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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be gutted by what this has come to with my mum?

58 replies

HarrisonWellWhyNot · 21/01/2018 11:04

I've been with my wife for 4 years married 1yr. She is currently pregnant with our first child (which we're so happy about)
My mum has never really liked her I think. my wife tried to make the best of it and while she avoided direct confrontation it got to the point where my wife refused to speak with her unless it was absolutely necessary. This came about at the time where my mum wished my wife dead (she said this to my grandmother who sent the messages on to me as she felt I should see them). I confronted my mum about it hoping to be given a reason and she just went "well, it's true. I've never liked the girl" my mums reason for hating my wife have always been a mystery to me. I've tried to talk to her about it. But imo the vitriol towards my wife was completely unacceptable.
We moved to be near my mum several years after my mum moved hours away when I was 16 and left me with my grandmother. My wife wasn't on the picture at this time but I just want to give background.

For the first 3 months I lived near my mum I spent a fair bit of time with her - my wife came sometimes, too. They'd have a laugh and a joke and all was well until one day my mums attitude to her totally switched. Nothing that either of us can think of ha happened. I was always there with them when they were around each other (but did spend time with mum alone too) and I can't think of anything remotely bad my wife has done....

Anyway, Thats when the "I wish she'd died when x happened" comment came about... I've tried and tried to find the reason behind it but couldn't. In the end we moved away spending only 6.5 months living near my mum. Then the vitriol started.
She went around the family saying my wife was abusing me. I had lots of worried contact from friends and family saying "are you sure things between you and *wifename are ok?" My mum had made up so much stuff. For reference my wife and I are a perfectly equal couple, I'm not abused and I love her very much. We've never had so much as an argument in front of my mum so for her to say I'm abused was truly laughable. But it hurt my wife greatly to be seen in that way.

Since then. My mum and I would have the odd strained text conversation. Today she text me (I'm at work but it's v slow so I'm able to be on my phone). We had the standard "hi how are you?" And she asked me how work was going. Then out of the blue she made a very hurtful comment about my wife's appearance. I just said

look, I'm not dealing with this attitude. That was both untrue and uncalled for, I'll speak to you another time as work is getting busy again now.

(It wasn't I just didn't want to deal with her shit). Out of the blue she's blocked me on all social media and hasn't responded to my text. I think she's just decided to cut me off because I won't come around to her way of thinking.

I remember when my mum used to be supportive and lovely and fun when I was a child. Never a dull moment and always there for me. I probably sound pathetic as an adult approaching 30 but this really hurts.
Aibu to be gutted it's come to this? I rationally know it's a good thing but I feel like I'm grieving a loss.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 21/01/2018 13:05

It sounds like your mum has engineered a row to me. Now when she's not the doting granny she can blame your wife for not letting her see her see you or your child, rather than having to admit she was vile to your wife and you stood up to her.

toldmywrath · 21/01/2018 13:10

Sorry OP,but could you just provide clarity on this part of your original post?

We moved to be near my mum several years after my mum moved hours away when I was 16 and left me with my grandmother. My wife wasn't on the picture at this time but I just want to give background.

For the first 3 months I lived near my mum I spent a fair bit of time with her - my wife came sometimes, too

Did you meet your wife at age 16 then?

I don't understand why you are still communicating with your mother after the vitriol she has poured out about your wife. How does you wife feel about you having remained in contact?

Snowman123 · 21/01/2018 13:15

Your mum seems to have a distorted vision of reality and may even be suffering from mental health issues.

I think you should leave her alone. Her behaviour isn't acceptable. I would maybe send her a note telling her how hurt you are by her behaviour telling her exactly why, pointing out your wife's great points (including telling her that you have never been a victim of abuse and any such claims are ridiculous) and saying that the door is open for your mum to be part of your life, but only if her attitude towards your wife changes.

Then the ball's in her court.

Aspergallus · 21/01/2018 13:32

Never a dull moment...leaving you with gran at 16...the lies and drama...blocking you in sm...your mum has some personality issues doesn't she? You know you can still love her for the good stuff and accept she isn't perfect, nor a particularly good person to have in your life..let it go, let her go. Have minimal, civil/polite contact. Ignore everything else. Invest in your family going forward.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 21/01/2018 13:37

My MiL was like this. We went NC. Life is so much better now.

GrooovyLass · 21/01/2018 13:37

This sounds very familiar on mn but it's usually the wife doing the op. I'm so glad you're supporting your DW and my best advice would be to block your mother back and get on with your life with your new family x

tiptopteepe · 21/01/2018 13:39

YANBU to be hurt but actually shes done you a favour. This woman is not being supportive of you and clearly does not care about your happiness. You sound like you have a good marriage and are otherwise happy so honestly id just let her flounce off if she wants to.
It will hurt because she is your mother and really should give more of a shit about your happiness but clearly shes just a very self absorbed person. You are in no way to blame for this and you have behaved amazingly throughout, defending your wife and standing your ground. You have tried to find out the reasons and discuss it in a sensible manner but you cant force your mother to behave well. She just sounds like a very toxic person. Im sorry you are going through this. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 21/01/2018 13:39

She's blocked you? Good. Just enjoy the peace and lack of stress. You and your DW just snuggle down and get ready for your new baby.

But be prepared for the flying monkeys. Those are friends and relatives that your mother will enlist to contact you to find out why you are being so 'mean' to your 'poor mother'. Ignore them.

OfficerGrant · 21/01/2018 13:42

You sound lovely! So nice to hear a dh supporting his wife in the face of unhinged Mil behaviour!
You are a team, stick together.
Grandparents still need to be fully functional so don't worry about your kids missing out. Good luck

RippleEffect1 · 21/01/2018 13:47

Other than stand by your wife, there isn't a lot you can do unfortunately. You cannot change her or her opinion of your wife. She may appear to change when she realises that you will not accept her behaviour but that will be temporary. Scratch the surface and it will still be there.

Don't worry about the people she has lied to, the best approach to this is to do as pp said, tell one person who will see that it is filtered down to the others. Given enough time, your DM will do the work for you, crazy people can't hide it for long and eventually she will leave no doubt in others minds that she is the problem and not your wife.

Catsize · 21/01/2018 13:52

Are you male or female OP?

Original poster
HarrisonWellWhyNot · 21/01/2018 13:54

To clarify a few things - I met my wife when we were 20 (didn't immediately start dating) what I meant by what I said in the OP was my mum left when I was 16 but my wife wasn't on the scene so it's not relevant to their relationship if you know what I mean.
Then years later we moved and were near her, then moved away after it became apparent that not only were there better opportunities elsewhere my mum wasn't a deciding factor in us staying but was in us going as she was so nasty.

This isn't a same sex relationship.
I continued to communicate with my mother from a distance as I love her, or at least who she used to be and I hope she'd have a lightbulb moment. That hasn't happened.
My wife refuses to directly deal with my mother but has said that I'm free to do as I wish as she recognises that she can't make the choice for me and that pushing me to do so wouldn't be fair.

I had a reasonably good childhood and my mum and I were very close - not least because my dad walked out when I was small (3 months old I think) never to be seen again so my mum was both parents and bloody good at it too. I understand her reasons for going which I won't delve into here, we kept in contact but she has clearly changed substantially and I am very much hurting because of that. Thank you for the supportive words.

OP posts:
JaneyEJones · 21/01/2018 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeanne16 · 21/01/2018 14:10

Is it possible your Mum is suffering from dementia? It can make people lash out and say horrible things.

PuppyMonkey · 21/01/2018 14:10

I’m not in any way excusing your mum OP but donyou think it might be possible your wife innocently asked a question or made a comment or something that really touched a nerve with your mum? Maybe something about your childhood that your DW didn’t know might be a “don’t go there” subject?

I think leave your mum to it now TBH. But I’d also try and set the record straight about your DW with those she has been talking to.

Gemini69 · 21/01/2018 14:11

she is Bitter and Twisted and Jealous OP Flowers

close the door x

Cindie943811A · 21/01/2018 14:12

Natural for you to grieve the loss of the close relationship you once had with your mother OP. You have done all you can to keep the peace whilst supporting your DW so you have nothing to reproach yourself about. No woman could possible meet your DM’s criterium because in her eyes she comes between her and you.
Now all you can do is to leave it to your DM to make apologetic overtures. Compose a note for your other family members telling them that any nc is on your DM’s side and contrary to what she may say that the ball is in her court to accept you and your DW as a loving couple. Maybe someone else can help her see the error of her ways.
Good luck

Tistheseason17 · 21/01/2018 14:15

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

She has gone NC as a way of controlling the situation. It is likely you would have gone NC as a result of her behaviour so she has done it first - a nasty lady I am afraid. Very jealous of your DW and the love you have for her and the pending arrival. Prob jealous of your entire set up as thinks she should have been that happy. Some people cannot be happy for others and become resentful and bitter.

So pleased your GM shared the messages your DM has sent - she knows what your DM is doing and does not approve.

Keep doing what you are doing by putting your DW first and when your DC arrives it will all fall into place. It is your DM loss. I would still be wary if she did get back in contact as it's unlikely she's had a personality transplant in this period.

Take care with your DM as she is toxic.

You will grieve. It took me many years to get over behaviour like this from my DM. You are actually grieving for the relationship you think you should have and which you will never actually have. You will do what many others have done which is develop the relationship with your wife and child that you feel you should have had. And this is the best reward - believe me Flowers

chocolateworshipper · 21/01/2018 14:35

My own Mum is quite similar to yours by the sound of it. It took a lot of therapy, but I eventually chose to have a relationship with her (mainly because she's a good GM despite being a crap Mum), but ON MY TERMS. I didn't tell her this, but I put my own barriers up and somehow she could tell that I'd changed and wasn't prepared to put up with her shit any more.

As for her blocking you - it reminds me of a quote I saw on Facebook: "it's like the trash taking itself out"

Failingat40 · 21/01/2018 15:03

Sorry to hear this, you have certainly suffered a loss. She's no longer the same person you had when you were growing up.

I think it comes down to jealousy and very likely that your lovely wife has triggered a deep insecurity in your Mum. Her becoming pregnant seems to have strengthened her feelings of hatred towards your wife, again, possible twisted jealousy.

It's also possible that your Mother Mum has a mental illness. My sister has BPD and can act completely petty and cuts people off for no reason (the reason in her head).

Keep standing by your wife, she is your future now, not your mother.

Speak to family and without getting nasty about your mother, just state matter of factly what she has done and that it's untrue what she has been saying.

It's not your wife's fault this has happened either, it would have happened regardless of who you married.

diddl · 21/01/2018 15:13

I'm surprised that you still had contact with her tbh.

She wished your wife dead & told people that your wife was abusing you. Obviously things are difficult for you, but if I was your wife I would have felt like leaving you at that point if you still wanted anything to do with your mother.

Well, she has made the decision & I hope that if she wants "back in" you will think seriously about whether or not your child shpuld be subjected to her.

ptumbi · 21/01/2018 15:52

It does sound as if your DM has some sort of personality disorder Hmm I'm no expert, but to suddenly up and leave when you were 16 is odd. Then to suddenly out of the blue decide that your DW is the devil is strange. To phone you and halfway through a normal convo say something offensive about your DW appearance is... more than odd. Flouncing on SM....Shock. 'Never a dull moment' sounds a bit unstable? Is she a bit histrionic, OP?

Are you an only child?

OliviaStabler · 21/01/2018 18:11

You don't mention what your wife said might have happened?

RippleEffect1 · 21/01/2018 20:18

I’m not in any way excusing your mum OP but donyou think it might be possible your wife innocently asked a question or made a comment or something that really touched a nerve with your mum

Seriously? Touching a nerve does not cause normal people to tell folk they wish someone dead or spread damaging lies about them.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 21/01/2018 20:37

My mother in law is very much like this. I think she has narcissistic personality disorder. She absolutely hates me and tells me in a yearly letter. We are no contact with her.