Talk dirty to me

[nowimsomeonenew]

I have posted before about my lack of a sex drive. It (as you would expect) has driven a wedge in our marriage. There is no affection between us now either. DH and I had an extremely frank discussion that if things don't improve it more than likely will be the end for us. I have requested that we have 2 shows of affection a day (kiss, hug, hand hold) and his request is that we DTD once every 2 weeks. That 2 weeks is up tonight so I have to put out. I no more feel like DTD than I feel like dancing naked in the street but I'm willing to for my relationship. Any tips on improving libido?

3 children in 3 years (youngest is now 2.5) and my body is left on bits after it, I need to get prolapse sorted and I'm incontinent

Has everyone chosen to ignore that minor detail as to why her sex drive migh not be at its peak or has MN been infiltrated by utter fools?

I’m really glad someone has mentioned it, I thought I’d entered the twilight zone. I wonder how many people on this thread have tried having a sex life when they’re incontinent, not to mention a prolapse which makes sex uncomfortable?

I mean there are other ways to have sex and intimacy which is important but penetration double whammy with tiredness to boot is not fun and shouldn’t be pushed.

The hugs etc are genuine, they feel genuine all the time.

I am generally happy in my relationship, I have made the sex thing a bigger deal in my life than he does.

The Mirena coil made me lose ALL my libido OP. It came on very gradually and I didn't notice much, but after about 3 years I felt so low I had a lot of things checked (thyroid, iron levels, diabetes, etc) no joy, and I had the Mirena out. Within a week my libido came back bigtime. Couldn't wait for DH to get home from work every day.
However that doesn't help for tonight - warm bath maybe? feel all relaxed... whatever might help. I had a prolapse too and it's not much fun. After surgery it is so much better. Don't underestimate the time you need to rest and recover after the op though.

If he's kind and supportive and making the effort, then it sounds like he will understand if you say you don't feel up to 'sex' tonight.

You don't have to answer the next bit if you don't want to, but it might be worth considering.
By 'sex' do you mean PIV (penis-in-vagina)? Does it have to involve PIV to count as sex? As long as you are both wanting to try to get the sexy side back into your marriage, how about some naked snuggling and touching that doesn't involve PIV?

Op.

I am you. But only 1 child. She’s 6 and we’re onyl just getting back on track

I pressurised myself after second DC to get back to normal, I made it into a bigger thing than it was. What I really needed was to give my self permission to heal in both body and mind. DP was very supportive when I told him and I just wish I had told him sooner. It took me six months but it was worth it and we became closer for it.

The mirena coil has affected my libido too. Almost zilch. I have to intellectually get in the zone first. Partly by remembering how much I enjoy DTD. How much I enjoy DTD with my DH. Think sexy thoughts. Think positive thoughts about yourself too. Your DH obviously fancies you.
It's not a task or an ordeal. It's a pleasure. Do you have any adults toys you can use?
Good luck and I hope you have fun

Load of things you say stand out to me

1)I completly lost my libido when on the mirena, it was totally gone..even when we had sex I struggled to enjoy it. Once it was taken out (before ttc out second dc) the change was great.

2)After my third child I was terrified of falling pregnant so held back from sex. My husband got the snip and once he got the all clear and I no longer feared pregnancy things improved.

3. when my kids weren't sleeping well and I was shattered I could not be bothered id of rather slept and when I'm feeling rubbish about myself I feel insecure and dont want sex

4. my mum has a prolapse she absolutely can't handle sex and says it's completely uncomfortable and not pleasurable.

Me and dh over the last 17 years have went through highs and lows. We have periods where it wasn't very often due to one thing or another and I nearly left him when breastfeeding my first as I had no libido and thought I didnt fancy him. But all along we have got on well, loved each other and I have always found him attractive. There's usually a reason that can be resolved.

Now out kids are older the issue we have is a 13 year old always being around! When we do get the opportunity, sometimes I am tired and can't be bothered but once we get going I enjoy it.

First thing you need to do is get your health issues sorted because I certainely wouldn't be up for intercourse with a prolapse.

I say drink a bottle of wine together and just go for it......the more you do the more you want.

I'm guessing here ...

I'm presuming in the evening he is just sitting down watching tv ...

Cos he 'deserves a rest' after a hard day's work ... of 8 hours duration!!

You are STILL looking after the kids, clearing up, getting stuff ready for morning etc etc

AND you will still be up in the night to look after the kids ... as you have done for YEARS.

You are on call 24 hours a day.
You are exhausted.

Sit him down. Tell him you want to spend more quality time with him.

But the evening jobs HAVE to be divided up between you. Work out a fair division.

After a certain time each night (9pm? 10pm? 11pm?) YOU are off duty. Pour two glasses of wine.

Spend half an hour ON YOUR OWN - in the bath, shaving your legs, reading a book, whatever.

He looks after the kids till he comes to bed.

You get to be YOU again.

He gets to shoulder more of the load, so realises just how tiring small children can be.

Snuggle up, drink your wine and talk to each other.

No expectations of sex. Just affection and closeness.

Tell him you need a week or so of this every night before ANYTHING will happen. You need to reconnect with each other.

You - like most women - need affection to feel sexy.

Give it time and your libido will return.

Xxx

OP you sound like you are happy with your DH and he sounds considerate and caring.

Have you read mating in captivity? I have read a few books about marriage and desire as they are quite Interesting. Marriage gives us safety and makes us feel relaxed and loved, but this can sometimes be the opposite of desire. As desire is spontaneous and passionate.

Try not thinking about love, think about sex, what turns you on. What parts of him do you really like? His arms, neck, hands, bum etc. Start looking at him in a sexual way instead of the father of your children. Think of great sex you have had with him somewhere. Try and remember how it made you feel. Do you have a vibrator?
You could even try watching porn just to see what turns you on again if you have forgotten.

Sex is a use it or lose it type of thing, the longer you leave it the weirder it feels to get back into the swing. But when you actually start having sex (and you said he is generous with foreplay). I bet once you start physically feel turned on you will want to carry on.

I can't offer much to this thread - I have no children; I've never had a prolapse and I can't imagine dealing with that, and I have been extremely lucky with contraception.

But I wanted to say that having to ask my husband to do two affectionate things per day would probably kill me. I'd done "making do" with a relationship that had no real affection after a while; and I'm now in a relationship that genuinely is affectionate on both our parts, and the difference is incredible. As is the sex.

The idea of you forcing yourself to have sex that you don't want because he managed to tick off 14 affectionate things in a week is so sad. I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex - there is an element of your libido dying because you're not doing it - but you have other circumstances too. And you shouldn't do anything that you actively don't want to do; and your OP makes it sound like you really don't want too.

I hope you're okay this morning

Watch porn together. Sure fire way to heat u both up.

Agree on a no touch each other naked session. You can do anything to yourself but only on the instruction of your partners say so. Takes away the worry of penetration as well
Have sessions where it's all about 1 person and take it in turns. One time will be all about him and he gets what he wants and the next is all about you. I think talking about what u want is important but plucking up the courage is another.
Have a sit down and talk about what u want and ur worries and agree upon a plan.

Actually doing these things is another matter though and requires trust and confidence in each other

Good luck

I completely lost my libido due to prolapse. I had no idea that was the reason. I was completely dead, sexually. No drive, no desire, i completely lost the ability to orgasm...NOTHING worked! Then i had surgery for pelvic organ prolapse (POP) and things started working again! The pudendal nerve can get squashed (trapped) due to the prolapse(s). Some women find relief with a pessary!
There is a wonderful website where you can find more information (Very credible!!) www.pelvicorganprolapsesupport.org - there is a facebook forum - you can request to join from the website!
Sherrie Palm, the founder and director of the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse (APOPS) will be discussing prolapse in a live Mumsnet webchat. on Tuesday at 9PM:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_live_events/3144287-Webchat-with-Sherrie-Palm-of-Pelvic-organ-prolapse-support-organisation-Tuesday-23-January-9-10pm

Op how much of an issue is the prolapse in regards to having sex? Does it bother you when dtd? I know that mine doesn't however I was very conscious of it and worried he would be turned off by it.