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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask when you knew your marriage/relationship was over

23 replies

Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 15:57

Been with DH 16 years now and the past year or two have definitely not been easy - he is a nice guy but we seem to be bringing the worst out i each other . I don’t think fatherhood hasn’t been easy for him either (though he is a great father)

DH was my best friend for years before we were in a relationship and got married and the only man I have been with.

I know all relationship go through tough patches but when do you decide it’s no longer a rough patch but end of the road ?

OP posts:
BekoLeGecko · 21/01/2018 16:01

Broadly speaking... when you're asking this question.

For me personally I just sort of stopped caring in a way. At first we argued. Then I didn't even care enough to do that. We started living seperate lives. I had the occasional pang but mostly everything was just flat. I still loved him in a way, I just didn't really care about him anymore. It sounds horrible but that's what happened.

TrinitySquirrel · 21/01/2018 16:08

I think when I went to reply on another thread lastnight about what annoys me about my DH and then looked at the list.

Going to have a talk with him this week and see what he feels. It would be the cherry on top of a very shit 18 month stretch of cake that we've been having.

Realised I'm exhausted with it all and not looking after myself anymore.

Original poster
Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 16:10

Becko that’s it - I still love him but it all feels so much effort but I also worry about the effect r would have on my DD she is adopted and also has anxiety and abandonment issues. I just feel so lost .
DH refuses to even discuss it

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/01/2018 16:16

I think you should post on Relationships OP. With something like your second response. I think you'll just get post after post just answering your first question here and it seems like you need to thrash it out a bit in more detail than that.

thisisminnie · 21/01/2018 16:22

In a similar situation with my DH. He won’t talk about it, I feel sad and tired all the time, but it doesn’t seem bad enough to break up the family.

So I don’t have any answers but wanted to say you’re not alone

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/01/2018 16:23

In my first marriage I knew it was over the day I woke up and wondered what I was doing with such a jerk. It had taken 18 months or so of increasing difficulties between us to get to that point, but that day I had that moment of clarity and just knew. It was slightly less complicated as we didn’t have DCs, but it still felt like a mountain to dig through to get out. I suspect if we had DCs it would have limped along for another year or two, but I think the end was inevitable. Once the respect has gone there’s no real place left to go. Flowers hope you feel some resolution either way soon.

Original poster
Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 16:36

thisisminnie that’s just it - it doesn’t seem big enough to break up the family but at the same time it’s making me sad. The things we argue about are trivial and mostly Erupt when DD is being diifcult -
I think the best way I can describe it is I don’t feel like we are a team anymore and we had always been a team.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 16:42

slightky thanks - with us having been together as long as we have I wonder if we will ever get that clarity or if it will always be murky 😞

OP posts:
Greyponcho · 21/01/2018 16:45

Family counselling then perhaps? If his behaviour changes when hers does, sounds like it’s in everyone’s interests to get things addressed.
Sounds like you might need to sell it to him that it’s for her benefit?

Original poster
Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 16:51

greyponcho good idea! Thanks ! I will look up counselling services in our area and sell it to him that it’s in DDs best interests.

OP posts:
sillywonka · 21/01/2018 17:18

When my fiancé came home and told me she was pregnant and that it wasn't mine.

Donnerkebabbler · 21/01/2018 17:26

I knew it was over but what made me leave was a long time colleague telling me about a woman she used to work with who was lively, vivacious, funny but she’d dulled over the years. And the worse thing was that woman’s son had never known the lively, vivacious, funny woman. I realised the woman was me. I’m indebted to that work colleague.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/01/2018 17:33

If it’s any help my (current) DH and I found the toddler years with our 2nd DS extremely challenging and it definitely had an negative impact on our relationship. As that phase passed though things really improved and a few years on everything is great again. I wonder if the difficulties your DD is having are causing a similar situation? Probably worth exploring anyway.

happilyeverafta · 21/01/2018 17:42

The day he told me he'd had a one night stand with a colleague, and she was pregnant.

It was the same day we were due to go for our first IVF treatment as I couldn't conceive his very much longed for child/reb.

TheSnowFairy · 21/01/2018 17:44

How old is your DD?

Agree with pp it can be v hard with young children.

LittleCandle · 21/01/2018 17:46

When I found out he was cheating and he wouldn't come home to talk about it (he was working abroad). The last, final straw was when he repeated a joke someone had told him in an email. I told him not to bother coming home and packed up all his stuff. apart from his kilt, which I held hostage for a while

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 21/01/2018 17:46

When I had the bed to myself for a night and realised I never wanted to share it with him again.

Original poster
Whisperingwinds · 21/01/2018 17:48

slightly DD is now 6 - she has always been demanding and difficult - we are in the process of getting an assessment for possible anxiety for her. Parenting has definitely not been easy - love DD to the moon and back - I do think however it would be easier if DH and I were in sync. I want to find out rhythm back but don’t know how

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 21/01/2018 17:52

When I told him that it was marriage counselling or split, and he insisted on choosing the counsellor but refused to tell me how much it cost. Turned out it was £16k upfront for 12 sessions, paid for from an account I knew nothing about, and he forged my signature on the contract to stop me finding the truth. Kind of made the counselling pointless.

Badhairday1001 · 21/01/2018 17:52

I think it was when I didn't want to try to sort things out anymore, I was too exhausted. I also used to wish that he would have an affair so I had a reason to end it. I realised at that point that feeling that way was enough of a reason to separate.

Sarahh2014 · 21/01/2018 18:00

When I stopped caring and started to talk to other men online I ended it

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/01/2018 18:47

Whispering I wasn’t sure how old your DD is, but I would imagine that difficult behaviour can occur at many ages for lots of reasons especially if a child’s early years have been troubled, and the longer it goes on the harder it can be on a marriage/relationship. (We are about to enter the teenage years so we may find we get the same sort of pattern again). Really hope that whatever you decide things work out for you and your DD.

HisBetterHalf · 21/01/2018 18:49

When the thought of him not sharing my future didnt bother me

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