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AIBU?

to ask if this was sexual harassment or/and an obsession/love or what?

69 replies

IsThisMeToo · 23/01/2018 22:35

A decade ago, I met up with a guy from a dating site. I was lonely, in a foreign country, going through difficult time. I made out with him. While making out, suddenly he pulled out his penis, pushed my hand towards it and masturbated himself with my hand. I was shocked. I didn't have a lot of sexual experience (I had a boyfriend but I was a virgin) and I didn't know what to do.

After that, we saw each other several times, made out, had consensual sexual activities. Still not full on sex because I did not want to. He kept pressuring me to have sex with him without a condom and thankfully my stupidity hasn't come to that level yet.

I left the country, got back together with my old boyfriend, and I'm still with him. We have a non-existent sex life, but we're perfect in every other way. I truly deeply love him.

I have never even had PIV until now.

I haven't forgotten the first guy. I still obsess over him from time to time. When I feel sexual, I still think of him. We still talk sometimes, but it's just usual catching up. He has a serious relationship and I know we will never be together. Sometimes I compare myself to the person in his life, and feel bad because he didn't choose me.

I guess I want to know what your thoughts are about this.

Was the first incident an abuse?
Why am I unable to forget him?
What should I do to forget him?

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

flumpybear · 24/01/2018 08:11

Perhaps you're obsessing over the other man because he 'wanted you' sexually, your current boyfriend doesn't seem to want sex, so he 'doesn't want you' as it were if they makes sense?!

pinkdelight · 24/01/2018 08:26

Second the idea of counselling. If a decade ago you were 30 and think that touching the penis of a guy you were going out with makes you a slut, then you definitely have issues that need excavating. The current non-sexual relationship is even stranger. You only live once. I'm not saying you have to go sleeping around with abandon, but you obviously want more than you're getting due to the fixating on this past encounter, and I don't blame you. In answer to your question, it doesn't sound like harrassment or obsession, it sounds like two adults getting down to it and you not being into it for your own reasons, most likely linked to your upbringing.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/01/2018 08:27

This is a good example of how utterly poisonous religion is. Right now, there is nothing apart from a good therapist that will be able to help you. Your current DP may be a nice person, but the two of you are, by the sound of it, not suited as romantic/sexual partners or one of you would have taken some action by now. (If he was brought up with the same sort of toxic bullshit as you were, he may well be gay and unable to accept it.)

It isn't, actually, wrong to live a life without any sexual relationships. Some people are simply not interested in sex and, once they realise that they are not the only ones (or are fortunate enough to find a partner who is equally uninterested) they can be as happy as anyone else. But this is not the case for you. You do have a libido and would like to experience a sexual relationship, which is why counselling will help you.

IsThisMeToo · 24/01/2018 08:59

My DP has bipolar disorder. I suspect that it is influencing his (non) interest in PIV. He does not want to have children, and I have no interest in children too. Maybe his meds killed his libido too.

I grew up conditioned that you only have sex when you're married.

My DP and I used to do sexual things, except PIV. It dwindled in the past few years.

OP posts:

IsThisMeToo · 24/01/2018 09:00

My DP's bipolar disorder is very controlled. He hasn't had mania or depression since 1998. He still takes medications (Valproate).

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 24/01/2018 09:58

"I grew up conditioned that you only have sex when you're married."

But generally, I'd have thought, in these circumstances with these beliefs, you'd have married your partner and then had a sex life.

Perhaps you're right about the meds/libido, but plenty of bipolar people still have sex, feel desire, and want to satisfy their life partners.

Do you think you will try seeking out some counselling? This feels like just scratching the surface.

IsThisMeToo · 24/01/2018 22:21

But generally, I'd have thought, in these circumstances with these beliefs, you'd have married your partner and then had a sex life.

We did get married. But still no PIV. And the non-PIV is very few and far between.

OP posts:

IsThisMeToo · 24/01/2018 22:23

Some people are simply not interested in sex

I don't think he is gay. I think he is more like this. He spends all of his free time studying. He's always been a nerd (we're both nerds but he is the nerdier one) and if wants to unwind, he'll just study something else.

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 24/01/2018 22:26

Maybe he is Asexual..?.You two need to have a conversation either way he owes you that much.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/01/2018 22:47

Whatever he is it isn't you have to talk about it. Otherwise you could be this miserable your whole life simply to avoid an awkward conversation

Ennirem · 24/01/2018 22:55

If you can't have this conversation with your partner after over a decade on and off together, then you don't love each other. What are you afraid will happen if you just give it to him straight: " we're married, I love you and desire you and I want us to have sex, or at least more regular sexual activity"? Do you think he will be disgusted, angry, intimidated?

IsThisMeToo · 24/01/2018 23:10

Do you think he will be disgusted, angry, intimidated?

No. I am afraid that we will realise we need to separate because he can't give me what I want.

If you can't have this conversation with your partner after over a decade on and off together, then you don't love each other.

No, I don't agree to this. We love each other deeply. We just don't have sex. We have talked about this in the past, and he said he was just not that interested in sex. This was way before we got married, when we broke up, around the time I met the other guy.

OP posts:

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 24/01/2018 23:26

You. Are. Missing. Out.

You both deserve to talk about this openly and honestly. This is not normal, and my normal I mean sex is an instinctive behaviour. Perhaps if you struggle to talk about it together a counsellor or third party might help enable the conversation?

I suspect you are still thinking about the other guy because sex perhaps feels like a mystery to you and that element of your life was only experienced in that money? He desired you and felt excited by you? Take care, OP.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 24/01/2018 23:27

In that moment not money.

Talith · 24/01/2018 23:40

I think it sounds as if you are ready to explore and have PIV sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting a good hard shag.

blueskypie · 24/01/2018 23:51

Could his medication reduce his sex drive? I know a lot of antidepressants etc do.

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 00:39

I think it sounds as if you are ready to explore and have PIV sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting a good hard shag.

Maybe yes. And maybe that's why I keep obsessing over that guy who was the one guy who showed desire.

OP posts:

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 00:42

Could his medication reduce his sex drive? I know a lot of antidepressants etc do

Possible.

Also I think his mother probably turned him off sex. His mother told him when he was young that his parents only had sex three times -- all leading to pregnancy. I kinda think it's a weird thing to share to your kid. His parents did not have a good relationship, and it seems the mom made the kids the sounding board and constantly blamed the father etc.

OP posts:

mrsharrison · 25/01/2018 00:45

I think you want to be desired by the man you love. It's very sad that you must sacrifice this in order to stay together.

SilenceIsBroken · 25/01/2018 01:04

"You. Are. Missing. Out."

This. If you were happy with the status quo that would be fine. But it sounds like you're really not.

RosemaryHoight · 25/01/2018 01:28

So are you happy to continue in a sexless marriage?

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 06:45

I think you want to be desired by the man you love.

YES.

OP posts:

Sleephead1 · 25/01/2018 07:08

Do you want to have sex? If the answer is yes then I think that's why you are thinking of this man is that the first time a man has really wanted you sexually? Did you like the fact you had turned him on? Maybe your partner just doesn't want sex and that's fine if you don't also but if you do want sex then I think you need to talk about this with your partner.

IsThisMeToo · 25/01/2018 07:20

Is that the first time a man has really wanted you sexually?

Not the first time someone has wanted me sexually, but the first time the feeling was mutual.

Did you like the fact you had turned him on?

Yes. I felt alive. Free. My whole life, I was in school, or always studying towards something. Plus, it was a foreign country and that guy was so much different (so direct) from guys I used to know.

OP posts:

jay55 · 25/01/2018 07:23

Why do you stay with a man who doesn’t desire you? Do you think you don’t deserve it?

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