AIBU to ask for the repayment of this loan?

[Smudge100]

My niece decided a couple of years ago to retrain in a new profession – she is 38 and married with one child – and was going to take out a hefty commercial loan to pay for living expenses and tuition fees etc. I offered to loan her the money instead on a no interest basis, so that she wasn’t tied up in interest repayments as well as the repayment of the loan itself. I have no children of my own and can afford it and it was in fact my original intention to gift her the money, on the basis that she would inherit from me at some stage anyway. She expressed suitable gratitude at the time.

At Christmas we all gathered at her mother’s, my sister’s. I hadn’t seen her since last year and was looking forward to seeing her. However, from the look on her face when I greeted her, it was clear that my sentiments were not reciprocated. At one stage, she and I found ourselves alone in sitting room. I asked her a few questions about how the course was going and how she was etc.etc. perfectly normal conversation. She gave absolutely minimal answers and didn’t ask me anything about myself at all. At one point, unable to suppress the ennui she felt in my company, she sighed audibly. She later posted on FB a picture of a woman looking fresh and alert with the caption: ‘arriving for Christmas’. Next to it was a picture of the same woman, looking haggard and clutching the steering wheel of her car with the caption: ‘Three days later – I need a drink!’ I think it sums up her feelings about being around her mother, stepfather and myself. Obviously she can post whatever she likes on her own FB page but she knew that I would see it.

The course is ending later in the year and I believe she is fairly confident of securing employment in her chosen field (despite it requiring a degree of physical agility and her being seriously obese). As I say, it was my original intention to write off the debt, but as she has made her feelings towards me so abundantly clear, I am now disinclined to do so. I am also considering changing my will. There are plenty of charities that i support that would be grateful for my money and I would rather see them benefit than this entitled young woman. What would you do in my position? Am I over-reacting? All opinions welcome!

I don’t see anywhere that OP said she told her DN it was a gift rather than a loan.

Her bad behaviour aside, and who knows what was going on, she took out a loan and should expect to pay it back.

It would be helpful to know what you agreed when you gave it to her because that’s all that really matters.

No good deed goes unpunished.
Are you sure she’s actually doing the course or hasn’t dropped out?
That could explain her attitude.

As far as she knows she is due to pay it back, I'd expect her to

So because shes not constantly thanking you and being all grateful you have decided you want the money that you were going to gift her anyway back? Is that correct?
Maybe shes stressed so not up to socialising and turned up for christmas out of duty rather than wanting to be there.
What more thanks could you possibly need than the one she gave when you offered her the money to begin with it.
I hate this 'ive loaned you money so you must be thankful constantly' or the 'ive loaned you money so now i have to watch and judge how you spend every penny of your own money whilst you arent paying me back' malarkey.
Either ask for the money to be repaid or write it off as a gift as it seems like a lovely noose you have hanging over your neices head that you can tighten as you wish and that is unfair.

I'd agree with arsenal - I wonder if some of the attitude was embarassment or not wanting to admit she's dropped out of it? I'd ask your sister about it.
But for her to show you no manners when you've done something so generous is appalling behaviour, and I wouldn't blame you for not giving her a further penny. If you haven't told her about writing the debt off, then I'd start asking when she intends to start paying it back as soon as she finishes.

I can't understand the nasty comments on here...and some posters have no idea about loans between family members.

If you loaned money, you have every right to ask for it back. I have been on the receiving end of such a loan in my younger days....in my case, it was when I transferred jobs and needed funds to help move down South, find accommodation and fares etc., as I was changing career. I was extremely grateful to the person who trusted me enough to help out with the money, I made sure I kept them up to date with how things were going and I paid every penny back, too. I didn't want to betray their trust in me.

However, there were 'terms' set out when I received the money....sounds as though your arrangement wasn't so formal. However, it was still a loan and if the person is not grateful, then you need to start the conversation which says "so you're coming to the end of the course, I will be looking for repayments of XYZ, starting on...." etc.
Even if the loan-receiver is having a bad time/has other things going on, that doesn't excuse them from be grateful to you for your help. If there are circumstances which are having an impact on their life or their ability to pay back, they should be explaining these, and thinking through - with you - what they are going to do next.
You are being perfectly reasonable; I can understand you might have thought you would gift this money but then changed your mind, given their attitude.

chibsortig she doesn't have to be always thanking her but if someone is so incredibly kind that they finance you doing a course that will improve your life, well she should at least be civil. The OP could have just said no instead. The niece is rude and entitled.

It isn't about being obsequious , it's about being friendly and polite surely? But if I had borrowed a reasonable sum from a family member in this circumstance I would make an effort to update them on it, chat about it etc etc

I'm wondering too if perhaps her parents had already been asking all about the course and she'd had her fill of it and it was unfortunate you asked after them.

Chibsortig. OP wasn't asking for thanks, just for some civility from a family member.

You're perfectly entitled to change your mind and remove her from your Will but I think you're being ridiculous.

She may have been tired and stressed or have problems of her own. Sucking up to you wasn't part of the agreement.

You sound paranoid and passive aggressive.

Slightly different slant.
She had already sorted finance. You pressed your alternative on her. She has no idea and does not presume you were going to gift it to her. She has every intention of reimbursing you when course has finished.
Everyone is entitled to one bad day.
Why not invite her over and see how she is?

I asked her a few questions about how the course was going and how she was etc.etc. perfectly normal conversation. She gave absolutely minimal answers

Op, are you absolutely sure that she is doing the course, as this sentence sprung out at me, especially the absolutely minimal answers phrase.

If I had been kindly lent money, interest free (which seems to have been the original intention, but you have since decided that you would write it off) by an aunt to do a course, I would be giving more than minimal answers when kind aunt then asked about the course!

Maybe, as others have suggested, send a general email, asking after her and expressing concern about how she was at Christmas, and ask about her course. Then see what reply you get.

I think maybe hold off changing your will for now, but review that course of action in a few months time.

Just realised that I cross posted with arsenal, but am glad someone else picked up on the possibility that she may have dropped out.

Did you tell her it was a gift? If so yubu, if you hadn't told her your plans to gift it then yanbu and should ask to sort out a plan re repayments.

Regardless of the loan a 38 year old woman should have the decency to be polite to her aunt on Xmas day.

The OP does have every right to change her mind. But at the same time, to me this would ring alarm bells, has she dropped out? Is she in debt? Is she pregnant? Did the money actually go to her? Her husband didn't gamble it away or something?

If this was me I would be trying to get to the bottom of what had caused this rather than attacking her?

OP, it sounds like your relationship with her has previously been good and this is out of character. You really need to talk to her, I'd be concerned.

Have you thought she was embarassed at owing you the money, and it made for uncomfortable feelings on her part, she may have been gearing up to talk finance with you, and just not know how to do it.

Since you don't need the money, why don't you just tell her you have decided to wipe the loan out as a gift to your Great Niece./ Nephew
I know you don't want to do this, but she had no idea you might not need the money, and that worry on top of a child will make her act out of the Norm.

Sometimes being better than everyone else, is the best kind of charity, and then maybe you can get on with getting to know the newest family member.

Rather than leave it to charity, why don't you leave it in trust for the baby and any siblings it may have. That way you can bi-pass the mum and still keep the money in the family.

She may be ungrateful.

She may be tired/stressed/struggling with the course/suffering mental health problems.

How did she seem overall over Christmas? As pp have asked, how were her interactions with other people? Was her behaviour in character, or unusual for her?

I would speak to her or other family members before making your mind up.

I wonder if she has picked up on your attitude towards her being ‘seriously obese’?

^^ this.

OP you haven't made it clear if it was a gift or a loan.
If you think you won't get the money back, then write it off, treat it as an early inheritance for her, and change your will.

What more thanks could you possibly need than the one she gave when you offered her the money to begin with it.
I hate this 'ive loaned you money so you must be thankful constantly' or the 'ive loaned you money so now i have to watch and judge how you spend every penny of your own money whilst you arent paying me back' malarkey.
Either ask for the money to be repaid or write it off as a gift as it seems like a lovely noose you have hanging over your neices head that you can tighten as you wish and that is unfair.

I agree. Loads of it on here.

OP, do whatever you want to do, she sounds like a piece of work, and very ungrateful.

'you are committing a crime if you are lending money without appropriste regulatory authorisations'

What crime am I committing?