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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk dirty to me

65 replies

nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 20:53

I have posted before about my lack of a sex drive. It (as you would expect) has driven a wedge in our marriage. There is no affection between us now either. DH and I had an extremely frank discussion that if things don't improve it more than likely will be the end for us. I have requested that we have 2 shows of affection a day (kiss, hug, hand hold) and his request is that we DTD once every 2 weeks. That 2 weeks is up tonight so I have to put out. I no more feel like DTD than I feel like dancing naked in the street but I'm willing to for my relationship. Any tips on improving libido?

OP posts:
NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 21:30

Ok a few thoughts.
When my libido was really low and I still wanted to try and have sex with H, I found that reading some ‘naughty’ books helped me get in the mood (not 50;shades of grey but along those lines)

However, my experience is also that actually doing that has made HATE having sex with H. It felt forced, I didn’t enjoyed it and actually really wasn’t a good idea at all.
And this is the issue it’s the deal you have agreed on.
Two PDA a day is nothing. A kiss and holding hands isn’t going to be any hardship at all, low libido or not. Actually even if you don’t really the person, it would still be ok to do. But having sex? It’s a whole different thing and I think Your u are going to struggle with it.

As for not actually taking into account the fact you’ve had 3!! Children in 3!! Years, are suffering form incontinence form that etc.... I have to say I’m speechless.
If you want to save your relationhsip, it’s nitbthe sex that yu need to concentrate on. But the kindness and support you should be giving to each other. The getting up in the night that should be shared etc...
Because I reckons that if he was doing as much as you are currently doing looking after 3 very young dcs, he wouldn’t be feeling like having sex either tbh.

CantChoose · 20/01/2018 21:30

Another poster said this already but DH and I were having sex only at weekends and not every week. Slightly different situation as I think it was mostly because we are tired and work stressful jobs etc.
We are now TTC and agreed to aim for twice a week, ideally three times. But now we can't keep our hands off each other Blush the more we have the more we want, it seems.

steff13 · 20/01/2018 21:32

At first he felt rejected as he didn't understand that it was not about love.

But doesn't he have physical needs?

chequeplease · 20/01/2018 21:33

It's understandable that you've lost your libido. Do you think you could give it a bit longer for your body and hormones to settle down, maybe see about treating the prolapse and hyperthyroidism?
It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, instead something that your husband can support you through? Marriage is more than sex. And maybe sex will come round again when you're feeling better.

Outnotdown · 20/01/2018 21:35

Wine. Have a glass of wine. Watch a sexy movie with him. ( The secretary, maybe?). I am in exactly your shoes, lovely patient husband, and NO sex drive, I'm blaming hormones, poorly sleeping kids coming into the bed, and general drudgery.

I cannot recommend wine enough.

greathat · 20/01/2018 21:37

offer a back massage or something and take it from there?

NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 21:40

Btw I dont think your DH has pushed you into doing things you dint want to. I just think that the deal is crap.
What you asked him to do is ridiculously simple and easy compare to what he asked you to do.
The trade off is so much on your side , effort wise, that it’s unreal.

And it really doesn’t take anything else into account.
It’s simplifying things to the nth degree but saying that a relationship is dead wo sex, that one deserves the sex and that if you want to keep a man, you have to out with sex even if libido is low (your issue woman, sort it out), even if you are incontinent, even if you dont sleep etc etc
It’s missing the point that your DH wouod have taken any sign of PDA as a sign for sex instead of checking that was ok with you. It’s missing the fact, he didn’t try and support you, check out how he could help you find your libido again etc...
Of the old ‘if you just go for it, it will come back’ or ‘once I stopped making a big deal out of it, everything was fine’ (cue it is totally possible or even very likely that this will NOT be the case!)
The premice is with you for having no libido wo even trying to look at what is the reason for it.

By experience again, please be careful to make it all your responsibility and your responsibility only.
And don’t force yourself into doing something you really dont feel like doing.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 20/01/2018 21:42

I mean this in the nicest way, unfortunately I can't think of how to make it sound like that, if you are having to work as hard as it sounds you like you are then I honestly think it's time to call it a day.

NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 21:42

Have you had your thyroid checked recently too? Low thyroid will destroy your libido....

Chickoletta · 20/01/2018 21:45

Isn’t loss of libido a possible side effect of Mirena? Might be worth talking to your GP. Beyond that, I can’t really help as I don’t have a high sex drive either - once a fortnight or so here. I do agree that the more you have, the more you want though.

Booboobooboo84 · 20/01/2018 21:46

How about naked spooning. You say he’s very giving foreplay wise why not be the little spoon let his hands wander and see where it takes you. It’s your prerogative to change your mind. While I don’t think he’s forcing you to say yes you still need to know you can say no.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2018 21:47

From one of the op’s posts-

3 children in 3 years (youngest is now 2.5) and my body is left on bits after it, I need to get prolapse sorted and I'm incontinent

Has everyone chosen to ignore that minor detail as to why her sex drive migh not be at its peak or has MN been infiltrated by utter fools?

Op - it is normal to have dives in sex dive. Your partner seems to associate sex with affection. Thst’s not normal. I say that as someone who has had to teach themselves that sex doesn’t equal affection and my partner not being in the mood isn’t a big deal.

Pannalash · 20/01/2018 21:47

Are you getting help with your prolapse and incontinence problems OP? This must be physically uncomfortable. Flowers

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 20/01/2018 21:48

Hypothyroidism causes low libido, make sure your levels are good (not just ok but actually good

calzone · 20/01/2018 21:50

I love a bit of dirty talk.....

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:52

In defence of DH he has grown up in a very affectionless house, no hugs or kisses, no praise a very 'get up, go to work, eat dinner and go to bed'family. Very little communication between mil and fil. Not a way I could live. Sil2 has noted how abnormal her childhood was since she met her DH and his family. DH mentioned in passing not long after meeting that once you were married and had children there was no sex any more as he saw his parents in different beds every night as it was how he grew up.

OP posts:
BigBaboonBum · 20/01/2018 21:52

Nothing sexier than an impending DTD deadline

NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 21:53

I agree Alis.its pretty normal to have a dip in libido after all that. And her DH should be given her support rather than pressuring her because otherwise the relationship is finished.

Original poster
nowimsomeonenew · 20/01/2018 21:53

I've been referred for prolapse but still waiting for appointment.

I need to say he is very good realising hypothyroidism is an illness, not something my own family can even grasp.

OP posts:
EasterRobin · 20/01/2018 21:55

Have a couple of glasses of wine together?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2018 21:57

Op - is that a life you are happy living? Your last post is very illuminating - he doesn’t expect sex or intimacy post children so will not support you in having the treatment you need, for your own physical well being, but still expects you to behave like a hormonal sex driven sexy thing.

No. You deserve better than that.

BigBaboonBum · 20/01/2018 21:57

My friend had prolapse and her husband waited a long time before she would touch him due to feeling so bad about it. Your OH is just selfish. I’d tell him to take a wank and get on his bike

MagnaWiles · 20/01/2018 22:01

Affection is so so so important. Do you really feel meaning behind the affectionate things you've been doing, or do they feel 'token'? Are there other things that you do to express affection to each other?

I do think affection and caring are really important parts of the foundation of a relationship. If they aren't present then you may seriously want to think about splitting up.

If they are there, and you do want to work on things, well -- personally I find that making the effort to have sex relatively regularly can kickstart things and get my libido up and running again. Hopefully you might find the same.

Lovemusic33 · 20/01/2018 22:05

I think many of us just get stuck in a rut after having children and after a while it’s hard to get back into it, even more so if your kids don’t sleep very well. I got stuck in the rut and eventually split with my husband (there were other reasons too).

StarWarsFanatic · 20/01/2018 22:10

This won't help tonight but there is evidence that suggests that the more orgasms one has the more they crave so maybe if you start trying to achieve them by yourself on a regular basis your libido will increase.

Also, not all sex has to be penetrative. There are other acts you can indulge in together and it may not be as putting off. Have you considered getting any "toys" that you could use on/with him so that you can still be intimate without penetration and to add variety.

Lastly, please don't be so hard on yourself. Your DH loves you and wants to be intimate with you. He still finds you attractive, try looking at yourself through his eyes. Treat yourself kindly. Maybe a nice relaxing bath or shower, put on some nice lingerie and see how you feel then? Don't have sex if you really don't want to because it will create more of a psychological block.