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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*triggering* would you leave this person in charge of your child?

87 replies

Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 18:26

Mother whose partner sexually abused daughter. Mother aware (daughter told her, partner semi-admitted) and did not end relationship and does not admit any wrong doing years later. Still with partner.

Daughter and mother NC for years. Daughter now has child (DD,3). Mother and daughter back in contact, mother still does not admit wrong doing and does not acknowledge the abuse. Mother still in relationship with abuser.

Would you leave DD (granddaughter) in mother's (grandmother) care in DD's home? Mother (grandmother) says abusive partner will not be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:13

Guardsman18 at home I assume. DD is being looked after by grandmother at DDs home, not grandmothers.

OP posts:
missymillsysmum · 21/01/2018 19:13

Not a hope in hell would my child go there!

If your friend does leave the child in the home where an abuser lives (even tho mother has 'promised' he wont be there) that social services child safeguarding teams cant assess the full risk for children without all of the pieces of the puzzle. You may not be the only person that raises a concern.
If it happens please contact them to have it noted on file.

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:16

missy it's not grandmother's home.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 21/01/2018 19:16

I'm sorry Huff, I misunderstood.

No, I just couldn't allow it. It's a horrible situation. What will be the next thing ? - if that goes well, she'll go to their house?

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:18

guardsman18 exactly. I no longer trust my friend to make a sound judgement. It's out a lot of things in to question for me with her. Before they got back in contact she always told me she'd never place DD in that position, now I'm not sure.

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 21/01/2018 19:19

No, and I would question your friend's sanity.

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 19:19

No way.

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:22

Arch she had me questioning my sanity with how normal and ok she seemed to think it was!

It was presented to me in a really nonchalant manor at an event, so caught me off guard and without my 'work' hat on.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 21/01/2018 19:24

No chance. Bet as soon as your back is turned he would be there.

Allthewaves · 21/01/2018 19:26

I rinks it's difficult tbh. She's has obviously built a relationship again with her mother - that in itself is very disfunctional. Has she convinced herself that her mother wasn't to blame for the abuse etc - some.form of coping mechanism.

shakeyourcaboose · 21/01/2018 19:30

Reading updates I'm actually quite stressed by this, please tell your friend how bloody awful this is. I know hq always say don't ever give money on this forum but id pay towards a private babysitting service for this.

Ohmyfuck · 21/01/2018 19:38

No. No. No. No. Never.

Guardsman18 · 21/01/2018 19:39

I agree shakey. Please tell your friend that she cannot do this. Please?

Stupidwife · 21/01/2018 19:44

You really have to ask this? Of course it's a no!

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:46

I'm talking it through with DH now, as to what to say and how.

Her mother hasn't been back in her life for long and she's going through lots of other emotional stuff at the moment too. It just all adds up to bad decision making.

I'm very worried for her DAD and I have to say something. I'm aware it'll likely end our friendship but it's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make if it stops DD being abused.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 21/01/2018 19:47

I wouldn't do it. Clearly the GM cannot assess risk in terms of safeguarding if she is still in relationship with the abuser.

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:47

Allthewaves I'm not sure hows she's built the relationship back up, only that there's been no apology or recognition from her mother and that it's recent.

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 19:49

Big. Fat. Fucking. NO.

Jesus.

Ohmyfuck · 21/01/2018 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillytown · 21/01/2018 19:52

No! The grandmother shouldn't be anywhere near a child, she is an absolute disgrace. And the partner should be in prison.

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:54

Ohmyfuck you aren't seriously equating the two things are you?

OP posts:
Ohmyfuck · 21/01/2018 19:55

No, I'm not. I've posted in the wrong place and don't know how to delete.

Original poster
Huffpostisapileofcrap · 21/01/2018 19:57

ohmyfuck press the three dots and report your post to MNHQ.

OP posts:
WalkingBad · 21/01/2018 20:03

No, I would not. Me & my stepsister stayed awake all night with the TV on so my dad would leave us alone. I have a little half sister I've not seen for 25 years. I had she's safe from him!!

Magicme1 · 21/01/2018 20:09

Your friend sufferered abuse from those two people, I've seen close up how damaging this can sometimes make safegaurding decision more difficult for the victim later on, it's like the abuse is so normalised because the mother has let it continue or never acknowledged any wrong doing , and the victim is blamed for "making trouble with their stories" by the abusers, I've watched it wreck someones ability to grasp what's a bad situation and what isn't.
I think your friend could do with professional help and the child definitely needs someone to speak up to keep her out of harms way

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