Is this rude?

[Sisinisawa]

Eating lunch where everything is in bowls to serve yourself and there's some left over from first helpings.

A: would you like some of these?

B: no. I don't like them.

A thinks B is rude and should just say no thank you. B thinks they are just being factual.

What do you think?

[Voice0fReason]

For the record, they were roasted parsnips and carrots in a bowl. I know she doesn't like parsnips but thought she might like the carrots, BUT I was only offering out of politeness anyway because I wanted to eat them.
If I was cooking parsnips and carrots for someone who doesn't like parsnips, I would have put them in separate bowls.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone that you don't like a particular food when it's referring to something like parsnips - especially when it's someone who may be cooking for you again in the future! Most nice people would take that into consideration and either not cook it, or at least serve it separately and not make a point of offering it.

You offer her something you know she doesn't like and then complain she is rude when she says she doesn't like it. All sounds a bit of a dig from you.

[BackforGood]

Can't you see though, that if someone (or a couple) are likely to be cooking for you regularly - be that twice a year or every week, but it's likely to be for many years to come - that it would be better for them to know if there is something you don't like, rather than you being served it regularly and having to push it round your plate, swallow it down, or go hungry ?
Just because that is what you were taught, doesn't make it the only way.
If you are offended by this, then I suspect it goes deeper than the wording of the refusal of veg.

[peachgreen]

So you already know she doesn't like them - so presumably she's told you before? So I don't think it's unreasonable of her to remind you!

[Sisinisawa]

Baby - it's just how they hang out. In silence. Staring at a screen.

I find it really odd but I think they just like companionable hanging out as though we lived together.

I tend now to just ignore it and do my own thing.


For the record, they were roasted parsnips and carrots in a bowl. I know she doesn't like parsnips but thought she might like the carrots, BUT I was only offering out of politeness anyway because I wanted to eat them. Which she knew, because I always hoover up anything left.

I wasn't expecting her to eat anything she didn't like. My issue is not with her not wanting them, it's with the way she declined. I was taught to say "no thank you" and never to say "I don't like it".

[Dementedswan]

My 7 and 6 year olds would say no thank you but please may I have xxx instead. Or they would take a small piece and try it.

[babyccinoo]

Start doing it to her, maybe she will realise.

And if the food is in bowls, don't offer any, let her serve herself.

Why do they even bother coming over if they are just on their tablets?

[BackforGood]

I don't think it's rude in DiL / MiL scenario. Indeed, it's very sensible. Presumably, with an 'extended family relationship', you and dh are going to be cooking for her for the next 20 years or so. If she doesn't like {let's just say, for the sake of argument} sprouts, then it makes MUCH more sense for you to know she doesn't like sprouts, than for you to continue to cook them every time she visits for the next 20 years. If she just says "no Thank you" you might either just think she is full up on that occasion, or (as so many on MN are so easily offended) that she doesn't like the way you cook them. By saying she doesn't like them, it's clear it's her taste, and is nothing to do with your cooking, and that next time she is over, it would be a waste for you to do her a big portion as she won't eat them the next time, or the time after that, etc.

If I were eating somewhere as a one off, then it wouldn't matter so much, but that's not the case with someone that is likely to be your guest over and over again - when it makes sense to let them know your likes and dislikes.

[ZoopDragon]

I don't think it's rude, if between family or close friends. If I'd cooked the meal I'd want to know which bits people liked/disliked- I appreciate honest feedback so I know for next time.

[Eveforever]

My daughter is a B person. She's quite blunt by nature as she believes it is important to be honest; which is fair enough. I, however, do wish she could say things more politely, after all good manners cost nothing. As I love her and she's an adolescent, I normally give her a pass. People have a point when they say family members should be comfortable to say what think, but by the same token it's a bit shit when family members think they don't have to be courteous towards you. Saying the occasional please and thank you isn't that difficult.

[mumeeee]

Doesn't sound rude to me. She declined that particular food becauase she didn't like them not because she thought thw cooking was bad. I think you are being too sensitive Op

[Quartz2208]

Did she know her son had made them or does she think you did?

[IAmSamSamlAm]

Is she the bacon/ tea MIL? If so, she's really winding you up this weekend!

[tobee]

To me it's extremely rude. Just say "no, thank you". These people are adults. They should know better. I would be pretty horrified if I child spoke like that.

[CassandraCross]

Priscilla Not one poster on here is suggesting people say yes to food that is offered if they don't want or like it and for you to leap to that conclusion is baffling.

What people are saying is the way in which the refusal was delivered is rude, you would not be considered rude as you have stated you would use the words 'thank you' before the words 'I don't like X'.

[Baileyscheesecake]

As as rule of thumb I would say if it is something that has been prepared - like a dip - I would just say "no thank you" because someone has put in time and effort into preparing it. But if it is an item, like olives or pickled onions, then I can't see what is rude about saying you don't like them. People have different tastes and you can't expect everyone to like everything. But then even if it was a dip that someone has prepared I think it's acceptable to say "Sorry, I'm sure it's very nice but it's got onions (for example) in it which I don't like so I won't have any thank you." At least then the host knows for next time what your likes and dislikes are.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I would put it a bit differently but I would be honest if I didn’t like something as I find that if you just say ‘no thanks’ people still try and get you to eat it.

[sandragreen]

It sounds like A is desperate to find fault with B

[peachgreen]

I would phrase it differently but I think it's fine to say "no thanks, I'm actually not a big fan of carrots" or whatever as now you'll know not to cook those for MIL again (or to offer an alternative or whatever).

[SaucyJack]

"But. If I offer mil food she always says "no I don't like it" if she doesn't want any. It's in a fairly rude tone but that isn't intentional I know. But I still find it rude."

Maybe you keep on offering her the food she doesn't like, and she's just being blunt to stop you wasting your time cooking and serving it for her in future?

I'm not a fussy eater, but I cannot abide fucking marzipan/Battenburg, and it's easier just to point it out right from the off rather than have people keep offending me by suggesting I put that hideous filth anywhere near my person.

[MsHarry]

I would have said "No thank you I don't like ....."

[Wayfarersonbaby]

Ah, the way you've described it sounds rude to me, though!

[Wayfarersonbaby]

Depends on the tone of voice! I'm northern and it wouldn't at all be a rude thing to say in my family (or home town), just factual.

My DH's family would probably find it rude though, they have all sorts of unwritten things you are not allowed to do/say (eg. it's "rude" to send back something in a restaurant under any circumstances even if the wrong order has arrived; it's "rude" to ask someone what they would like for their birthday/Christmas -- or, even worse, to "hint" that you might like something; it's "rude" to get in touch with someone direct to ask if they can come to a spacial occasion or a party, this must be done via stealth through more "senior" relatives....and so on )

[PricillaQueenOfTheDesert]

Is it me? But what the fuck is rude with saying “ no, I don’t like them” Would it be more or less polite to say ‘yes” and then leave the food?

If I didn’t like something that was offered, I’d say “ no thank you” And I don’t understand why I’d be considered rude for being honest.

[Viviennemary]

I think it's rude to say you don't like something. Just say no thank you. We tell our DC's not to say oh yuck I don't eat that accompanied by rude face. No thank you is quite enough.