AIBU just not to go

[Bringsusbacktodo]

SIL is getting married in a few months and she and MIL are in the middle of all the excitement and preparations. MIL is running the show and getting the wedding she thought DH and I should have had.

DH and I got married over a year ago, SIL was one of our bridesmaids - she was a (28yo!) brat! She and her Mum made the whole thing a memory I'd rather forget.

We didn't have a lavish wedding but all MIL could talk about was how much things cost (she didn't pay for anything - we did) over 3/4 of the guest list was DH's family but she pushed for me to cut guests to bring costs down because 'my side were just friends' (No I didn't and I'm reminded that I didn't on a regular basis!)

My other BM tried to organise my hen do as a surprise but despite being told that several times MIL took it upon herself to tell me the details.

MIL blanked me on the day too and on the day after told DH to leave the her house and not come back. He went after her and sorted it out.

Things haven't got much better since (with me at least - with DH it's fine, he runs after them, texts every day, updates on everything we're doing and says they are his family and that's it)

Christmas this year was awful (I cried every day for a week because of them being cruel and petty - not proud of that! I have a backbone in everything else I swear!)

It's over a year ago but everything that happened still hurts (stupidly I know - not happy with myself for letting it!) maybe more so because I lost my Mum pretty young (20+ years ago)

I can't bring myself to get involved in all the prep for SILs 'Big Day', the thought of going on her hen weekend is nauseating! We are very different people.

I'll go to the wedding because DH wants me to but AIBU or AIB petty just not to go to the hen or get involved in the run up?

If you look up the definition of bullying it refers to habitual and repeated behaviour. This is from Wikipedia - Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behaviour is often repeated and habitual.
It is the small stuff that over time wears you down and sometimes something will just be that little thing that causes you (or someone) to snap.
As it's not happening to your DH, he doesn't see it as his problem to deal with. He just blanks it out or refuses to deal with the source of it - his mother and (probably by no fault of her own and more down to learned behaviour) his sister.
He needs, no must step up and deal with it once and for all. This could be the deal breaker between the two of you.

I agree it is serious because it undermines your marriage so badly ( and plays into her hands) he has to tell his mother to stop or he will not see her and mean every word.
If he hasn't got your back now and your relatively newly married he never will.
You can no way have children as things stand, does he understand this?
He needs to be a man, stand up to mummy and on his own two feet. He is far too invested in them.
It might be small things in his mind but that doesn't change the fact it is hurting you

Yes u don’t have to attend the hen do. Just a firm but polite, “no thanks, that’s not my idea of fun”

You may have to go to the wedding, but you don’t have to look like you’re enjoying yourself. You can dip out of the evening do early if you have migraines, horrible periods, get very tired and a bit emotional and leave DH to party on. (This works especially well if you have booked a hotel room)

Outside of this DH and I have a great relationship. Honest to god if it was anyone else who annoyed me he would be the first one in to battle and has been. His MIL/SIL is the only topic we ever argue about.

I don't have women in my family (no mum, no aunts, grandmothers etc) DH has a whole army of them. I'm thinking it's part of the problem that I don't know how to 'be'.

I have a group girlfriends and we're all pretty strong minded. Disagreements don't get petty and misunderstanding are dealt with and we move on - this doesn't happen with MIL/SIL anything I think is resolved seems to fester on their side.

This has been getting to me too long. GFs and I are scattered from USA to UAE Via UK and they've had babies and job and house moves to deal with over the last year so we don't talk as often as we'd like and I don't want always to be the one moaning. (I was for about a month and they stopped calling)

I wouldn't go to the hen do. I'd appear at the wedding looking as fabulous as I could and chat merrily to everyone and appear as though I was having a wonderful time. I would ignore MIL unless specifically approached by her, and would be civil but distant.

For the future, I would go as low contact with MIL & SIL as possible. I'd not go for Christmas. If you don't want to spark a full-on row about your withdrawing from them then come down with flu/stomach problems/D&V/gallstones at regular intervals and stay home with wine and box sets. And let your spineless DH deal with them.

Thanks everyone for your responses - reading them all but can't keep up!

Thank you for making me feel less like it's all down to me

I like that @RatherBeRiding I've been told that MIL/SIL have made less than flattering comments about me to friends and other family members - imho to excuse their own behaviour or explain why the Waltons are quite the Waltons since horrid little me came on the scene.

Turning up and being fabulous sits well with the me who's not feeling batter by this whole thing.

You have a DH problem.

And you know it's only going to get worse when you have children, don't you?

Great advice from Ratherberiding. If you let this affect your marriage you're playing right into your MiL's hands. That's precisely what she wants.

your mistake was turning up at your own wedding.

@user1474652148 @Floralnomad
Great points - thank you.

We're just about at the point of NC on my side already. I haven't seen or spoken to them in 3-4 weeks, but there's still the expectation to turn up for 'events'

Feel lighter reading this - I think I was expecting responses saying get over yourself, go, it's her day, you had yours etc etc

@taskmaster If it wasn't for the fact that my DH is the best thing that ever happened to me in every other way I'd agree with you.

Remember you are the best thing that ever happened to him too, and you deserve respect and kindness.

talk to dh and make sure he is on board with the trie consequences for your marriage

Go so low contact that you barely ever see them

Only way forward, and if that tummy bug keeps coming back there is not much you can is there. Dh can deal with it.

I wouldn’t go to the hen do. Sounds like it could be a complete misery for you. Just go to the wedding. Since they think things are your problem, say that you are trying to work on your confidence and assertiveness but for now would prefer to be with husband when around strong personalities. Also it is his problem - you are his wife and they are his unreasonable family.

Going LC/NC is better for my sanity.

Even if that means DH won't visit or help out my DD who's 80+ and on his own - I've looked after him since I was a teenager. (DH has cut down his visits any way since me not going to see MIL/FIL or ever visiting SIL)

Your husband sounds a right twat. Punishing you by not seeing/helping your father.

Don't have kids with this gobshite. The in-laws will still slag you off in front of your kids and your husband won't say anything to defend you.

My DH would go ape shit if any of his family members disrespected me. Same for me the other way around.

Wake up love.

Is your Dad rude and unpleasant to your husband?

If not, then his decision to play that sort of nasty came reflects very poorly on him.

He has his relationship with them, you have yours, and you have one as a couple.

If you never saw them again he could continue to spend time with them. He did so before you got together.

You don't owe it to him to put up with this absolute bullshit. Actually, he owes you not to put up with it and to stick up for his wife. He's being really pathetic and it's not a good look. If nothing changes, your hot and resentment at his behaviour will eat away at your marriage and you'll lose respect for him.

If you haven't heard of it, please read Toxic Inlaws. It'll give you tools to protect yourself.

Don't go to hen do. Don't see them if you don't want to. Tell your husband that his relationship with them is his business but you don't want him sharing all the details of your life with them. Messages every day?! To say what? "Today we had cereal for breakfast, not sure about tomorrow, how's the weather where you are?"

there's still the expectation to turn up for 'events' So? You don't work for them. You don't like them. They sound awful!

You are worth a lot more than being expected to put up with being bullied. And you deserve a husband who stands up for you.

Can you really not see how unhealthy this is, and how many problems you are setting yourself up for? And it will only get a million percent worse if you have children- you will be pulled in completely opposite directions. If you don't want them to win, you both need to speak to someone- I know from bitter experience how closed/defensive people can be when talk turns to family.

(DH has cut down his visits any way since me not going to see MIL/FIL or ever visiting SIL) Until you posted that I was going to tell you that your DH has been trained for the whole of his life to accept his place in the family dynamic. That you just need to be honest with him, you don't like having to cope with all the snide remarks, that you will go to the wedding and other very public events, but not Sunday lunches, any soirees or the hen do.

But after you posted that I have changed my mind. Unless your DD has been rude to your DH then you need to tell your DH that he is a sad little man, to sideline an elderly man because his own family are rude is just nasty! Ask him why? Really... ask him why he has done that and why he feels that you have to put up with his DM and Dsis?

Tell him plainly that you can understand his inability to change them, you can even sort of see why he won't (not can't, but has chosen not to) support you when they are nasty, but that his treatment of your DD is beyond you, is hurtful and does not reflect well on him.

I had to push my DH very very hard before he could see that his family dynamic meant he acted very poorly sometimes. He denied it, got angry, got very very sad, angry again but now, years on, he understands and is very supportive on the very rare occasions we have to do the duty calls (extremely rare, 17 years NC, so far).

Good luck. Set your boundaries, don't be scared to hurt his feelings by being honest, you have to work through this together.

That is such a brilliant post @CuriousaboutSamphire

OP, people have walked this path before you, listen to their advice and you might be able to avoid some of what they went through

Sadly I wasn't as brave or clued up in my teens an twenties. I put up with a lot of utter crap. I'd might have cut it short if t'internet, let alone mumsnet, had existed, and been publicly accessible, way back then

I'm listening @AnneLovesGilbert

@CuriousaboutSamphire Conditioned was the way I saw/see it.

There's just so much hurt flying around and DH equates things which I don't think he should either.

Advice heard.

Your DH needs to grow some testicles and defend his wife. Okay, he doesn't want to take sides but acting like everything is ok just enables MIL behaviour. He should be putting a little distance, not planting his head in her ass. Spineless twat!
Go to wedding. Don't go to Hen night.

I love the advice from rather be riding. Don’t go to the hen party, go to the wedding and be fabulous! Much better idea than my advice.

You absolutely need this sorted before ttc. I don't of course mean the hen/wedding but the whole nonsense. It gets FAR worse when DC involved, I was relatively lucky with my now ex-inlaws but I've seen it/listened to the heartbreak friends have gone through in this kind of situation - and few marriages survive it if it isn't addressed