to worry about dd looking down on us?

[YorkistJen]

Dh and I both left school at 15/16 and aren't at all academic. I work as a cleaner, he works as a builder.

We have three dc - two older sons, and a younger daughter (5 year age gap between younger son & her). The boys arent academic, and went straight into apprenticeships after GCSEs, but dd has always been really clever. She got all A*s at GCSE and a levels and is now in her second year at Cambridge.

I've always had a feeling that she got irritated about us being less clever than her. We couldn't ever help her with homework and a lot of the time she ended up having to help her older brothers!

Now that she's at Cambridge, I'm starting to worry that she's embarrassed of us too - all her friends seem to have parents who are doctors, lawyers, bankers... She spent a few weeks of the summer holiday staying with one of her friends family in London so I suggested that she invites this friend to stay with us, but she kept on making excuses not too.

I know theres nothing I can do about it, but aibu to feel sad?

Tbh I think real success is measured on how you are as a human being. You can have a highflying career and be a complete lonely arsehole or someone that is a decent well liked human being.

I’ve taught at a private school and seen some kids that already looked down their noses at children perceived to have less than them. My dd (5) also goes to a private school and how we act and contribute to society is something that’s actually more discussed ( between her and I ) than her reading, writing ect..

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

I can only really second what LunaTheCat said. I went from a very working class background to a university where I was surrounded by privilege I had never dreamed of before. Making that transition is very difficult and you spend the rest of your life trying to fit in to two very different environments. My parents have accused me in the past of looking down on them, which has been very hurtful (and is untrue). With hindsight I think it comes from their insecurity rather than any real issues. It continues from time to time even 20 years later, but I have learned to change the subject and not engage in that conversation. I would also be very sensitive to her not bringing home any friends at the moment. I came across some awful snobbery at university, e.g. sneering at miners (without realising that this was my family background), poking fun at people who go on caravan holidays (which was all my parents could afford) and just generally referring to people like my family as “chavs”. I eventually distanced myself from these people, but I didn’t have that sort of confidence in the early university years.

I am sure that your daughter is proud of you. Just give her time to adapt to her new life.

Nothing to add to all the wisdom above other than you sound absolutely lovely. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

Well put Norm . I agree .

I know my DSis feels a bit like you. She's been a single parent for years, lives in a rented flat in Glasgow, and is a support worker for children with disabilities. Her son is now in third year at Oxford doing PPE. Whilst being incredibly proud of him, I know she worries about the gap between his life at university, and his life at home. I saw him over the Christmas holidays, he's a fine young man, and I really don't think he 'looks down' on his mum at all. More like, he's having life experiences which are so far removed from anything that any of us ordinary folk have ever had, and we struggle to identify with. His horizons are much wider, his understanding of world politics much more intellectual - so I think the difference is just more glaring for now, and will take time for us to get used to.

I would consider whether it's DD looking down on you or her trying to protect you from anyone else looking down on you.

^ This. I was your daughter in this scenario. It's very difficult going from one end to the other - I felt that I didn't fit in with either world, so I kept them very separate. Please don't make her feel bad if some of her "new world" crosses over into yours - be it in having new speech patterns, having new interests, or whatever.

You do sound lovely - she will be proud of you really -and will be able to show it better when she is older.

The world she is in is different - not better. It is hard to bring different worlds together unless you are very confident. Luckily you get more confident with age.

I hope OP is finding this useful. Some of the experiences people are sharing on this thread are really moving.

My dad had no qualifications beyond O levels; my mum had a couple of A levels. I was a straight-A student and went to Oxford, the first in my family to go to uni. The only feelings I've ever had for my parents are love and respect. They taught me what it means to be a good person, which is far more important than educational attainment or career success, and I strive (and fail) to live up to their standards in that respect.

My DM's parents left school at 12 and worked their whole lives. All three of their children were university educated, so were all their Grandchildren. Never in my life would any of us looked down on them, in fact I'd give 5 years of my own life just to spend another week with them, both dead now.
I think you're projecting too many of your own fears. Your DD is probably just so busy exploring the whole new world.

Dh had this. Sadly there is some reverse snobbery "it's alright for you" type comments from the in laws. So be really careful not to put that across.

How can you lack respect for the people who sacrificed to raise you as best they could? My mother was a cleaner and she taught me to have respect for everyone no matter what their job. I went to university and worked in a professional environment, and I was the only one in the office who treated the cleaner with respect and spoke to her as an equal. I still judge people based on how they treat cleaners, waiters, etc.

As the only child of a milkman and a SAHM, then "housewife", I was sent to private school with the help of a beneficiary and a scholarship. I was frequently sneered at by classmates with parents who were all doctors, lawyers etc. It was embarrassing at the time, particularly in language lessons where we'd be asked in French /German/ Latin what our parents did for work and everyone would take pleasure in mocking the milkman. I resented my Dad for being "thick" and I resented my mother for not trying hard enough in life. I was jealous of everyone else's holidays, houses and money and was mocked for my house, clothes and the area I lived in.

I could have gone either way. Thank goodness, I realised by the time I was about 15 that my parents were wonderful, kind, caring people and that mostly, the parents of the children I went to school with weren't, with few exceptions. That's all that matters to me now - not money or possessions or jobs, but the fact that they're still ther for me no matter what, they adore my daughter and they're amazing people.

If she's anything like I was and does feel embarrassed, I'm sure she'll get over it soon enough when she realises life isn't measured by money.

She's of an age where she can go out and see many new things...she's probably having a fine old time at her friends house...why would she want to spend time somewhere she's seen 1000 times before?
I don't think it's a case if her looking down on you, just taking up opportunities to see knew things and wondering why the hell you think her new friends would want to see her boring hometown

You're her parents. You have raised to be clever, independent and successful academically. She has so much to be grateful to you for, but I bet you never ask for gratitude or actually want it. You love her, and your love has created a strong clever woman sho has got all the way to Cambridge.

I bet she loves you fiercely.

I have a daughter at Cambridge. She's one of the privileged ones, because DH and I both went there too. But I was the first in my family to go to university; my grandmother was a cleaner, my grandfather on the other side a baker, and a generation further back they were miners. I'm very middle class, but not for a moment would I, or I hope my children, feel anything but empathy for your family, because mine went through the same process, just longer ago. Not everyone with privilege themselves comes from a long line of toffs with monocles

Your daughter has the oppurtunities she has because of you. Late DH grew up on a council estate the son of a refugee and manual worker. He and his many siblings grew up to be very high achievers and successful. They adore their parents and are very grounded. Their parents have now died but they were in their words were the 'centre of their world'. More importantly, they did not only make sacrifices in order to ensure their children reached their full potential, they raised people full of love, empathy and a sense of family. Which is more than my very academic, upper middle class and emotionally retarded parents managed. Your children's achievements are to some extent their own without but a supportive, loving and stable upbringing they would have been much less likely. Be very proud, the hardest job in the world is being a parent!

Sorry did not proof read but basically what jux said!

Don't fret OP. I am considered " clever," and "academic" and in a senior position in research/ academia. I was recently ask to do a talk at an event celebrating success at the university. My first side was a picture of my dad who left school at 14 to work down a coal.mine for near 40 years until they closed the mines and threw him on the scrap heap. I spoke about privilege and lack of and how unidimensional society is when it comes to " success,". I was one of the few speaking who hasn't been an MP, won an OBE etc. But I got a really strong response with lots of applause. Regarding background it's the old adage - People who care don't matter and people who matter don't care (about your background)

Thank you for your kind words everyone

I know she does love us and I'm sure your all right that its just an adjustment period.

I think I probably am projecting my own feelings onto her. London is definitely more exciting than our little Yorkshire town!

I think I'm perhaps struggling with it more because she's the only one out of her group of school friends whose left Yorkshire - the two of her friends that went to uni are both in Leeds and the rest are still living at home working.

She's also talking about wanting to do the civil service fast stream after Cambridge (she studies HSPS) so she's going to be down south for the foreseeable future.

You sound lovely OP. I happen to work in a job with young people who for lots of reasons (none of them of their own making) are unlikely to meet their full potential. I was talking to a college the other day about his own teen DD who happens to have parents who care enough to put down boundaries at odds with the way some of her friends are parented. So the usual cries of unfairness and the dilemma of a parent when faced with other people's parenting, all done from a place of love and care. I remember saying to him that it is the old saying 'roots and wings' which he had never heard. Trite but true. As a parent all you can hope for, as they reach adulthood, is in the work in you did when they were young . Developing strong roots that gives them the wings to do well in life and be able make make good judgements. Terrifying growing these little people into adults then letting go!

Congratulations on raising such a clever and motivated daughter!

I’m sure she’s not embarrassed by you, she probably just prefers to keep these two very different worlds separate for your sake as well as for hers.