Aibu to be gutted by what this has come to with my mum?

[HarrisonWellWhyNot]

I've been with my wife for 4 years married 1yr. She is currently pregnant with our first child (which we're so happy about)
My mum has never really liked her I think. my wife tried to make the best of it and while she avoided direct confrontation it got to the point where my wife refused to speak with her unless it was absolutely necessary. This came about at the time where my mum wished my wife dead (she said this to my grandmother who sent the messages on to me as she felt I should see them). I confronted my mum about it hoping to be given a reason and she just went "well, it's true. I've never liked the girl" my mums reason for hating my wife have always been a mystery to me. I've tried to talk to her about it. But imo the vitriol towards my wife was completely unacceptable.
We moved to be near my mum several years after my mum moved hours away when I was 16 and left me with my grandmother. My wife wasn't on the picture at this time but I just want to give background.

For the first 3 months I lived near my mum I spent a fair bit of time with her - my wife came sometimes, too. They'd have a laugh and a joke and all was well until one day my mums attitude to her totally switched. Nothing that either of us can think of ha happened. I was always there with them when they were around each other (but did spend time with mum alone too) and I can't think of anything remotely bad my wife has done....

Anyway, Thats when the "I wish she'd died when x happened" comment came about... I've tried and tried to find the reason behind it but couldn't. In the end we moved away spending only 6.5 months living near my mum. Then the vitriol started.
She went around the family saying my wife was abusing me. I had lots of worried contact from friends and family saying "are you sure things between you and *wifename are ok?" My mum had made up so much stuff. For reference my wife and I are a perfectly equal couple, I'm not abused and I love her very much. We've never had so much as an argument in front of my mum so for her to say I'm abused was truly laughable. But it hurt my wife greatly to be seen in that way.

Since then. My mum and I would have the odd strained text conversation. Today she text me (I'm at work but it's v slow so I'm able to be on my phone). We had the standard "hi how are you?" And she asked me how work was going. Then out of the blue she made a very hurtful comment about my wife's appearance. I just said

look, I'm not dealing with this attitude. That was both untrue and uncalled for, I'll speak to you another time as work is getting busy again now.

(It wasn't I just didn't want to deal with her shit). Out of the blue she's blocked me on all social media and hasn't responded to my text. I think she's just decided to cut me off because I won't come around to her way of thinking.

I remember when my mum used to be supportive and lovely and fun when I was a child. Never a dull moment and always there for me. I probably sound pathetic as an adult approaching 30 but this really hurts.
Aibu to be gutted it's come to this? I rationally know it's a good thing but I feel like I'm grieving a loss.

It's absolutely normal to be sad and disappointed, ultimately we don't expect our parents to desert us especially when you say you had a happy childhood.

Sad as it may be, she may try and stir trouble when your baby is born and your wife will very likely be quite vulnerable so be ready in your heart for the worst.

My DP made a similar choice and whilst it was a long time coming, it doesn't mean he isn't hurting.

She sounds like she has mental health issues, which cause this hasty toxic behaviour. Tbh I woukd have gone nc whenshewushed yiur wife dead, what an evil thing to say. You are grieving a loss, the fun loving winderful mum you remembered as a kid has gone, and in its place is a nasty bitter twisted individual. Concentrate on yiur wife and child now, yiur wife sounds so lovely, I would have lost my shit with yiur mum years ago.

olivia sorry I don't understand the question completely, but if it is what I think it is then my wife is as perplexed as I am.
As I said earlier DW and my mother haven't ever been alone together - I was always there, sometimes others, too and I've never witnessed my wife saying anything remotely "nerve touchy". If she had at least that would give me something to work with. But mum won't say why she hates DW, dw and I have no idea.

By "never a dull moment" I didn't mean it in a nasty way. My childhood was genuinely very good and my mum was always happy to do something. A lot of my friends spent time very bored when I was a child especially in the summer hols. I didn't, we always did things. So I'm not sure went awry when I turned 16.
Perhaps my mother is mentally ill but she's never been diagnosed with anything and as I said, I understand her reasons for leaving when I was 16. What happened between that and now I'm not really sure (we still kept in contact in the years between her leaving and us moving to her area but she stopped being a huge presence in my life).

I think NC is the way for me now. Even though she's tried to make that call. So I won't be responding even if she does text me or whatever...

My wife refuses to be around her regardless of what I do (which I can respect and understand).
It all makes me very sad but logically I know it's for the best.

Is it possible it's more a sense of jealousy somehow? If you and DM were always very close, did everything together etc perhaps she sees your DW as pushing her out?
Not that it would justify any of her behaviour, of course.
YANBU to go low/no contact with her, or to be hurt or upset at the way things have turned out.

You are not being unreasonable - you would like a normal relationship with your mother and she has made that impossible. It's perfectly reasonable to feel very sad and angry.
Like a pp, I think she is displaying narcissistic behaviour - Google narcissistic mother and read up on it. Don't swallow everything out there but it might help to explain some of her behaviour.
Also, it is lovely to hear how supportive you are of your wife. Congratulations on your baby and best wishes 💐

Sorry OP - i don't get this 'lovely' mum, 'lovely childhood' bit. She left you at 16 to move several hours away. Then after a few year you moved to be nearer her - but only stayed in the area 6.5 months, as she was so nasty.

You moved away and she spread nasty rumours/sent flying monkeys after you (and your wife.)

Something happened to her when you were 16 that you don't know about? That sent her 'over the edge'? Or it just came out, as you gained adult awareness?

She definitely has MH problems. I hope she is being treated?

But she is not your main concern - your DW and child are. You can't do anything for your DM unless she wants it. And at the moment, for your own MH and that of your DW, I'd steer well clear.

Nc all the way.

So it sounds to me as if your mum invested all her emotions in you when you were growing up. And she expected that she would always have the '#1 woman' position in your life, as she did when you were a child. When you married she was (correctly) 'bumped down' a notch as your wife became your first loyalty (as it should be). In this case your wife doesn't need to have done or said a single thing to upset your mum. Her presence in your life is enough.

I think remaining NC is the best thing. If your mum is a narcissist nothing you or your wife can do or say will ever change the way she feels. If she isn't a true narc, then seeing you stand with your wife will teach her that you and your wife are each other's priorities.

olivia sorry I don't understand the question completely, but if it is what I think it is then my wife is as perplexed as I am.
As I said earlier DW and my mother haven't ever been alone together - I was always there, sometimes others, too and I've never witnessed my wife saying anything remotely "nerve touchy". If she had at least that would give me something to work with. But mum won't say why she hates DW, dw and I have no idea.

Sorry if I was not clear. I had a similar situation happen to me. Complete nasty turn by what I thought was a close friend and I had to figure out what it was triggered by as I had no idea what I had done. I worked back and figured it out but it took a lot of time and reflection.