AIBU just not to go

[Bringsusbacktodo]

SIL is getting married in a few months and she and MIL are in the middle of all the excitement and preparations. MIL is running the show and getting the wedding she thought DH and I should have had.

DH and I got married over a year ago, SIL was one of our bridesmaids - she was a (28yo!) brat! She and her Mum made the whole thing a memory I'd rather forget.

We didn't have a lavish wedding but all MIL could talk about was how much things cost (she didn't pay for anything - we did) over 3/4 of the guest list was DH's family but she pushed for me to cut guests to bring costs down because 'my side were just friends' (No I didn't and I'm reminded that I didn't on a regular basis!)

My other BM tried to organise my hen do as a surprise but despite being told that several times MIL took it upon herself to tell me the details.

MIL blanked me on the day too and on the day after told DH to leave the her house and not come back. He went after her and sorted it out.

Things haven't got much better since (with me at least - with DH it's fine, he runs after them, texts every day, updates on everything we're doing and says they are his family and that's it)

Christmas this year was awful (I cried every day for a week because of them being cruel and petty - not proud of that! I have a backbone in everything else I swear!)

It's over a year ago but everything that happened still hurts (stupidly I know - not happy with myself for letting it!) maybe more so because I lost my Mum pretty young (20+ years ago)

I can't bring myself to get involved in all the prep for SILs 'Big Day', the thought of going on her hen weekend is nauseating! We are very different people.

I'll go to the wedding because DH wants me to but AIBU or AIB petty just not to go to the hen or get involved in the run up?

Does you husband never defend you? Wtf is he playing at!

Appear at the wedding and that's it.

Life is too short. Don't go. You don't owe your husband any favours as he is throwing you under a bus to please mummy.

Your MIL ignored you on your wedding day and picked a fight with her son the day after?? I think that’s pretty unforgivable...

What happened at Christmas?? What does your DH do when all this conflict is happening?

I think you have a bigger problem that just your SIL’s wedding!!

Your husbands a spineless prick.

Find yourself a nice fancy white, shiny, lacy dress.
Full length.
Wear it to the wedding.
Smile and wave!!
Do NOT go on the hen weekend.

Your DH is a spineless wanker, by the way!

Posted too soon.
Tell him to sort his shit out.
He hasn’t got your back at all!

You cried for a week because of them, and your DH is still running around after them? Is he not listening to you and taking your feelings seriously?

Does you husband never defend you?

He did months ago - telling MIL/SIL that he wasn't happy about the way they had treated me - they denied the blanking and other things and said it was me that had the problem.

Now he says he can't control what they do and that it's between us to sort out any problems. If it's his issue he'll deal with it, if it's not then not.

Your MIL ignored you on your wedding day

Exactly. Even if I didnt like my sons choice of partner I would make an effort this is just plain rude, seriously who thinks this is normal behaviour?

Your DH needs to stand up for you - you’re supposed to be the most important person to him, with the whole ‘let no one put asunder’ the two of you joined in marriage. They’re doing some asundering and he’s letting them!

It sounds like your SIL is the Golden Child and your DH is the Scapegoat. Its not a healthy family dynamic.
It would worry me if my partner was so dependent on an unhealthy relationship that he couldn't stand up to them in defense of his wife and kids.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=Golden+Child+and+Scapegoat&oq=Golden+Child+and++Scapegoat&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l3.4028j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Again as is commonly said on here you have a DH problem. No, don't go to the hen, don;t get involved, and tbh I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I am sorry you've had such an awful experience. In answer to your aibu, not at all, none of my four sister in laws came to my hen do, for various reasons, we all get on and I certainly wasn't bothered by it - hadn't even thought about it until now actually!! Do what you feel comfortable with but honestly you need to have a conversation with your husband about how this is all making you feel as it's not suddenly going to go away. I really feel for you. Very difficult situation.

Go NC with the lot of them.
Tell DH he can visit and contact them but you want nothing more to do with them.
So then you've no need to go to the wedding or the hen do.
Sorted!
Please make a stand for yourself.
Your wimp of DH certainly won't do it for you.
If you don't have DC, I'd seriously consider your future with this wet mummy's boy!

You're not being unreasonable. In fact, I think you're being very sensible. I'd avoid them at every possible opportunity and tell hubby to start backing me up. He doesn't seem to have cut the apron strings.

So he tried to stand up for you, they gaslighted him and he fell for it straight away. Didn't try very hard did he?

Yep, DH problem. No spine. Do you have kids, and if not (but you're planning to) how do you think that'll pan out? Until he retrives his balls from MIL's purse and stands up for you properly, even if that means NC in the end, I wouldn't bring children into that.

This is the first time I've 'said all this out loud' and I am actually surprised at how much of a complete wimp I sound.

Of course you don’t have to go to the hens! To me it sounds like your dh has given you carte Blanche to tell them all to fuck off and they are never allowed anywhere near your house or any future children, which is what I would tell him. He might think it’s actually his problem after all.

@YouBetterWORK I've had the same thoughts. No kids, TTC but I actually can't imagine letting kids see their DF allowing his DM/DS be like this to me.

DH says his difficulty is that it's never anything major it's always really small petty stuff which builds up for me and washes over him (he's used to it). He says that I let things get to me and that MIL has always been thoughtless that's just her.

PP who said GoldenChild v Scapegoat hit the nail on the head.

I wouldn't go to the hen do. It's up to you whether you want to tell them that you don't want to attend and your reasons, or whether you just come up with an unmovable excuse (working, something you agreed to first, a weekend break you'd paid for already, etc).

Sometimes you have to do things to keep the peace, but if you know you're going to go on the hen weekend and be totally miserable, not included as an equal to everyone else there, then make your excuses now.

Don't go to the he do, and let them know why- don't make up an excuse just to keep the peace. No need to turn it into a confrontation, just state your concerns simply and do not engage further- with a bit of luck they will tell you not to bother going to the wedding, problem solved! I totally agree with the other posters- your husband needs to pull his head out of the sand. I appreciate that it is difficult when he is obviously used to his family being awful, but these situations do tend to spiral, and resentment builds. Don't underestimate the enormity of this- I really think you need to seek professional help in a neutral environment because feelings are running so high, neither of you seem to be able to reach a conclusion the other will be happy with.

DH says his difficulty is that it's never anything major it's always really small petty stuff which builds up for me and washes over him (he's used to it). He says that I let things get to me and that MIL has always been thoughtless that's just her
This is what my dh says about his parents , but after about 10 yrs of putting up with them I insisted he speak to them about the issues , he did and they didn’t speak to him for about a month and haven’t spoken to me for 20 yrs . Him having contact and me being NC has worked very well for us .

You are not a wimp op, but you do need to draw some red lines.
You do not have your own mother for support and your mil sounds truly awful.
Your dh needs to learn quickly where his priorities lie, he must do much more to defend you against his toxic family. He probably doesn't realise how bad they are ( and this is before you have had children)
Time to talk to him, you come first now or the marriage is totally doomed to failure.
The only way you will manage this is low contact/zero contact.
Definitely no hen do, and maybe not the wedding either. If you do go make sure it is the only thing you are involved in this year.