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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this a little odd?

65 replies

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:23

I've been in a relationship for several years now, generally good though things haven't been that great recently. He's got a lot on his plate (health/ family/ money wise) and I do try to be understanding of that.

So normally on a Fri he comes over, we make dinner, watch tv or a film, that kind of thing. Yesterday at work I started feeling ill mid afternoon and so left an hour early. Got home feeling shiver, put my pyjamas on, and got into bed with a hot water bottle. I wasn't planning more than to rest/ possibly a short nap. When I woke up (feeling a lot better) it was 9pm.

Went downstairs and he was on the sofa. Not especially pleased to see me, if anything was quite off with me. He said he hadn't known where I was, he tried calling me (my phone was on silent so I didn't hear it) and he assumed I was still at work.

My bag, shoes and coat were inn the hallway though. He hadn't checked upstairs. I didn't tell him I was home early because I wasn't planning a 4 hour sleep.

He hadn't had anything for dinner. I offered to make something when I got up, he said he'd get something on the way home.

We've a night out planned for tonight and I don't want this to spoil our plans but at the moment I do feel somehow like he isn't happy about it. But I don't really get what I did wrong?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 12:27

So he let himself into your house, saw your bag and shoes and coat, sat on the sofa and sulked? Wouldn't he have shouted up to see if you were there or - god forbid - walk upstairs to see where you were? You could have fallen in the bathroom or something for all he knew.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 12:27

Couldn't he have started to cook?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 20/01/2018 12:28

Is it possible he just didn't "see" your bag and coat? I wouldn't notice details like that in all honesty.

Cornettoninja · 20/01/2018 12:31

Sounds to me like he's worked himself up thinking you'd binned him off without bothering to let him know.

Are you really private about your space? Maybe he felt too intrusive and awkward going in your room without you there?

Either way, try calling him and judge the tone from there. You didn't do anything wrong and can't be held accountable for fantasy wrongdoings.

Chocolatesprinkledcrumpet · 20/01/2018 12:31

Right, I am obviously not familiar with your entire situation, but from what you have just written, he does seem to have all the emotional intelligence and empathy of a mug.

Wait, a mug would at least contain a warm drink of some sort...

Flowers

Anyhow, I'd suggest it's time to dip your toe in the dating pool again... Good luck!

Original poster
Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:31

I'm quite a fussy eater so he normally doesn't start on dinner without me, unless we've agree already (sometimes we'll text during the day discussing what to have for dinner depending on how busy we are).

I don't know if he called upstairs, certainly he couldn't have checked up there as he would have seen me.

I know he doesn't like wandering about my house, I'd be the same at his but if I saw his coat/ car etc were there I'd want to check he hadn't collapsed or something.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 20/01/2018 12:34

Was he worried about you?

How many times had he tried to ring you?

ZoopDragon · 20/01/2018 12:34

He might not have noticed your shoes, bag etc or thought they were spares. And might not have wanted to go upstairs in case he was intruding. I think you should have sent a text when you went to bed so he wasn't worrying, or at least set an alarm. Hope you feel better now

KarmaStar · 20/01/2018 12:35

Hi OP
Hope you feel better today.
Imo his attitude was odd.
Not knowing your relationship is hard to advise,you may not want advise,you just asked if we thought it was odd,yes it is.

KarmaStar · 20/01/2018 12:36

...and no you did nothing wrong

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 20/01/2018 12:36

Had you text him or he you at all during the day?

IrkThePurist · 20/01/2018 12:39

This isnt how couples react, he's making it an issue, and making it about him.

Tmgc123 · 20/01/2018 12:39

How long have you been together? It sounds like you are strangers. I personally would text my oh to let him know I was feeling poorly even when we didn’t live together, but we do speak a lot. It sounds like you’re really unsure in this relationship and can’t soeak frankly and openly.

Snowysky20009 · 20/01/2018 12:40

OP men aren't the best at spotting bag etc, especially if you use different bags and coats depending on outfit (I do).
Just drop him a text and say 'I am/am not feeling better today, do you still fancy going out tonight? I do/do not X'

IfeelFloopy · 20/01/2018 12:42

This would annoy me.

Putting myself in those circumstances I would apologise for making him worry, explain that it was unintentional and then remind him that a bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss. And then I’d expect him to get over it!

Angrybird345 · 20/01/2018 12:42

Wow, that’s dreadful! How uncaring of him. That would be the end of the relationship for me.

Original poster
Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:47

He had called 5 times. I don't know what times/ how far apart though.

I honestly wasn't expecting to fall properly asleep. I thought that I would doze for a bit. Normally I wake up when I hear the door go (closing it makes quite a noise) but clearly I had just crashed out.

I'd not contacted him yesterday as I was hugely busy at work, and in meetings most of the day. I didn't think to msg him and say I was I'll, as I was expecting some tablets, hot bottle and rest should sort me out. He normally gets to me at 7, I fell asleep about 5.

I do appreciate re bag, shoes etc as I have lots of both. But I still feel he's annoyed - maybe annoyed is too strong a word, but certainly not happy with me.

OP posts:
sanesera · 20/01/2018 12:49

I'm surprised that you didn't communicate with him that you were going home early and not well etc although I realise you didn't plan on sleeping too long. He did try to contact you

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 20/01/2018 12:52

I find it weird that after a few years together
A) you wouldnt find 20 secs to quickly text him "fyi came home early and crashed in bed - feel like shit. Will call you when aqake x" and
B) he wouldn't feel comfortable "wandering around your house"

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 12:54

Was your car outside your house?

Notasperfectasallothermners · 20/01/2018 12:54

A man who was annoyed I was ill would be out the door and it locked behind him.

Original poster
Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:55

Honestly I was tired and felt shivery and ill. I just wanted my bed. We don't text or msg much. This week I think we've exchanged about 4 in total.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:56

My car was outside though I don't always take it to work.

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 20/01/2018 12:59

Why don’t you just ask him? And talk about what the problem is? Or am I missing something here?

SimonBridges · 20/01/2018 13:00

I find it odd that he has let himself in but not shouted upstairs to see if you were in or anything.
As for not noticing your stuff, that's not such a shocker. I think it is worse that he was pissed off rather than worried.