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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if this was sexual harassment or/and an obsession/love or what?

69 replies

IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:35

A decade ago, I met up with a guy from a dating site. I was lonely, in a foreign country, going through difficult time. I made out with him. While making out, suddenly he pulled out his penis, pushed my hand towards it and masturbated himself with my hand. I was shocked. I didn't have a lot of sexual experience (I had a boyfriend but I was a virgin) and I didn't know what to do.

After that, we saw each other several times, made out, had consensual sexual activities. Still not full on sex because I did not want to. He kept pressuring me to have sex with him without a condom and thankfully my stupidity hasn't come to that level yet.

I left the country, got back together with my old boyfriend, and I'm still with him. We have a non-existent sex life, but we're perfect in every other way. I truly deeply love him.

I have never even had PIV until now.

I haven't forgotten the first guy. I still obsess over him from time to time. When I feel sexual, I still think of him. We still talk sometimes, but it's just usual catching up. He has a serious relationship and I know we will never be together. Sometimes I compare myself to the person in his life, and feel bad because he didn't choose me.

I guess I want to know what your thoughts are about this.

  1. Was the first incident an abuse?
  2. Why am I unable to forget him?
  3. What should I do to forget him?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:38

Am I obsessing over him because he's the only real sexual experience I ever had?

And because he treated me like a piece of meat -- which has never happened and never again?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 23/01/2018 22:44

It sounds as though you might benefit from talking to a counsellor who specialises in sex-related issues, if you are still obsessing over something which happened so long ago to the point that it is spoiling your sex life with your current partner.

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:45

it is spoiling your sex life with your current partner.

My current partner is not interested in sex.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 22:51

I'm guessing you had some enjoyment from the consensual sexual activity?
And now you're being rejected by your current dp?
Does not surprise me you are obsessing about your ex.
But you need to address why you're accepting celibacy. I think you need to leave dp and find aguy who can give you a full adult sex life.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/01/2018 22:53

What are the timescales here op. How long have you been with your current dp?

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:55

How long have you been with your current dp?

Four years, then we broke up. I met the guy. Then I came home, and got back with DP again. It's been nine years since.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 23/01/2018 22:56

Well if this the only relationship that has had any sexual contact I would say it’s pretty natural to wonder what if.
I couldn’t say if the first encounter was abusive. It doesn’t sound it to me, more different boundaries.
If you want a sexual relationship would your current partner consider some kind of couples counselling?

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:57

DP was my first boyfriend.

Only two men in my life. DP, and that guy from POF.

I can't shake the idea that maybe I was a slut because of what happened the first time when he used her hand to masturbate himself. I didn't move my hand but I also didn't remove it.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:58

DP and I has had some sort of sexual activities but never PIV. And it's been practically non-existent for the past six years or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:59

Sometimes I wonder if I should have just agreed to have PIV with that guy so at least I've experienced it.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 23:08

Can dp get an erection? Does he have the madonna/whore complex? Why no piv?

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 23:14

Can dp get an erection? Why no piv?

Yeah he can get an erection.

Re: PIV - I don't know.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 23:25

So he chooses not to have piv? Does he have you on a pedestal? Does he say things like you're "too nice" and "pure" and he "respects" you?
Are you too embarrassed to ask him why he only goes so far?

Sarah0574 · 23/01/2018 23:25

Have you tried asking your DP about the lack of sex? It's not normal and no wonder you're obsessing over the other guy.

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 23:28

Are you too embarrassed to ask him why he only goes so far?

Yes.

Have you tried asking your DP about the lack of sex?

No. I haven't. Why? I guess I am also scared of the answer. To be fair I have always been afraid of PIV too. But it's normal to be afraid of it when you have not experienced it right?

Does he say things like you're "too nice" and "pure" and he "respects" you?

No, he doesn't say those things. But I know we love each other truly and deeply.

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/01/2018 23:33

I don't think it's normal to be afraid of it. And you using have much of a relationship if you can't discuss something like this.

mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 23:33

You love each other truly and deeply but you don't feel comfortable enough to ask him the bleeding obvious and he's incapable of giving you an explanation why he won't shag?
You sound like teenagers at the youth club playing at love.
I suggest you both do couples therapy if you believe this relationship has potential to evolve into a respectful honest adult one.

steff13 · 23/01/2018 23:34

Don't not using. Hmm

Sarah0574 · 23/01/2018 23:39

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? So, you and your current partner are still virgins? Are you both religious or something? It sounds to me as if you are just friends, albeit very good ones at that, if there has been 6 years without any sexual contact between you.

Sparklesocks · 23/01/2018 23:46

OP it sounds like you might have a few issues with sex, you still think about an encounter which was quite abrupt and unpleasant, and even now you can’t even bring up the topic or sex with your partner despite being in love. Being partners should mean you should be able to talk about sex, it’s natural and a part of relationships - not shameful.

Do you have any religious beliefs that might link to your sexuality?

It might be worth sitting down with a professional if you have the means, I feel like you’d really benefit from talking about this openly and it would allow you to understand your thoughts. If not a pro, have you got a trusted friend you can talk to about these things?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2018 23:46

Re a)no, it wasn't abuse. It was two inexperienced people experimenting. We all fumbled about at first.
No, that doesn't make you a slut.

Momo18 · 23/01/2018 23:53

Confused how you think you truly love your DP yet your obsessing over the other guy?! Could you be repressing your desire to go further hence putting the other guy on a pedistal sexually?

Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 23:57

I'm turning 40 this year.

We are non-religious but I grew up as a devout Catholic.

We originally came from a country where premarital sex is frowned upon.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 23:58

Confused how you think you truly love your DP yet your obsessing over the other guy?!

Because I know and I have no doubt about my love for my DP.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/01/2018 08:00

You say you have this true deep connection but you can’t talk to him about the very unusual situation your relationship is in. Maybe he’s wanting to do it too but thinks you don’t becsuse you won’t talk about it

To me, if you can’t talk about, discuss, let alone do something that’s, let’s face it, to most people a pretty fundamental part of an adult relationship, then it’s not all that you think it is.

The other guy is, in my opinion, not the problem. Your relationship with your dp is.