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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk dirty to me

65 replies

nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 20:53

I have posted before about my lack of a sex drive. It (as you would expect) has driven a wedge in our marriage. There is no affection between us now either. DH and I had an extremely frank discussion that if things don't improve it more than likely will be the end for us. I have requested that we have 2 shows of affection a day (kiss, hug, hand hold) and his request is that we DTD once every 2 weeks. That 2 weeks is up tonight so I have to put out. I no more feel like DTD than I feel like dancing naked in the street but I'm willing to for my relationship. Any tips on improving libido?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 20:55

But surely the affection has to come first?

Did you read about that couple who decided to have sex every day? They were certainly closer and it seemed to save their marriage.

chickenowner · 20/01/2018 20:56

Are you nice to each other? I think that has to come first.

bellasuewow · 20/01/2018 20:57

2 shows of affection a day... blimey op that is nothing, seriously if you don’t like each other anymore then maybe discuss if you really want to be together. Affection should be natural, easy and abundant in a loving relationship. It has got really bad if you have to schedule in only two affectionate acts a day, how clinical and as for forcing yourself to have sex... just don’t do it.

Queenofthestress · 20/01/2018 20:57

Go to the doctor? I'd think it's a hormone thing if it's suddenly come on,
How's your foreplay? Is there anything particularly off putting?

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 20:57

Thank you MBD. He has been very good sticking to the 2 shows of affection a day, so it's my turn to make good on my side of the deal! I haven't heard about that, is it a news article?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 20/01/2018 20:58

I have requested that we have 2 shows of affection a day (kiss, hug, hand hold) I'm not surprised you're not up for DTD.

Gandtanytime · 20/01/2018 21:01

There is no reason why it should be the end of your marriage. We have been married for 30 yrs and not DTD for the last 20yrs. I am not interested one little bit but totaly love my hubby and he me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2018 21:01

Does the affection feel genuine, warm and sincere?

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:01

3 children in 3 years (youngest is now 2.5) and my body is left on bits after it, I need to get prolapse sorted and I'm incontinent. I don't feel happy in myself and was happy to withdraw into myself. Add into that depression, anxiety and hypothyroidism and I do wonder how he hasn't left me already! We both have very busy jobs and might not even have a conversation until 9pm at night. Life has just got in the way and we haven't made time for our marriage

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 21:02

Does he mind that, GandTTime?

Pippa12 · 20/01/2018 21:02

I once watched a sex councillor on something like GMTV- she said her moto to her clients was "just do it" (obvs not if its an abusive relationship /forced act). The more you do it... the more you want to. I went through a low libido episode for a year or so after my first child- i knew i needed to up my game- i had a Hollywood wax and just did it Grin and well... we haven't stopped since. Our once limp boring sex life is now fulfilling and better than ever- give it a try. It'll be 10 minutes and you'll feel much better afterwards.

This is all assuming you love your husband, still find him attractive and WANT to make it work... otherwise you have bigger probs on your hands xxx

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:04

Also last 2 babies were conceived on contraception so have a HUGE fear of getting pregnant even though it's slightly irrational as I have the mirena in

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Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:05

Gandt I d9nt think my DH would be happy with that he has quite a high sex drive. For a long time I avoided any PDA as I was afraid he'd confuse it with a come on

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Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:07

DH is very giving in foreplay and sex and Im a little wham bam thank you mam at the moment as the children are very bad sleepers and all 3 end up in our bed at night, I just worry they'll be in during the act!

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Justmuddlingalong · 20/01/2018 21:07

It peaks and troughs. If I find I'm not bothered either way, I'll do it. I'm never pressured but I enjoy it once I get going. A good snog helps and the more I do 'it', the more I want it IYKWIM.

IvorHughJarrs · 20/01/2018 21:08

I disagree with other posters to a point. You have two choices, make an effort or allow the relationship to end so, if you want to give it another chance you need to find a way

I do sympathise as loss of libido is not easy to overcome but you don't always have to feel like it beforehand. Your DH may just have to try a bit harder to help you relax and warm up, rather than thinking the two weeks is up so here we go.

Might it be better, rather than scheduling affection and sex to find out about some therapy (Relate may have something) as I thought therapists advise couples to focus on other activities and build things up rather than pushing you to do the deed

Gandtanytime · 20/01/2018 21:08

At first he felt rejected as he didn't understand that it was not about love. He came to realise that it actually enhanced the quality of our relationship because there was no agenda.

TheSameCoin · 20/01/2018 21:08

No. You don’t HAVE to put out. You are under no obligation to have sex whatsoever should you not wish to. More to the point, any decent man would recoil from having sex with someone who wasn’t enthusiastically up for it.

Groovee · 20/01/2018 21:09

I lost my sex drive when I was on the mini pill. I had no desire to have sex but I forced myself and realised that once I started I really enjoyed it. But it didn't make my sex drive come back. Ironically 4 days after coming off the mini pill, I woke up feeling horny but was on a 2 week sex ban post gynae surgery.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2018 21:10

Fuck. Fucking hell. How fucking dare he make you feel like you are failing as a partner. You have given him three beautiful, and I assume wanted, children in a very short space of time, and are physically damaged by that.

How fucking dare he make you feel bad for your lack of sex drive. Being intimate is not just about sex. It is indeed about the casual hand hold whilst watching tv, the kisses, a cwtch.

He is behaving really poorly.

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:18

Thank you for your concern but he hasn't pressured me at all. He hasn't even mentioned the 2 weeks. It's in my head. BUT he has kept up to his side of the deal and there has been more of an effort.

OP posts:
SlummyMummy77 · 20/01/2018 21:26

Can you read a naughty book and see how it goes?

crunched · 20/01/2018 21:27

I don't see this as him pressuring you op. I think your frank discussion is a reflection of the fact you both want this to work out. Very positive communication.
In answer to your question, look at the desire in his eyes, you must be desirable, forget your inhibitions. You are beautiful, don't doubt that.
And maybe 'sex' would be a more appropriate forum than AIBU?

alphajuliet123 · 20/01/2018 21:28

I lost my libido a bit too, and then one time while in the middle of it I said "stop being so gentle with me" and that seems to have sorted things right out!

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:28

Slummymummy I've thought of that too, but my lack of libido has almost turned me prudish. We DTD over Xmas in a family members house ad I felt ashamed after even though it was me who initiated. It sounds so stupid and I cant even explain whya

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