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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep breastfeeding regardless of what DP says

88 replies

HeartStrings · 22/01/2018 14:21

DD is 8 weeks and is EBF. She has a good latch despite a minor tongue tie which doesn't need snipping as she can roll her tongue out fine.
She suffers slightly with reflux and is on gaviscon and ranitidine. She has a bottle of expressed breast milk at bed time and throughout the day she goes on the boob.

Sometimes however she gets a little frustrated and is on and off the breast and crying/whimpering and my DP is getting angry with me saying that she's still hungry but isn't getting enough milk from me. He obviously sees that she drinks her bottle well at night and thinks she should be on bottles.
Also in regard to her reflux, DP thinks it will be settled if we were to put her on lactose free formula. I did suspect she may have a cows milk allergy and I tried cutting dairy out of my diet to see if it made a difference which it didn't and my gut instinct is that she doesn't have a cows milk allergy and the reflux is nothing to do with consuming dairy, plus she shows no signs of having cows milk allergy as our DS did only he was formula fed.

I'm babbling on a bit now but basically I've been called selfish for wanting to continue breastfeeding, please note that she's been weighed and she's growing perfectly along her centile line so she's obviously getting the nutrition she needs. DP has threatened to leave as he can't put up with seeing DD 'suffer'.

I personally feel strongly that she isn't suffering too much from reflux, but he's exaggerating. I'm with DD every day and she's with me every second and comes everywhere with me. I know my baby. I've also tried to tell him the benefits breast milk bas on our baby and how it can change too when baby is sick, which despite me googling it and showing him for proof is apparently 'bullshit' Hmm

I guess I'm just looking for some support, sorry if this is long, didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/01/2018 14:47

If it is reflux, surely bottle feeding wouldn't have a helpful effect anyway?

If you're exclusively breastfeeding, your supply will adjust according to demand anyway. Demand from the baby changes over time, and 8 weeks is very early to expect your supply to be fully stable. I'd think about offering an evening breast feed after the bottle, just to keep the demand up, but a BF counsellor at a support group will be able to give you good advice. IME it does get easier after those first few weeks- you've done the hard yards, don't give up if it's what you want to do!

It's troubling that your H is threatening to leave- is he normally so unsupportive, or is there an element of control there? The baby clearly isn't suffering if she's gaining weight and producing plenty of wet and dirty nappies.

LagunaBubbles · 22/01/2018 14:47

This sounds horrible, when he should be supporting you he's making you feel bad, what was your relationship like before you gave birth?

PinkyBlunder · 22/01/2018 14:48

Ah. He’s jealous.

Next time he threatens, fully support his motion to leave. Next time he criticises, tell him he can do that when he’s grown a pair of tits and fed a baby himself.

You’re not a crappy mum, breastfeeding is hard work and I remember exactly what you describe in the early days. Take all the support you can whether it be from breastfeeding groups or your HV. Persevere as long as you are happy to do so and remember the golden rules - plenty of wet nappies, plenty of dirty nappies and gaining weight mean there is enough going in! 8 weeks is no time at all to get a good feeding routine in place and as for the reflux, it just happens! There doesn’t have to be a reason at all.

Just keep swimming and sort out your DH problem.

WaterBuffaloDancing · 22/01/2018 14:48

I had 2 reflux babies, one a lot worse than the other.

He doesn't have any allergies, he is 11 years old and only grew out of the reflux when he was about 8/9 years old.

Reflux babies cry a lot, it is shit, but your baby is clearly gaining weight so I would trust that.

My HV wouldn't even do anything about my reflux baby as he was gaining weight. I was feeding him 10-12 times a day when he was 14 weeks old!! Because he could never take a good feed, only little and often but he was gaining weight.

In the end we ended up o Enfamil AR (anti-reflux) formula which worked for us. But you need to do what is best for you.

WhiteWalkersWife · 22/01/2018 14:48

Does he normally take out his bad moods on you op? Having a newborn and sleep deprivation will only increase them...

Nquartz · 22/01/2018 14:49

A good point was made by PP, bottles can cause fussiness on your boob because the milk is much more free flowing whereas they have to work at it on the boob. Maybe try a cup instead?

DeleteOrDecay · 22/01/2018 14:49

DP has threatened to leave as he can't put up with seeing DD 'suffer'.

What the fuck.

He's a twat who needs to educate himself on bf and how it works rather than threatening to leave, how on earth is that helpful to you or your dd?

Everything you describe is pretty usual for breastfeeding in the earlier weeks, it does get better though!

Queeniebed · 22/01/2018 14:50

Wow he sounds dreadful - keep doing what you are doing. My DH did tell me that he was sad that he couldn't help with the feeding as he saw how close DS and I were so at 2 weeks I started expressing sometimes and DH could bottle feed (giving me a break)

0ccamsRazor · 22/01/2018 14:50

Op you sound very clued up and your instincts in full flow.

Tell him to fuck off with his bullshit.

HippyChickMama · 22/01/2018 14:51

He doesn't sound very supportive. You could call the Breastfeeding Support Network to see if they have an advisor near you. They will do home visits which you could arrange for when dh is home too. At least then he'd be there to witness them telling you that fussing can be normal.

WhiteWalkersWife · 22/01/2018 14:52

Theres also pace feeding for the bottles which may be worth a try op.

AllTheWayDown · 22/01/2018 14:55

Op, I don't have any experience with breastfeeding but I just wanted to say you sound like a great Mum and that you know what you're doing so listen to your instinct. You have some good advice here. I also second that if your dh threatens to leave then call his bluff. You don't need that when you've got an 8 week old and 2 other children to look after. He should be supporting you which he is not doing. Just do whatever feels right do you Thanks

giddyupnow · 22/01/2018 14:56

What would happen if you said, ‘yes, I think you probably should leave?’ Plus ‘don’t think I will ever forget your undermining me and threatening me when I am doing the best for our child and am at a particularly vulnerable time?’

AngryPrincess · 22/01/2018 14:56

Keep breastfeeding. You are doing a good job and you are a good mother.

FuckwitteryIsAllAround · 22/01/2018 14:58

BF or FF, in the western world it's just choice. Feed your baby how you want.
Sounds like your DH is acting like a prick though.

deptfordgirl · 22/01/2018 14:58

I have no problem with ff but bfeeding is giving her the best start in life so there is really no reason to stop if there isn't a problem. Your dh is being very unreasonable and selfish. Perhaps get your health visitor/gp to talk to him to reassure him that your dd is fine and growing well?

My ds was also very figidty at the breast in the early days and used to cluster fed for ages. Honestly what you describe sounds very normal and changing to formula may make the reflux worse.

Rumpledfaceskin · 22/01/2018 15:02

Keep going. There’s no saying she will be more settled if you switch, it’s another bullshit myth people use to persuade against b/feeding. I can’t believe your do won’t support you in doing something amazing for his baby. It’s most likely just a stage your baby is going through anyway.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 22/01/2018 15:08

He's wrong, you're right. Suggest to him that if he is concerned you both go to see your GP together to discuss it. He does sound like he's being unreasonable but he's also her parent and his concern, while misplaced, could be genuine. Speaking to an informed but impartial 3rd party could be useful.

RibenaMonsoon · 22/01/2018 15:10

I'd show him this thread if I were in your shoes.

You are doing absolutely awesome!

She could be cluster feeding or perhaps having a growth spurt. Sounds like he knows Jack shit about BF.

If he is threatening to leave over something so ridiculous I'd bloody well let him.

Breastfeeding support group sounds awesome!

Keep doing what you are doing Flowers

Verbena37 · 22/01/2018 15:14

Perhaps he sees your time with baby feeding means Moreno time for him looking after the other two dc’s? I a,so think he sounds a bit left out/jealous perhaps.

Gosh, at only 8 weeks in though, he hasn’t really waited long before losing it! Sleepless nights and more family responsibilities may be stressing him out too though.

Is he stroppy with the other children or does he enjoy time with them?

Maybe he’s just finding the home/work balance a tad tricky in these early days. Has he been out for a few beers with his mates?

I’m not trying to let him off with excuses...just trying to work out why he might be being so hostile and arsey with you.

Rachie1973 · 22/01/2018 15:18

I have the sudden urge to come round your house and smack your DH for you!

What a wanker. IF he feels something is wrong there are ways and means to sorting it out. The GP or HV appointment idea sounds a good one.

Threatening to leave because you won't back down to him would be a massive red flag for me.

Mixedupmummy · 22/01/2018 15:24

Another vote of support for you here. All sounds completely normal to me. And I didn't deal with reflux!

ReanimatedSGB · 22/01/2018 15:24

Definitely have a hard think about your relationship with this man. Does he always have to get his own way? Does he do his share of childcare and domestic work? Is this the first time you have ever refused to obey him?

If he has previously been lovely, it might be worth telling him that his attitude is not helpful, that while you have listened to his concerns, you have taken advice and you are doing the right thing, therefore the subject is not up for further discussion. If it's always been the case that he is The Man Of The House and expects you to do as you're told and know your place, I would suggest ignoring him as much as possible and doing your research about how you will manage without him. Because men who want to be obeyed are shitty partners and shitty parents and it's not worth trying to change them.

bonnymnemonic · 22/01/2018 15:26

Sorry your DH isn't being supportive. I hope it doesn't undermine your confidence.

As an aside, I had a tongue tied baby that fed well despite the tie and put on weight excellently. However, she would get fussy at the breast often and at one point was diagnosed with silent reflux. As time went on, I realised that she didn't actually suffer from reflux, she was not latched properly and so would end up swallowing air during a feed. It was this that caused her discomfort. It greatly improved at 4mths old when I had her tongue tie snipped.

It might be worth considering if this might be part of your DD's issue. Other symptoms that she was not feeding properly were clicking whilst she fed and quite messy feeding requiring muslins to constantly mop up milk.

saladdays66 · 22/01/2018 15:34

DP has threatened to leave as he can't put up with seeing DD 'suffer'.

WTF? He sounds dreadful. He should have done his research on bfing and ffing, and be supporting you how you want to feed your baby.

Does he over-react like this over other things too??

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