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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has the moral responsibility to pay?

88 replies

HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:15

When our au pair first started with us last summer, she scraped the side of the car on the way to a night out. She showed us the next day and I could only see a couple of little scratches so I said it was okay.

Fast forward to now, and what I didn't realise is that the whole wing is slightly fallen off and the bit around the wheel has been crushed. I took it to the garage and have an estimate for £200 repair job. I just told the au pair and she didn't apologise or offer to contribute towards it.

So as not too drip feed, we're not a rich family. The au pair is paid 400 per month and earns about another 300 babysitting for other families; she has no expenses as we provide all food, lodging, car and petrol. She eats better than we do as I miscalculated the food budget at the beginning of her contract so she's eating lots of fresh meat and fruits etc whilst we largely make do with sandwiches, pasta and tins with meat being strictly rationed!! Anyway, that's nothing to do with the situation at hand but I do think it colours my view of the whole thing.

AIBU in thinking she should at least offer to contribute towards the repair bill?

OP posts:
Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:34

I like her. I wouldn't be friends with her as our moral compasses are set differently, but she works well and is friendly and I try to treat her fairly (hence posting on her about the situation rather than asking her to contribute!)

OP posts:
EggsonHeads · 24/01/2018 16:35

I think that you just need to find someone else and plan Dina ially a bit better.

EggsonHeads · 24/01/2018 16:35

*financially

restbiterepeat · 24/01/2018 16:37

our moral compasses are set differently

Is this a dig over the car or something else?

Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:39

Rest - Nothing to do with the car; she was upfront about that and neither of us thought there was any damage. I do think the way she treated that guy was dubious and I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. It's not a dig, it's just my opinion.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 24/01/2018 16:40

It is a dig and it’s judgemental. Why do you know so much about her personal life?

Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:42

Because she tells me about it. I don't ask, baying asking her if she's had a nice day or weekend about it.

Boy, you're really getting your pound of flesh out of me today aren't you?!

OP posts:
Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:42

*beyond

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 24/01/2018 16:42

How long is she with you,could you sit down wiht her and see hw its going.Iron out any problems.But wiht regards tot eh car,you cant ask her now for that money

underneaththeash · 24/01/2018 16:43

Cars do get scratched sometimes, we've never asked our au pairs to pay for damage, although they have always been very apologetic. I did have to say to our last au pair who damaged the car that she would have to pay next time if she still wanted to use it for her leisure use.

taskmaster · 24/01/2018 16:43

You're not meant to be a boss with an aupair.

You can't ask her to pay fotr something from 8 months ago.

Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:43

I'm confused though - if you are not allowed to decide whether or not you would be friends with a person based on their behaviour, does that mean you have to be friends with everyone or you're being judgemental?

OP posts:
Jux · 24/01/2018 16:44

I just don't understand the food situation. She ate so fast..... so she's gobbled up her plateful of the lunch/dinner/whatever meal while you're all still eating. She asks for seconds? She helps herself from dishes on the table? She goes and cooks more meat and eats that too?

How do you have a separate budget? She prepares her own food and eats separately?

Can't you just combine budgets and share meals, ie, she sits and eats with you and has what she's given?

Coconutspongexo · 24/01/2018 16:45

No but your comments about her personal life are quite judgemental. The moral compass comment comes across as catty

Jux · 24/01/2018 16:45

You can switch to family meals by telling her that research has shown this is better for children and helps create strong bonds if the whole family sits and eats together. It's true, anyway.

restbiterepeat · 24/01/2018 16:45

Meh, it's nothing to me. It just sounds like things have become very tense between you. You keep using 'moral' - "is this moral?" in the op and talk of moral compasses later, it just sounds like a bit of a car crash waiting to happen.

Original poster
HaggisMcNeepyFace · 24/01/2018 16:47

Okay I'll take that. I was just trying to avoid dripfeeding. Rephrasing- she bust the car, I didn't realise at the time, AIBU to hope for a contribution to the bill? Yes I am, okay thanks I won't ask her then.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 24/01/2018 16:48

The car, I don't think you can do anything about. Even if you realised at the time, it's kind of standard practice for an au pair to damage a car. Or seems to be around here.
Food - I know you didn't ask but you are within your rights to change her budget, maybe she uses some of her wages to buy the meat.

ShastaTrinity · 24/01/2018 16:49

Your post about financial situation is completely unreasonable. It's not her problem what your finances are, you are her employer, and you both agree on her "salary"

If your boss was coming back telling you he "miscalculated" your salary and you are earning more than him, would that be your problem? No. £400 + food + board is not much - perfectly reasonable for an au-pair, but it's not a huge amount. You should be eating the same, the whole set up is bizarre.

You can't even blame her for earning more by doing work on the side if that's not intruding on her working hours for you.

She should absolutely have apologised for the scratches, but as you also only saw couple of little scratches she had no reason to guess there was a bigger problem, you both were looking at the same thing!
I agree with above, it's a bit too late now, sorry.

Be careful about not being resentful about what little money your au-pair earn, you are the one who employed her in the first place, she is not abusing you at all.

Nicknacky · 24/01/2018 16:50

Are you wanting her to pay the full repair bill or the excess of your insurance?

MissionItsPossible · 24/01/2018 16:51

She is a nice girl and we have a good relationship,

You've created a thread and called her greedy and manipulative!

Eliza9917 · 24/01/2018 16:52

there was a guy she was seeing for a while and she told me she didn't like him but she was waiting til he'd taken her to this gig she really wanted to go to before ditching him. I feel she's doing the same to us!

Give her her notice then!

MonumentalAlabaster · 24/01/2018 16:53

the whole wing is slightly fallen off and the bit around the wheel has been crushed

This sounds more major than the scratches so how can you not have noticed at the time of the incident last summer? It may well have happened since. You've only got the word of the bloke at the garage to say it's connected to the scratches and that's just an opinion - he can't be certain. I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Julie8008 · 24/01/2018 16:55

As her employer you have provided her a car, insured it and allowed her to use it for personal reasons. Any damage (and the excess) is therefore the responsibility of the employer.

In future you might want to consider restricting use of the car to business only. Or include in the contract that they are responsible for any excess when damaged during personal use.

You live and learn.

Eliza9917 · 24/01/2018 16:55

HaggisMcNeepyFace Wed 24-Jan-18 16:34:42
I like her. I wouldn't be friends with her as our moral compasses are set differently

Why are you letting her look after your kids then?

Do you work? i.e. do you really need her?

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