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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

64 replies

Sisinisawa · 21/01/2018 17:01

Eating lunch where everything is in bowls to serve yourself and there's some left over from first helpings.

A: would you like some of these?

B: no. I don't like them.

A thinks B is rude and should just say no thank you. B thinks they are just being factual.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Beansonapost · 21/01/2018 17:20

Can't see how it's rude to say

I don't want them because I don't like them.

It saves it being offered in the future doesn't it?

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2018 17:22

Depends on the relationship and who was there I think: if a social meal yes if a nuclear family dinner no

Beansonapost · 21/01/2018 17:23

Posted too soon:

This reminds me of a time MIL kept offering me cheese when I said "no thank you"...

I eventually said "no thank you, I don't like cheese" she thought I was rude.

She did stop offering after that.

DearMrDilkington · 21/01/2018 17:23

What was the food?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/01/2018 17:23

OP tell us more.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/01/2018 17:24

OP are you A or B?

If B had eaten lots of other things, just not whatever-it-was, it wasn't especially rude, but 'no thank you' would still have been better. Unless A continued to press, in which case you can hardly blame B for what they said.

CassandraCross · 21/01/2018 17:26

The bald statement made by B was rude if "thank you" had been between the 'No' and 'I' it wouldn't have been so bad. Although a polite "No, thank you" and if pressed further or felt it necessary to clarify why they didn't want what was offered an "I'm not keen on X" would have been better.

ronniescue · 21/01/2018 17:27

I'm baffled as to how anyone thinks it is rude to say you don't like something

TheBrilliantMistake · 21/01/2018 17:30

As others have suggested, it's about how it's delivered.

There's a big difference between 'No thanks, trifle isn't my cup of tea' vs 'No thanks, I don't like trifle' vs 'No thank, I don't like YOUR trifle'.

I think I would be the sort of person to say 'No thanks, trifle isn't my cup of tea' - not to be rude, but actually stimulate conversation rather than offer a succinct 'No thanks'.

All in all, I'd not read too much into it. A rude person will quickly reveal themselves in far greater ways!

MimpiDreams · 21/01/2018 17:30

I'd have said B every time. I genuinely don't understand why it's rude. On the flip side, I would want to be told if they didn't like it so that I'd know not to do it again. But then I have AS and am often confused at other peoples' discomfort with facts.

CassandraCross · 21/01/2018 17:30

It's not rude to say you don't like something it is rude if you don't thank the person making the offer whether you want what they are offering or not. It is very easy to use words to express a dislike of something without being rude and causing offence.

Original poster
Sisinisawa · 21/01/2018 17:31

Sorry to have been vague but it's a mil one and I wanted unbiased views.

I am A. B is my mil. The meal on this occasion was cooked by my DH but it's usually me.

Backstory is I find my pils hard to get on with. They are uncommunicative and sit on their phones/kindles and don't converse at all. They think this is normal.

They were visiting us for the weekend.

I usually ignore their behaviour although I find it hard when they're ignoring the children who are trying to show them something.

But. If I offer mil food she always says "no I don't like it" if she doesn't want any. It's in a fairly rude tone but that isn't intentional I know. But I still find it rude.

I never say it to her even if I hate something. I decline politely.

I don't plan on saying anything to her I just wondered if maybe it's not considered rude. I was brought up very "properly" so sometimes am out of step with the majority view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisinisawa · 21/01/2018 17:32

Mimpi interestingly I also have ASD.

OP posts:
MrsLinManuelMiranda · 21/01/2018 17:33

It sounds like A may be taking it too personally. For example I don't like sausage rolls, if I said I didn't like them it would not be meant as a personal snub to your cooking, but just a general fact that I dislike the item offered itms!

Viviennemary · 21/01/2018 17:38

I think it's rude to say you don't like something. Just say no thank you. We tell our DC's not to say oh yuck I don't eat that accompanied by rude face. No thank you is quite enough.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 21/01/2018 17:38

Is it me? But what the fuck is rude with saying “ no, I don’t like them” Would it be more or less polite to say ‘yes” and then leave the food?

If I didn’t like something that was offered, I’d say “ no thank you” And I don’t understand why I’d be considered rude for being honest.

Wayfarersonbaby · 21/01/2018 17:39

Depends on the tone of voice! I'm northern and it wouldn't at all be a rude thing to say in my family (or home town), just factual.

My DH's family would probably find it rude though, they have all sorts of unwritten things you are not allowed to do/say (eg. it's "rude" to send back something in a restaurant under any circumstances even if the wrong order has arrived; it's "rude" to ask someone what they would like for their birthday/Christmas -- or, even worse, to "hint" that you might like something; it's "rude" to get in touch with someone direct to ask if they can come to a spacial occasion or a party, this must be done via stealth through more "senior" relatives....and so on Confused)

Wayfarersonbaby · 21/01/2018 17:40

Ah, the way you've described it sounds rude to me, though!

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 17:41

I would have said "No thank you I don't like ....."

SaucyJack · 21/01/2018 17:41

"But. If I offer mil food she always says "no I don't like it" if she doesn't want any. It's in a fairly rude tone but that isn't intentional I know. But I still find it rude."

Maybe you keep on offering her the food she doesn't like, and she's just being blunt to stop you wasting your time cooking and serving it for her in future?

I'm not a fussy eater, but I cannot abide fucking marzipan/Battenburg, and it's easier just to point it out right from the off rather than have people keep offending me by suggesting I put that hideous filth anywhere near my person.

peachgreen · 21/01/2018 17:45

I would phrase it differently but I think it's fine to say "no thanks, I'm actually not a big fan of carrots" or whatever as now you'll know not to cook those for MIL again (or to offer an alternative or whatever).

sandragreen · 21/01/2018 17:48

It sounds like A is desperate to find fault with B

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/01/2018 17:49

I would put it a bit differently but I would be honest if I didn’t like something as I find that if you just say ‘no thanks’ people still try and get you to eat it.

Baileyscheesecake · 21/01/2018 17:52

As as rule of thumb I would say if it is something that has been prepared - like a dip - I would just say "no thank you" because someone has put in time and effort into preparing it. But if it is an item, like olives or pickled onions, then I can't see what is rude about saying you don't like them. People have different tastes and you can't expect everyone to like everything. But then even if it was a dip that someone has prepared I think it's acceptable to say "Sorry, I'm sure it's very nice but it's got onions (for example) in it which I don't like so I won't have any thank you." At least then the host knows for next time what your likes and dislikes are.

CassandraCross · 21/01/2018 17:55

Priscilla Not one poster on here is suggesting people say yes to food that is offered if they don't want or like it and for you to leap to that conclusion is baffling.

What people are saying is the way in which the refusal was delivered is rude, you would not be considered rude as you have stated you would use the words 'thank you' before the words 'I don't like X'.

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