when my mother said something along these lines (not that I am suggesting that you would!) it really broke my heart. I was so sad that she could think like that, and tbh it didn't show much faith in me as a person!

I am sure that your daughter is extremely proud of you. She will know lots of people whose parents were 'successful' in academic and professional terms, but really didn't do a great job when it came to love and support. Trust your DD and her ability to see what really matters in life.