To expect the other parents to be apologetic

[anxiouslyparenting]

A few weeks ago my dd (yr5) got changed while she was chanting to a friend on FaceTime

Her friend screen shorted this then showed the images to the other children In her class of our dd half naked

We have discussed appropriate behaviour with or dd since then, she was of the kind set that if she changed for pe or swimming in front of class mates this was acceptable

My dd bought it to the attention of the form teacher and it was dealt with.

Since then the parents of the other child have expressed their dismay at the children having access to iPads etc in y5 (it's a digital learning school (And all children in y5 and above have to have an iPad)

The parents involved have not once asked if our daughter is ok or been apologetic.

Aiibu to think if your child does this you apologise
And don't divert the issue to a non issue and avoid it.

This has really tainted my view of other parents

I would have apologised if it were my child. And bollocked my child severely.

But at Year 5, especially with her own iPad, you really need to be talking to her more about appropriate behaviour on-line. Sadly girls of this age really overshare digitally. Can you get the school to arrange some proper not-scary sessions about this? My DH delivers these sometimes through a charity and it is shocking the sort of stuff little girls think OK to share.

This is one link I've just found. There are others doing this sort of work in schools.

Whether or not they should have the ipads or not isn't even the issue. Kids will move into new stages of life with new social challenges/boundaries to navigate on many, many, occasions. If they screw up it's rarely the end of the world but they should absolutely apologise if their mistake has affected someone else. Surely parents should want them to, it's a very good life lesson. The fact these haven't suggests they are feeling rather defensive and begs the question of why they'd feel the need to defend themselves if no wrong-doing has occurred.

It's rather a shame for your family but sadly another useful life lesson - learning who your friends really are

@ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo I have used it as a learning opportunity with my dd and discussed appropriate behaviour. As mentioned dine thrash she aw no difference between changing in her room in-front if her friend o. Ft and swimming/pe or at a sleepover.

@anxiouslyparenting yes I saw that bit. Unfortunately girls are very prone to sharing a lot of detail on-line so I'm suggesting something wider than just using this horrid experience as a learning opportunity, but good for you for trying to make something positive out of it.

CEOP will come in to schools to advise on child safety online for parents,kids & teachers- could you suggest that OP. It never hurts to have a reminder as to safe practise.

I am planning to distance myself until an apology comes.

I can’t bear people who demand apologies. You are really just hurting yourself with this behaviour.

Yes, the incident was regrettable. But you are making a mistake to drag out the last righteous breath from it, rather than move on. A demanded sorry is not a sorry anyway, it is a power move.

The school have dealt with it.

@ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo I'm
Not sure what you are getting at? She has no social media, This is an isolated incident which an be used as a learning point so she's really not going to to overshare elsewhere . Your tone is quite patronising not sure you meant it to be?

Has anyone actually checked if this image(s) wasn't automatically saved to the cloud and could now be out there for the rest of your daughters life? This is actually a criminal matter surly, she has shared indecent images of a minor.

@ButteredScone I'm nit demanding an apology at all. Just I would see that's the right thing to do. The friendship is already soured for me (not just for these reasons there have been other reason) an apology now would be too late as it would be forced and false anyway

I agree withJulie8008. How did the child show the images to others? Did she show them the pictures on her iPad or did she send the pictures by email, messaging or other social media? If it was the former you must ensure they have been deleted, but if it was the latter, you must take proper advice. The "half naked" images are in public circulation and you need to take action yourself rather than just leave it to the school to deal with.

@anxiouslyparenting sorry you think I'm patronising - I don't mean that. I think you sound like you're handling it well. The other parents not. I wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore either.

Please look at the link I put before. Girls at the upper end of primary school share way too much on-line. Please find out about it and ask the school to inform the girls now, not when the start using it. For example, Periscope is very popular amongst this age group and shouldn't be used.

What are your longer term plans for getting over this and moving on?

@Stickerrocks I am confirming the means of circulation am99% survit was shown on iPad and not shared via messages

I know what you mean Buttered but I suspect OP typed that in the heat of the moment, feeling disappointed that her daughter’s image has been shared & that her adult friend does not appear to share her values (whether or not she does & has not attempted to talk to her & assure her she takes a dim view.
I agree however that a forced apology is no apology but sometimes I also find that an apology is needed to move on- I won’t doggedly refuse to apologise just because I feel I was right.
Also agree that parents of screenshotting child may take the view that it has been dealt with or feel somewhat embarrassed. Just not behaving the way OP expects & only she can know how close a friendship her DD has & desires & whether she feels she wants to step back for a bit.

@ButteredScone my daughter now understands boundaries, iPads are only now used with doors open. Thankfully she isn't too distressed.
In terms I f the friendship I'm keeping a distance.

Agree with Julie this is a criminal matter and depending on the childs age she could be charged with taking/making/distributing indecent images and you need some advise with regards to getting the pics deleted

Hopefully your mind will be put at rest. My DD is much older and I know there have been a number of sharing incidents in her school. The lack of control over images shared online is frightening.

@ScarlettSahara @ButteredScone to be honest it's now too late for an apology. I would have been looking for an acknowledgement there daughter had upset line but it's been to long now for it to have sincerity or meaning

Ah- conversation moved on- sliw typer & brain slow tonight!

slow typer!

Fair enough OP. Just re-read your first post & see it happened a few weeks ago & I get how you feel .

You seem to be very uninformed and a bit lazy about Internet safety. She should know, if you are giving her unsupervised access, that getting changed online is completely inappropriate. Don't you know that people can screenshot? That kids are silly?
Not giving this information to your dd is not doing her any favours.
She could be groomed easily, if you don't teach her better than you have done.

I don’t blame your DD for feeling it was no different to changing with her friend actually in her room and it shouldn’t have been. Your DD didn’t do anything wrong.

Her friend, however, behaved abysmally and had she been mine would have been in a lot of trouble and I’d have been really apologetic.

I hope the focus here has been the friends horrible behaviour & not your DD doing something perfectly normal for a 9 year old girl, getting changed in front of a friend.

I’m glad your DD doesn’t seem too upset by it, but I rather hope she’s giving her ‘friend’ the cold shoulder. Little brat.

Wow thanks @cheesypastatonight way to make me feel
Like am awesome parent!

My daughters iPad is accessible to me,? I check her activity regularly, read messages and monitor usage. She has no social media mand isn't allowed chat functions on roblox or similar. But apparently because if our naively thinking her taking her top while chatting to a mate (as she would in pe at school or on a play date) I'm a bad parent and she is stupid. Victim blaming at its finest

@AnnieAnoniMouse thank you. You feel exactly as I do