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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take time off work when people stay with us?

94 replies

Ellybellyboo · 24/01/2018 08:50

We live in a very popular touristy area. School holidays/summer time mean we get a lot of visitors.

We’re quite lucky in that tue previous owners of our house converted the attic so we have a spare room/bathroom/teeny kitchenette up there so we have room for people to stay without too much hassle.

We don’t, as a rule, take time off work when people visit. If we invite friends/family over then we do, but otherwise I kind of expect people to get on with it then we’ll meet up in the evening for dinner/go to the pub/whatever

A couple of weeks ago a friend (someone that we used to be quite good friends with a long time ago but don’t hear from too much now) asked if her, her DH and their children could come and stay over half term. Fine.

Was chatting to her yesterday about times of arrival, confirming dates, etc, and I said don’t worry, I’ll leave them a spare key, they can come and go as they please.

She was a bit surprised and seemed a bit put out that we’d be at work/getting on with normal life during the day - DD1 has her GCSEs this year so will (hopefully) be having a good bash at some revising, DD2 has a horse so spends much of the school holidays farting about at the yard and DH and I are super busy at work and I haven’t got a lot of annual leave left anyway.

Got an email from them last night. They had been looking forward to seeing us and that they felt it was very rude we wouldn’t be there to show them around so had decided to cancel

I’m a bit pissed off actually, is it just me? They’re getting a weeks free holiday accommodation, if I took time off every time someone came here for a free holiday I’d have run out of annual leave by Easter

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 24/01/2018 09:52

I don't think either of you were being unreasonable. I think it might have been a case of crossed wires. The fact that you live in a tourist hot spot might actually be something of a red herring if the goal was to see you and your family.
People on MN are too quick to wheel out the mot du jour 'cheeky fucker'.
Anyway, put your attic on AirBnB and reap the rewards.

PoisonousSmurf · 24/01/2018 09:55

OMG! They sound so entitled! Why are evenings not enough? Don't ever let them come again. I mean, you didn't even invite them in the first place, they invited themselves!

PoisonousSmurf · 24/01/2018 09:58

We had friends who lived in South Africa. Most of the two weeks we were there we made our own way around. We even had to know how to sort out the alarm system as otherwise armed guards would descend on us!
We managed and saw plenty of our friends in the evenings.

Umakemefeellikedancing · 24/01/2018 10:04

Let us know what she replies with if at all

ShastaTrinity · 24/01/2018 10:06

Why are posters calling your friends entitled and cheeky fuckers? They sound quite nice, they were coming to visit you, not treating your home as a free hotel and a free holiday. The reverse would be true, using your facilities but seeing as little of you as they can. That's how you behave in a B&B, not when you visit friends!

That said, of course you were absolutely right not to take time off, because it's not convenient or because you simply don't want to. I just wouldn't be angry with someone who is disappointed not to see me. You are very kind to offer a stay to your friends, I wouldn't misunderstand the ones who are not abusing your hospitality!

posters on here are weird, I would be surprised if they were really treating their own friends and family homes as a hotel in real life.

MillennialFalcon · 24/01/2018 10:13

She was BU. It would be understandable for her to expect you to be around if you had actually invited her but she invited herself and her family to stay for a free half term holiday so you were already doing her a massive favour! Shocking that she'd accuse you of being rude because you weren't able to drop all your other commitments! I actually think you are being a bit too reasonable. Of course it's up to you who you let stay but it sounds like some people are taking the mickey, you haven't heard from this friend much recently and suddenly she gets back in touch when she wants a free holiday and it sounds like people do this regularly. Consider whether it's convenient for you. If you don't mind putting people up then you could actually be making money from Airbnb rather than doing it for free. The service that you provide has value and it sounds like some people are taking it for granted.

ShastaTrinity · 24/01/2018 10:18

but she invited herself and her family to stay for a free half term holiday

Do you genuinely wait for a formal invitation to visit your friends and family? I've never heard of that! In real life, we (or friends) just contact each other, say that we are thinking to visit at such and such date, is that convenient, are the others available?

We invite people at specific dates for a party, but otherwise, they contact us when they come around, we don't summon them. I don't believe I have ever offended anyone by calling them asking if we could come and visit

DriggleDraggle · 24/01/2018 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbs1 · 24/01/2018 10:25

She is being very rude.

ptumbi · 24/01/2018 10:26

YANBU! She is taking a weeks holiday, and expects you to take a week of yours as well? Fuck that. My holiday is precious, and I wouldn't use it jsut to ferry people/friends about. One day, maaaaaaaybe, but not a week.

And I'd never invited myself (let alone husband and kids too [hmm) to someone's house, to stay for a week.

e1y1 · 24/01/2018 10:28

I partly agree lady and sasha. I would have no qualms in friends or family in inviting themselves to stay, however I would take great exception at being expected to use my annual leave to accommodate their trip.

So it’s not so much a case of it just being “they invited themselves”. it’s the bare faced cheek of them dictating your time (I can’t abide unreasonable demands on my time, why is my time any less (or indeed more) important than any one else’s?

Would be sure it’s the same for OP.

To be honest, I nearly always take time off for visitors, but for someone to invite themselves and then sulk because I’m not taking time off to accommodate all their time, no way.

ptumbi · 24/01/2018 10:29

shasta we (or friends) just contact each other, say that we are thinking to visit at such and such date, is that convenient, are the others available? - and you expect someone to offer a room (or two) for you? 'we are thinking of visiting you, can you put us up'??

That's a CF.

brilliotic · 24/01/2018 10:30

Her children being younger she might have assumed that, like her, you would (have to) take time off work during half-term in order to look after the kids while they're off school. So basically she was saying "It's half-term, you're off work, I'm off work, you have to occupy the kids for a week, I have to occupy the kids for a week, we haven't seen each other a lot lately - let's hang out together. Would it be ok doing this hanging-out-together at yours? Then we can benefit of your touristy location too, which will make the 'occupying the kids' part easier."

I wouldn't think that she was saying it is rude of you to refuse to show her around. Probably what she thought was rude was your assumption that she was just after free lodging. I would be quite hurt if someone I considered a friend, and was making an effort for to re-strengthen the friendship after not having seen them much, thought that of me!

ShastaTrinity · 24/01/2018 10:35

and you expect someone to offer a room (or two) for you? 'we are thinking of visiting you, can you put us up'??

well... yes, that's how we all do it, don't you? I travel with my kids too. The only ones I leave home are the dogs, which I only take to specific houses.

That's how we have friends staying over too, they don't wait for a formal invitation!

I am puzzled that it seems such a weird concept.

ZoopDragon · 24/01/2018 10:37

Sounds like a misunderstanding. You need to be clear when responding that you won't be able to take time off. Sounds like she was coming to spend time with you rather than use you as a free holiday, so I can understand why she was offended. Presumably they will have to travel some distance, book annual leave etc. Holiday time is precious to everyone.

It sounds like you've got used to people using you as a base, rather than coming to see you.

ZoopDragon · 24/01/2018 10:40

Oh and I don't get the 'inviting yourself' thing. Our friends ask if they can come and stay, rather than wait for an invitation. I'd always warn them if we're working. I actually prefer people coming to us, it's easier and cheaper than travelling with kids!

SuburbanRhonda · 24/01/2018 10:42

Sounds like a result, OP.

You’re obviously much nicer than I am. I’d have just replied, “Thanks for letting me know.”

lottiegarbanzo · 24/01/2018 10:44

Sounds like a misunderstanding. You were both making assumptions - you were thinking the worst of them really, assuming they were 'using you' for accommodation rather than interested in visiting you.

Expecting anyone to have holiday spare for Feb half term at this sort of notice seems naive. Just expecting anyone, who is probably carefully stewarding four or five weeks hols across the year, to have a week spare and not accounted for seems odd.

Do they not really know that you both work FT? Did you used to have more flexibility or work PT when you knew them better?

befbiund · 24/01/2018 10:47

You've just had a misunderstanding. I suspect they value the friendship more than you do. I have often taken this kind of trip (and recently had my cousin in similar circumstances) - time off
In the day is nice but everyone understands it's not always possible.

coffeeforone · 24/01/2018 10:49

YANBU. We have people to stay quite often. For first time guests we make it clear from the outset that we will be at work, and suggest if they want to see more of us then they need to come at the weekend. Then it's their choice and they know the score.

DancesWithOtters · 24/01/2018 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheilaFentiman · 24/01/2018 10:52

Yeah, I think this was just a misunderstanding.

SheilaFentiman · 24/01/2018 10:53

Though emailling saying you are very rude is off! I'd've probably said "oh, sorry I wasn't clear, I was looking forward to actually hanging out with you. If we only came for four days, do you think you could have one day off to go to X attraction (or whatever)?" rather than calling you rude!

fruitbrewhaha · 24/01/2018 10:54

Goodness how wierd.

I can understand she may feel a bit disappointed that she won't get to spend lots of time with you but surely she has to get your reasoning.
They would still get to see you, weekends and an evening or two for them to treat you and your family to a nice dinner. Perhaps they could go to the stables with DD, have a fart about with her horse.

She's an idiot.

So.......your annex is free this half term.....................

ptumbi · 24/01/2018 10:54

and you expect someone to offer a room (or two) for you? 'we are thinking of visiting you, can you put us up'??
well... yes, that's how we all do it, don't you? - no, I don't. I don't expect people to just suggest that they can use my house when they like, and I wouldn't expect them to put me plus DH plus kids up if I just fancied a rip to their area. I'd pay, for a BnB or something. And I'd expect them to do the same.

i am probably a mardy cow, but I'm having this exact problem at the mo with SIL - she thinks she can just come with her 'bf' and use DHs house, and bed, for shagging in. Dh is supposed to sleep at mine . Not going to happen.

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