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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be gutted by what this has come to with my mum?

58 replies

HarrisonWellWhyNot · 21/01/2018 11:04

I've been with my wife for 4 years married 1yr. She is currently pregnant with our first child (which we're so happy about)
My mum has never really liked her I think. my wife tried to make the best of it and while she avoided direct confrontation it got to the point where my wife refused to speak with her unless it was absolutely necessary. This came about at the time where my mum wished my wife dead (she said this to my grandmother who sent the messages on to me as she felt I should see them). I confronted my mum about it hoping to be given a reason and she just went "well, it's true. I've never liked the girl" my mums reason for hating my wife have always been a mystery to me. I've tried to talk to her about it. But imo the vitriol towards my wife was completely unacceptable.
We moved to be near my mum several years after my mum moved hours away when I was 16 and left me with my grandmother. My wife wasn't on the picture at this time but I just want to give background.

For the first 3 months I lived near my mum I spent a fair bit of time with her - my wife came sometimes, too. They'd have a laugh and a joke and all was well until one day my mums attitude to her totally switched. Nothing that either of us can think of ha happened. I was always there with them when they were around each other (but did spend time with mum alone too) and I can't think of anything remotely bad my wife has done....

Anyway, Thats when the "I wish she'd died when x happened" comment came about... I've tried and tried to find the reason behind it but couldn't. In the end we moved away spending only 6.5 months living near my mum. Then the vitriol started.
She went around the family saying my wife was abusing me. I had lots of worried contact from friends and family saying "are you sure things between you and *wifename are ok?" My mum had made up so much stuff. For reference my wife and I are a perfectly equal couple, I'm not abused and I love her very much. We've never had so much as an argument in front of my mum so for her to say I'm abused was truly laughable. But it hurt my wife greatly to be seen in that way.

Since then. My mum and I would have the odd strained text conversation. Today she text me (I'm at work but it's v slow so I'm able to be on my phone). We had the standard "hi how are you?" And she asked me how work was going. Then out of the blue she made a very hurtful comment about my wife's appearance. I just said

look, I'm not dealing with this attitude. That was both untrue and uncalled for, I'll speak to you another time as work is getting busy again now.

(It wasn't I just didn't want to deal with her shit). Out of the blue she's blocked me on all social media and hasn't responded to my text. I think she's just decided to cut me off because I won't come around to her way of thinking.

I remember when my mum used to be supportive and lovely and fun when I was a child. Never a dull moment and always there for me. I probably sound pathetic as an adult approaching 30 but this really hurts.
Aibu to be gutted it's come to this? I rationally know it's a good thing but I feel like I'm grieving a loss.

OP posts:
mumofmadams · 21/01/2018 11:22

YANBU to be hurt by this. I haven’t spoken to my dad since I was 16 (for a number of reasons) and it still hurts now I’m 30, knowing my parent doesn’t care about me. It definitely sounds like you’re better off without her in your life, but it’s okay to mourn the relationship you had.
It’s so refreshing to read how supportive you’ve been of your wife, you sound like a lovely couple. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace with the situation and always remember you did the right thing.

JustDanceAddict · 21/01/2018 11:26

Your mum sounds bitter and jealous of your wife tbh.not sure what advice to give, but I would let her stew for a bit and don’t text etc. She might come round, but if not, her loss. Hurtful to you, but you can’t change people’s reactions to things.

MoseShrute · 21/01/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarryTheKestrel · 21/01/2018 11:28

YANBU at all. She is being utterly vile to your wife and is dragging you into it and blaming you for not agreeing with her. You are 100% better off NC with her and I'm sure your wife will feel much happier knowing that you support her in being as far as possible from someone spouting such hate about her.

I am NC with my father and have been for years. There are still times it really hurts, mainly that he doesn't and hasn't ever cared. Since having DC it's been worse because my DD deserves a full family and having a grandad who knows of her existence (through other family members) but hates me so much he also by default hates her, it's awful. But we are all so much better off without his toxic influence in our lives.

You will be better off without her toxic influence in your lives.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 21/01/2018 11:28

Your mum sounds horrid Sad. It wouldn't matter to me if I didn't particularly like one of my dc's partners, as long as they were happy, and I would be at pains not to let them know, so her behaviour is ver y off and self destructive. Could your mum maybe have some mental health issues? (Only excuse I can think of)
It doesn't make sense. She is ruining her relationship with you and denying herself the chance to see her grandchildren. Do you have other siblings?

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 21/01/2018 11:28

I wouldn’t speak to my mother if she was like that about my partner.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 11:31

how sad for you. But I agree. Put in the boundaries then it is up to your mum as to whether she wants to be in your life or not.

Worldsworstcook · 21/01/2018 11:41

I would say though that you should contact the people dm has been slagging your wife off to and state your case. There's no smoke without fire sticks in people's minds. I'd be saying your wife is a fantastic, warm, living woman who has done nothing to warrant this malicious and nasty attention and she makes you very very happy. A word in the right ears can filter through the ranks and bring the people that matter back on side. I'd be going NC.

As for me I'm in your wife's position. My mil met me one day after I went to church, age 19, bow in hair (I'm not lying), 3/4 length pleated skirt, silk blouse - after I called on her son to go for ice cream. She opened the door and I asked very nicely if he was home - she called my now DH and said there's some whore at the door looking for you .....

Needless to say it went downhill from there - I try not to take it personally but despise her just as much. She even sold her house and spent the proceeds so 'that bitch won't get a penny from me'. Ironically his dad liked me and would roll in his grave if he knew how she had treated us the last 25 years.

Blackteadrinker77 · 21/01/2018 11:48

You sound lovely, no advice on your Mum but well done for standing up for what is right.

HotelEuphoria · 21/01/2018 11:56

It isn't your wife, it's any wife. Whoever you had chosen she would be this way with, does she look at her and you and wish she had had a similar relationship?

ObscuredbyFog · 21/01/2018 12:01

Thank-you for being objective in this awful situation and seeing it for what it is.

You and your wife deserve happiness together and you will need to continue as you are with your Mother, telling her that her behaviour towards your wife is not acceptable and if she cannot be pleasant to your wife, your contact with your mother will become less and less.

Your mother has caused this because she's been verbally abusive and horrible about your wife. there's a grandchild in the near future, congratulations by the way Flowers
It's very important now that you spell out your mother's role to her with what you will and will not accept in terms of her access to her first grandchild.

Do not in any way let her engineer situations where she can upset your wife by being at the birth or immediately afterwards the hospital staff need to be told to keep her away. read some previous threads to see dreadful MIL behaviour, especially around grandchildren and you'll soon see your mother is not the only one.

Schlimbesserung · 21/01/2018 12:02

You've got it covered. You have your wife and your grandmother and soon enough you will have a child. Don't waste your time thinking about your mother if you can help it, she isn't capable of being the person you want her to be.
Don't let her taint this time, she has made her choices and she is ultimately the one who will suffer for them.

ptumbi · 21/01/2018 12:04

She's blocked you? She is cutting off her nose to spite you.

Let her. Ignore her. It sounds to me as if she wants to be the central figure in your life - now you have a wife AND a child on the way, she is being pushed further and further back in your life. (As it should be)

Once the baby is here, she will fall over herself trying to blame te 'split' on your wife and insinuating herself between to, to get at the child. Watch for this.

Otherwise, she is an adult - if she wants to talk to you, she knows where you are.

Watch out for your wife and child. They are your priorities.

Stop trying to overthink this. Let DM get on with her power games (watch out for flying monkeys from the wider family - 'I am fine, we are looking forward to our first child' and repeat.)

Be prepared for if Dm starts to come back with 'desperately ill', 'possible cancer' histrionics etc.

And FGS don't let your wife think that you put your mum first in this. SHE is your family now. Which could include your Mum, if she wasn't acting batshit crazy and abusive.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2018 12:27

You sound like a smashing young man, and your wife lovely.
This is a sad situation, but unfortunately, you can't change the ways, or thinking, of your poisonous Mother.
I think you just have to ride it out, you haven't done anything wrong, only been honourable, when she verbally slagged off your wife.
Take the power away from your Mother, and remain dignified and keep away, it might be hard, but it's in your best interests.
In time she may feel her loss, and get in touch, wait and see.

kaitlinktm · 21/01/2018 12:30

I feel like I'm grieving a loss.

You are grieving a loss - it is like a bereavement when the lovely, supportive parent you knew and loved becomes filled with hate - to the point of wanting to kill the person closest to you. Your mother does sound a bit unhinged as this has literally come from nowhere.

I am older than I presume your mother to be and I can tell you now that she will regret this - especially as I don't see how you can let someone who has expressed such violent hate towards your wife have access to your child.

The hardest thing is to do nothing - but really, as far as she is concerned, that is what I feel is the best thing to do. By all means reach out to some of the people she has slandered your wife to, but any attempts at reconciliation must come from her, and any access to her GC must come with a proviso about how she treats and talks about your wife.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2018 12:34

She's blocked you?

Good. Keep it that way.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 21/01/2018 12:37

You’re mum is a bitch. I’d be going nc.

Missingstreetlife · 21/01/2018 12:38

Your mum sounds not well? As long as she is not isolated and has someone to check on her I would leave her a while to think.
It is grief, for what might have been, hasn't she always been erratic?
Look after yourselves for now, maybe the baby will make a difference better or worse, and you can decide whether to try to make up, or go nx
Best wishes

waitingforlifetostart · 21/01/2018 12:39

Is this a same sex relationship? Could it be that your mum can't cope with that? She sounds horrible to be honest. I would just distance yourself and send her a letter saying the door is open IF she changes her attitude. In the letter ask her what kind of mum would act like this when their child is clearly happy in a relationship.

If she won't change then you have to choose. wife/child or your mum. In this case there sounds like there's always been issues with your mum - she left you at 16.

FrancisCrawford · 21/01/2018 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAgainYoda · 21/01/2018 12:46

I wonder if the crux of this is whatever led to your mum moving away when you were 16. That's an unusual thing for a parent to do and I would guess that whatever it was is part of whatever the reason your mum is so irrational (--lly jealous?) now.

It's not your fault, it's not your wife's fault and it sounds like your mum may have mental health issues

I think you need to protect yourself by distancing yourself and I's also suggest psychotherapy for you if you need emotional supposrt in understanding and coming to terms with the fact that your mum is/has let you down in this way

NotAgainYoda · 21/01/2018 12:51

Time and again, parents who are going to 'turn' do so when a couple moves to a deeper level of commitment like getting married or having children. I think that triggers something about their own experience and its roots lie in jealousy.

But you can't do anything about that. Anyone reacting in this way just needs boundaries laid for them and the hope that they'll realise how destructive they are being

Pearlsaringer · 21/01/2018 12:54

Also thought this might be a same sex marriage from the way the op is written. Not in any way excusing DM’s behaviour but maybe she just can’t cope with it. Not your problem.

I would say be loyal to your wife and put her first as you are doing, but try to keep a channel of communication open with your mum, strictly on your terms of course. She may come round.

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 12:57

any attempts at reconciliation must come from her, and any access to her GC must come with a proviso about how she treats and talks about your wife.

I'd say any attempts at reconciliation should be firmly turned down as any future relationship with your mum would likely be full of difficulties caused by her.

It's understandable you are grieving the loss of the mother you should have. As she's decided not to be that, however, it's best to close the door.

ToothTrauma · 21/01/2018 12:57

You sound like a great husband. I’m sorry your Mum is like this. Flowers You are doing the right thing but I know how much it hurts. I had to cut off contact with my ‘father’ at 21 after years of abusive behaviour including telling other family members lies about me. I understand how you feel.