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AIBU?

to ask if this was sexual harassment or/and an obsession/love or what?

69 replies

IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:35

A decade ago, I met up with a guy from a dating site. I was lonely, in a foreign country, going through difficult time. I made out with him. While making out, suddenly he pulled out his penis, pushed my hand towards it and masturbated himself with my hand. I was shocked. I didn't have a lot of sexual experience (I had a boyfriend but I was a virgin) and I didn't know what to do.

After that, we saw each other several times, made out, had consensual sexual activities. Still not full on sex because I did not want to. He kept pressuring me to have sex with him without a condom and thankfully my stupidity hasn't come to that level yet.

I left the country, got back together with my old boyfriend, and I'm still with him. We have a non-existent sex life, but we're perfect in every other way. I truly deeply love him.

I have never even had PIV until now.

I haven't forgotten the first guy. I still obsess over him from time to time. When I feel sexual, I still think of him. We still talk sometimes, but it's just usual catching up. He has a serious relationship and I know we will never be together. Sometimes I compare myself to the person in his life, and feel bad because he didn't choose me.

I guess I want to know what your thoughts are about this.

Was the first incident an abuse?
Why am I unable to forget him?
What should I do to forget him?

Thoughts?

OP posts:

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differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 02:22

Fair enough, I was wondering if your husband felt "resentful" of your encounter with the other guy, and that may have explained his reluctance for anything more with you.

Neither mean has treated you well, to be fair. The other guy when he tried to coerce your into something, and your husband for refusing PIV.

I would seriously think about your options. You are not likely to get what you want with your dh, can you live like that? I also think that once you have a fulfilling sex life, you will forget other man.

I really think you are realizing, subconsciously, that you are missing something.

IsThisMeToo · 30/01/2018 02:05

No. Why do you think that? Has your dh told you that, or used that as an excuse as to why he won't have PIV with you?

No. But I can't erase the nagging feeling that the first guy thought that way about me that's why he didn't take me seriously and treated me like shit.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 01:58

Was I a slut for engaging in sexual activities (non-PIV) with the first guy? No. Why do you think that? Has your dh told you that, or used that as an excuse as to why he won't have PIV with you?

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 01:57

so why do I keep thinking about him? because he gave you what you want, which was a sense of feeling sexual, and of being desired.

What you have with your husband may be a deep love, but by fantasizing about this other man, you are telling yourself that love is not longer enough.

You can sustain a marriage without PIV, many do for many reasons. But it doesn't seem like this is enough for you anymore, and there is nothing wrong in that. You need to have a good talk to your dh and tell him what you need, and if he can't meet those needs, you will need to re-think your future with him.

IsThisMeToo · 30/01/2018 01:32

Snowysky20009

His bipolar is controlled. The last episode was around four years before he met me. And we've known each other for almost 15 years.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 30/01/2018 01:23

OP one of the symptoms of bipolar is that we have increased sexual urges, take sexual risks can become promiscuous. So I'm finding that really odd that you don't have sex at all.

IsThisMeToo · 29/01/2018 23:55

I guess I am afraid to raise this issue because I don't want to lose him. I knew going in that he doesn't have that much interest in sex. We were together for a few years before we got married.

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 28/01/2018 18:53

Sorry, you said above that you did not want children. Fine, but make sure that you have not convinced yourself to think this way because he won’t have sex.

JessieMcJessie · 28/01/2018 18:49

No you were not a slut. Single women are entitled to engage in whatever sexual activity they wish, with whomsoever they wish, as frequently as they wish.

What you did was entirely normal in many cultures, if not your own, and is not worthy of any criticism. You should be remembering the experience with a fond smile, not shame.

Please take the advice here for you and your husband to work through the reasons why you never have sex. Don’t you want children?

BitOutOfPractice · 28/01/2018 08:06

Of course not.

Sex is not shameful. Your body is yours to do as you wish with.

Please don't allow yourself to judge yourself by these horrible (sexist) standards.

IsThisMeToo · 28/01/2018 00:30

Was I a slut for engaging in sexual activities (non-PIV) with the first guy?

OP posts:

trojanpony · 27/01/2018 23:35

To be clear I don’t think it’s fantasy, I think it’s repression

trojanpony · 27/01/2018 23:34

The other guy was really inappropriate in his behaviour but that’s a separate issue.

In terms of your problem/fixation I think the other guy is a red herring.

It’s not about the guy per se, he could be anyone frankly...it’s about what he represents which is sexual desire.

I think you want sexual contact and actual sex which your husband can’t or won’t give you and you seemingly can’t speak to him about it.

I think therapy might be useful as there’s a lot going on here

IsThisMeToo · 27/01/2018 21:22

I've been thinking...if I'll have a chance to be with the first guy, I probably won't...so why do I keep thinking about him?

Maybe it's just the fantasy.

OP posts:

AuroraBora · 25/01/2018 22:14

The attributes you describe are something that you’d get from a very close friendship or a sibling. The difference between those relationships and a husband/wife relationship is sexual desire.

If you were comfortable with a platonic relationship then that would be fine, but you’re not.

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 21:56

Plus, he's super intelligent.

OP posts:

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 21:55

He's also my first boyfriend. My first love. And when I first met him, I was instantly attracted to him. To this day, he's still the handsomest boy in my eyes.

OP posts:

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 20:34

Why do you stay with a man who doesn’t desire you?

We don't have sex. But everything else in a loving relationship, he provides. He's caring and loving and he always hugs and kisses me. He's also very supportive of me and my dreams.

OP posts:

FaithEverPresent · 25/01/2018 10:11

Hmm, a few thoughts from me..
I think the first incidence with the chap abroad could be seen as assault, since it was unexpected and unwanted. It sounds like he almost turned on your sex drive (I had something similar myself) and given that you’ve only been in a relationship without sex yourself, it’s understandable that you still think back on him.

The meds your DP is taking can have an effect on libido. I wonder if that, combined with the fear of pregnancy and guilt of sex means he’s just put off?

The question is, what do you want? I agree it’s worth exploring in counselling.

jay55 · 25/01/2018 07:23

Why do you stay with a man who doesn’t desire you? Do you think you don’t deserve it?

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 07:20

Is that the first time a man has really wanted you sexually?

Not the first time someone has wanted me sexually, but the first time the feeling was mutual.

Did you like the fact you had turned him on?

Yes. I felt alive. Free. My whole life, I was in school, or always studying towards something. Plus, it was a foreign country and that guy was so much different (so direct) from guys I used to know.

OP posts:

Sleephead1 · 25/01/2018 07:08

Do you want to have sex? If the answer is yes then I think that's why you are thinking of this man is that the first time a man has really wanted you sexually? Did you like the fact you had turned him on? Maybe your partner just doesn't want sex and that's fine if you don't also but if you do want sex then I think you need to talk about this with your partner.

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 06:45

I think you want to be desired by the man you love.

YES.

OP posts:

RosemaryHoight · 25/01/2018 01:28

So are you happy to continue in a sexless marriage?

SilenceIsBroken · 25/01/2018 01:04

"You. Are. Missing. Out."

This. If you were happy with the status quo that would be fine. But it sounds like you're really not.

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