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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take time off work when people stay with us?

94 replies

Ellybellyboo · 24/01/2018 08:50

We live in a very popular touristy area. School holidays/summer time mean we get a lot of visitors.

We’re quite lucky in that tue previous owners of our house converted the attic so we have a spare room/bathroom/teeny kitchenette up there so we have room for people to stay without too much hassle.

We don’t, as a rule, take time off work when people visit. If we invite friends/family over then we do, but otherwise I kind of expect people to get on with it then we’ll meet up in the evening for dinner/go to the pub/whatever

A couple of weeks ago a friend (someone that we used to be quite good friends with a long time ago but don’t hear from too much now) asked if her, her DH and their children could come and stay over half term. Fine.

Was chatting to her yesterday about times of arrival, confirming dates, etc, and I said don’t worry, I’ll leave them a spare key, they can come and go as they please.

She was a bit surprised and seemed a bit put out that we’d be at work/getting on with normal life during the day - DD1 has her GCSEs this year so will (hopefully) be having a good bash at some revising, DD2 has a horse so spends much of the school holidays farting about at the yard and DH and I are super busy at work and I haven’t got a lot of annual leave left anyway.

Got an email from them last night. They had been looking forward to seeing us and that they felt it was very rude we wouldn’t be there to show them around so had decided to cancel

I’m a bit pissed off actually, is it just me? They’re getting a weeks free holiday accommodation, if I took time off every time someone came here for a free holiday I’d have run out of annual leave by Easter

OP posts:

Pearlsaringer · 24/01/2018 10:55

Cross that you wouldn’t be there to show them around

There you have it. They were not coming to see you, they were coming for a free half term break. Presumably with you providing free electricity, bedding, laundry service, no doubt a little welcome pack in their kitchenette.

CFs

rookiemere · 24/01/2018 10:55

YANBU. I've got relatives coming over from the US and whilst I'm planning to spend the weekend and my NWD with them , I hadn't anticipated taking time off, and I'd be surprised if they were upset about that.

Apart from anything else, going to tourist attractions is an expensive business and not particularly interesting if you've been there before.

I would be polite in my response though, as it does sound like crossed lines.

StarshipTroopers · 24/01/2018 10:57

I wouldn't think that she was saying it is rude of you to refuse to show her around. Probably what she thought was rude was your assumption that she was just after free lodging. I would be quite hurt if someone I considered a friend, and was making an effort for to re-strengthen the friendship after not having seen them much, thought that of me!
Where, in anything the OP has written did she say to the friend that she thought she was a freeloader? Why speculate on what the friend thought, deal with what she actually said, which was that she expected to be shown around and consider the OP rude for not being available to do so?

Goldiehawnoverboard · 24/01/2018 10:59

I’ve been in your friends situation. Friends of ours live in a holiday resort in another country. They’ve stayed with us many times and always saying we should go and visit them. We finally got round to going for a few days last summer (restricted by summer holiday).

Despite having checked the dates in advance with them, husband (my husband’s uni friend) went to work every day and her children went to nursery every day.

We were really sad that they were treating us as if we were using them for a free holiday. We had gone to visit and spend time with THEM.
I felt really uncomfortable and my kids were sad that their friends were in nursery every day while we went out and about for the day.

We didn’t enjoy it and won’t go again, purely for being made to feel that we were using them for a free holiday, which was never our intention.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/01/2018 10:59

It would be worse if it was the other way around though.

CF - Hi, can we come and stay?
OP - Yeah sure, I'll take a couple of days off so we can hang out.
CF - No, don't do that, we just need your house!

Dahlietta · 24/01/2018 11:00

I agree she was rude to send the email, but that otherwise it's a misunderstanding. I've read threads on here before where people living in touristy spots complain that friends are always using them for free accommodation. It does sound like she genuinely thought she was coming to see you and do some things together, rather than just live out of your attic for a week. You are not being unreasonable at all, but I don't think she is either (apart from for the email!)

StarshipTroopers · 24/01/2018 11:08

We were really sad that they were treating us as if we were using them for a free holiday. We had gone to visit and spend time with THEM.
How was their being at work treating you like users? You simply can't infer that. Did they say or do anything?

MichaelBendfaster · 24/01/2018 11:11

Yes, having thought about it more I think it might be a misunderstanding. BUT emailing to say the OP was being rude is outrageous. Surely when it became clear that the OP had different expectations, the friend could have said 'Oh, I had sort of assumed we'd spend some more time together, but I guess you're busy at work...' and they could have had a proper discussion about it. Seething silently and sending a rude email flouncing out of the arrangement is not very nice behaviour, to say the least.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/01/2018 11:14

If we only came for four days, do you think you could have one day off to go to X attraction (or whatever)?"

I think asking someone to take any of their annual leave - even just a day - is unacceptable, especially when the person you’re asking has their own family and kids (as the OP has) with whom I expect they’d much prefer to spend their small amount of annual leave.

SheilaFentiman · 24/01/2018 11:16

It's not unacceptable to ask nicely if it would be possible - which is why my phrasing was as such. If the answer was 'no, sorry' then moaning about that would be unacceptable.

Loonoonow · 24/01/2018 11:19

Your friend sounds like she is either overly needy or a CF.
We have a big house near a very popular holiday destination. Friends and family come and stay to visit the many surrounding sights. Quite a few have an open invitation along the lines of 'if you ever want to visit X you are welcome to use us as a base'. If we are around it's lovely to see them, maybe have dinner and a chat in the evenings about what they have been up to. Quite often if they visit at holiday times we are away ourselves and they get keys, the run of the house and plant watering/cat feeding duties. No one has ever even hinted that we take time off to accommodate them.

LadyinCement · 24/01/2018 11:20

We lived near attractions that cost a large amount of money. Some visitors would have the full expectation that we would be accompanying them. It was quite awkward explaining that a) you didn't want to take time off work or b) spend a fortune going to something that you had been to several times before.

It also gets a bit expensive when visitors want to go out to dinner every night. Obviously it is their holiday, but when they're at home do they eat out all the time?!

I think in OP's case one could give the visitors the benefit of the doubt if they hadn't mentioned "show us around". By saying this they've implicated themselves!

cardeyscat · 24/01/2018 11:23

At least you discovered their unreasonable expectations before they arrived... they've been quite presumptuous!

mamahanji · 24/01/2018 11:25

I wish I had some of the nerve these cf have. I apologise to people when they bump into me! I need some of their nerve.

PrimeraVez · 24/01/2018 11:26

We live in a popular holiday destination and have had quite a few randomers come to stay with us over the years, especially as our city is a popular transit point for flights onto Australia, South Africa etc. I only take time off to spend with them if I genuinely want to, or if I have invited them myself.

So for example, brother's uni mate who is staying with us for two days en route to Australia? No chance. In fact, I've written a standard factsheet that I hand to people like this with basic stuff like where the top tourist attractions are, how to navigate public transport, where the nicest beach is, what our wifi code is etc.

MillennialFalcon · 24/01/2018 11:26

brilliotic

OP didn't assume her friend was after free lodging and did offer to make time to go for a meal and catch up but the friend was upset that she wasn't available all the time. I can see what you are saying about wanting to restrengthen the friendship but OP's friend started off reaching out after not being in touch much by asking for a big favour, putting up her whole family over the half term holiday. If the friendship isn't that strong it's better not to put that much weight on it! Regardless of her motivation, I don't think she is in a position to call OP rude.

sonjadog · 24/01/2018 11:31

I live abroad and both I and my friends would ring and say we fancied coming over and would it suit for us to come and stay? I don’t think it is considered cheeky by any of us. I guess different friendship groups have different rules for interaction.

brilliotic · 24/01/2018 11:34

MillenialFalcon,

Again, this might have been a misunderstanding. If I was working on the assumption that we were spending half-term together as families, then the OP's suggestion of going for a meal and catch up would have read to me "You and me go out together, without the kids, to properly catch up rather than just doing family stuff together". I might have found myself relieved that my old friend was indeed similarly interested in re-kindling our friendship, that our friendship was indeed more than 'we saw each other a lot due to circumstances so we were friends, but when we stopped automatically seeing each other a lot, we kind of stopped being friends too'. All the more would it then hurt to later find that far from this, she had assumed I was just after a cheap holiday.

rocketgirl22 · 24/01/2018 11:51

They obv expected to spend time with you and would like to see you, not just using your house as a free hotel, maybe some would consider them proper friends because of that?

Why not explain the annual leave problem and invite them for a long weekend when you will be there in the summer?

They sound a bit hurt tbh.

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