Who has the moral responsibility to pay?

[HaggisMcNeepyFace]

When our au pair first started with us last summer, she scraped the side of the car on the way to a night out. She showed us the next day and I could only see a couple of little scratches so I said it was okay.

Fast forward to now, and what I didn't realise is that the whole wing is slightly fallen off and the bit around the wheel has been crushed. I took it to the garage and have an estimate for £200 repair job. I just told the au pair and she didn't apologise or offer to contribute towards it.

So as not too drip feed, we're not a rich family. The au pair is paid 400 per month and earns about another 300 babysitting for other families; she has no expenses as we provide all food, lodging, car and petrol. She eats better than we do as I miscalculated the food budget at the beginning of her contract so she's eating lots of fresh meat and fruits etc whilst we largely make do with sandwiches, pasta and tins with meat being strictly rationed!! Anyway, that's nothing to do with the situation at hand but I do think it colours my view of the whole thing.

AIBU in thinking she should at least offer to contribute towards the repair bill?

yeah, I totally don't get the food thing. I'd say it's considerably less U to say "I miscalculated the food budget, we can go back to eating together or here's how much you can have from next month" (and don't understand the 'eat fast' bit - can you divide out portions ahead of time and freeze away leftovers and what not before the meal - is she just eating huge amounts and taking seconds or what?) than to ask for money for the car scratch which you said was fine at the time.

The garage guy couldn't possibly have pointed to a tiny scratch made months ago and said that's what caused the damage
I'd be utterly amazed if there was any link at all.

We eat together sometimes but she goes out most evenings and eats as soon as I'm back in the door from work, so I wouldn't have time to cook.

The food situation, she was snacking on a whole packet of meat at a time, all the fresh food etc (She's very sporty) so when it came to mealtime there often wasn't much left.

It's all my fault. I've managed it badly and will know better next time. I do admit I'm jealous of her food, but she does a good job and 99% of the time that's what I remind myself when the situation gets to me.

It is unfortunate but not sure you can do anything about the car.

I think you need to address the food though. She should be eating with you and the same as you. Surely it is be cheaper to cook more of the same, inexpensive meals than give her a separate (sizeable) budget. Make sure there are inexpensive snacks available too (big bags of apples, bread & sandwich fillings etc). If she wants more (unreasonably more than the other adults in the house eat) she can buy it herself. Explain to her that you can't afford the separate food budget.

What are your kids eating?

It isn't ok to snack on a whole packet of meat though if that was allocated to another meal! You just need to say that. Maybe lay out the meal plan for the week so it is clear which items are ingredients for a family meal and which are OK to snack on.

Just say. Sorry, we are going yo have to look at the food budget. Can you eat with us and I will give you £10pwk for snacks.

I do admit I'm jealous of her food

I think that must really grate. I don't think I am nice enough not to foster a growing resentment of someone eating better than me in my own home.

You can't afford an au pair

Thanks It's all my own fault and I don't want to do anything that might upset her as she's great with DC. The contract runs for another six months, I can cope til then as can we all, and them next time I'll budget better!

OP, whilst it's your responsibility to feed her, you are perfectly entitled to mark some items that must be kept for diner! As long as she entitled to your diner too, obviously. Keep her portion for her to eat the following day, give her access to enough food to make herself a meal, but she doesn't have to empty your fridge either. treat her like you would treat your own children regarding the food.

Becotide, I think you've got the nail on the head there Thankfully the car loan will be finished in autumn which will give us more to play With!

Surely she has to eat what you do? Or is 'fresh food' in her contract?

Regarding the car, it's too late now. Who insures it though? If it happens again, put it through the insurance, and she pays the excess.

Sounds like you've got a teenager rading your fridge..I've 3 of those...give her her own shelf in the cupboard and put her treats on it .tell her to stop eating all the fruit ,and tell her the food in the fridge is for the dinners...I have to say to my dc...enough,it's meals ,and some toast in between if your starving...fruit is for dessert here,not for snacking on.

is 'fresh food' in her contract?
fresh food is a reasonable requirement, you can't feed an au-pair with jacket potatoes and baked beans for a year

Sharing a healthy family meal is not unreasonable however!

Nothing to do with your question OP but from reading a few of these threads I think parents who use au pairs (so younger children) aren't used to how much food teenagers will scoff. Just think of it as a taste of what's to come haha

Surely the car is insured?

OP, change your mindset a little. We had au pairs when DS was at primary school purely for school drop offs and pick ups. They are family members and much like a much older sibling. They will eat you out of house and home and have expensive preferences. If your teenaged driving teen dinked your car would you make them pay for the car? I wouldn't if they really couldn't afford it. It's a trade off between you needing their assistance with some child care and welcoming them into the family. Forget the car and set some boundaries around food budget.

"fruit is for dessert here,not for snacking on"

That's one of the most depressing things I've ever read on the subject of children and food.

"fruit is for dessert here,not for snacking on"
depressing indeed!

There's no way anyone could guess that, my kids have unlimited access to fruits and veg for snacks, it's everything else that's limited!

In the au pair's shoes I would feel no moral responsibility to pay, mostly because I fail to see how you both could've failed to see a crushed arch and hanging-off wing when you inspected the scratches. And unless your mechanic has some kind of reverse crystal ball, neither can he.

She acted completely responsibly and honestly in telling you about the scratches right away. You sound a bit of a tit talking about her "moral compass" based on one small decision she made.

To be honest if one of the main perks of my job was free food I’d expect decent food too! You can’t afford her.

There's no way anyone could guess that, my kids have unlimited access to fruits and veg for snacks, it's everything else that's limited!

Here too. The response to "I'm hungry," between meals is always, "have some fruit."

Is 400 a month all an au pair costs? I didn't know that.

That's her salary, but there's tax and insurance, food and car on top of that. I pay about 900 per month, and wasn't expecting anywhere near as much! I feel bad for her in a way as all her au pair friends live with rich families in amazing houses, and she's stuck with us in a small semi with a good budget! She's pretty near London though with four days off a week so I hope that makes up for it

I agree with the last poster. Forget the car- too much time has passed - and set boundaries about food. We had au pairs for years and you just have to be clear about what is for lunches, snacks and what is for making the dinner.

We had a couple who were gym bunnies (a male one in particular) and to be fair I think that if people want to eat way more than the norm or loads of extra protein they might have to pay for some of it.

Also saying "make yourself at home" works both ways. It's fair to expect an au pair to act like a bill payer would do - being reasonable about not leaving lights on, jacking the heating up to tropical etc and making food last till the next shop!