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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find this a little odd?

65 replies

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 12:23

I've been in a relationship for several years now, generally good though things haven't been that great recently. He's got a lot on his plate (health/ family/ money wise) and I do try to be understanding of that.

So normally on a Fri he comes over, we make dinner, watch tv or a film, that kind of thing. Yesterday at work I started feeling ill mid afternoon and so left an hour early. Got home feeling shiver, put my pyjamas on, and got into bed with a hot water bottle. I wasn't planning more than to rest/ possibly a short nap. When I woke up (feeling a lot better) it was 9pm.

Went downstairs and he was on the sofa. Not especially pleased to see me, if anything was quite off with me. He said he hadn't known where I was, he tried calling me (my phone was on silent so I didn't hear it) and he assumed I was still at work.

My bag, shoes and coat were inn the hallway though. He hadn't checked upstairs. I didn't tell him I was home early because I wasn't planning a 4 hour sleep.

He hadn't had anything for dinner. I offered to make something when I got up, he said he'd get something on the way home.

We've a night out planned for tonight and I don't want this to spoil our plans but at the moment I do feel somehow like he isn't happy about it. But I don't really get what I did wrong?

OP posts:

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 20/01/2018 13:00

Non issue tbh

Blackteadrinker77 · 20/01/2018 13:02

I think he was just worried, to ring 5 times suggests so.

I think you should have rang or text him to say you were going home.

orangeisafruitandcolour · 20/01/2018 13:03

Puzzled as to why you hadn’t sent him a quick text earlier on to say you were feeling a bit rubbish and going home early.
Bizarre relationship you seem to have by the way , new boyfriend maybe wouldn’t feel comfortable making himself at home, in your house, but then he probably wouldn’t let himself in either. Partner of several years comes over has no definite idea where you are and just sits on your sofa and waits also you say you wouldn’t feel comfortable wandering round his house?Do you have weird house rules that he can’t go up to your room ( so that he could check if you were there) make himself a cuppa, food or whatever and just chill til you got back from work(since he thought that’s where you probably were). If he didn’t want to sit there getting annoyed why didn’t he phone / text you one last time saying he was going home as something had obviously come up for you and for you to get in touch when you could.

Original poster

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 13:03

I apologised last night. I said I felt like he was upset with me. He said he wasn't. But also said he wouldn't eat dinner (would get something on the way home) and left about an hour after I got up. I don't think I should have to wheedle put of him what the issue is, and I'm not sure I even understand why he was upset; hence my post. I'm just trying to see if I was at fault somehow.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2018 13:04

He’s been a grumpy arse about a misunderstanding. Do you want to talk to him about it?

DavidPuddy · 20/01/2018 13:07

Sounds like a sulking, selfish child. You were ill, he can't blame you for that. Any decent person would have wanted to look after you.

Original poster

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 13:07

I don't have weird house rules. He knows he can make tea, food etc; help himself. He wouldn't have done dinner because he'd want to check with me first what we were eating, he hadn't made a hot drink while I was asleep. I offered him one and he said he wasn't thirsty and had drunk loads at work.

OP posts:

splatattack · 20/01/2018 13:07

I feel the same way as orange...why does he not feel comfortable going upstairs in your house, and you in his?? Haven't you been together for a few years? Has he never been in your bedroom? I'm confused....

Original poster

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 13:09

He did say he'd cook me something So he wasnt being uncaring as such, but refused to eat himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 13:11

Yes he's been in my bedroom and upstairs in my house. But he wouldn't necessarily wander about upstairs if he thought I wasnt there. And from what he said, he didn't think I was there.

OP posts:

Fintress · 20/01/2018 13:11

I find it weird that after a few years together
A) you wouldnt find 20 secs to quickly text him "fyi came home early and crashed in bed - feel like shit. Will call you when aqake x" and
B) he wouldn't feel comfortable "wandering around your house"

I agree with Glitter. Texting is the first thing I would do. I find it odd you didn't.

Ellie56 · 20/01/2018 13:13

This relationship sounds like hard work. I feel tired just reading this thread.

Are you feeling better today OP?

FredaNerkk · 20/01/2018 13:18

Sounds like he's sulking. You didn't doing anything wrong. Just say that you're sorry he had a shit evening and that you didn't hear his calls, you also had a rotten evening and felt even sicker for the atmosphere in the house. Suggest you both put it behind you.

You say you've been in a relationship for a few years. Does he normally create an atmosphere when he's upset/annoyed etc rather than discussing? My DF does that. It's such a poor way of communicating. It still drives me bonkers and was awful when Dsibs and I were growing up. Wish my DM had insisted he deal with his feelings in another way when he was younger - seems impossible for him to change now. Have to accept it in my DF, but I know I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who creates unpleasant atmospheres.

My DF also has a trait of getting in moods when my DM is poorly; don't know why. Perhaps because she doesn't focus on him, or he doesn't get what he wants, or it's his strange way of being worried about her. Hope your OH isn't like that too.

Hogtini · 20/01/2018 13:21

Why should you applogise for being ill and falling asleep? The first thing I would think of is checking your bedroom.
I do agree with pp though in that I would have sent a quick text, he could have then decided to stay at home instead (leaving you in peace/not wanting to catch anything). Plus then you would've known if he was coming or not - it would scare the shit out of me waking in a haze and hearing someone in the house.

Petalflowers · 20/01/2018 13:21

I can understand that he was worried that he couldn’t get hold of you. However, after you explained your illness, he should have been sympathetic, not huffy.

CandleWithHair · 20/01/2018 13:25

The dynamic of this relationship sounds really weird.

Nanna50 · 20/01/2018 13:29

I think the situation as a whole is a little odd.

You don't always take your car to work, you have more than one coat, handbag and shoes so it's not obvious you are home by your car or what is in the hall.

You know he doesn't like wandering around your house, so it's not unusual for him not to look and so it would have been useful to text to let him know you were planning a nap before he came around, particularly as you often text each other for other reasons.

You are a fussy eater so he can't start cooking without you and he offered to cook you something when you got up.

He may have been pissed off or worried by the time you got up, not because you were ill but because he didn't know where you were. I think its strange that he did not look but I also think its equally strange that you did not text.

You were both at fault at some point, I don't think its worth making a big deal about though.

viques · 20/01/2018 13:32

you apologised? what for? feeling ill? Not making his supper before you collapsed into bed?

I hope he is round your house now bringing you cups of tea in bed, bowls of chicken noodle soup, refilling hot water bottles hourly and telling you if you don't feel better on Monday you should take the day off. He's not? Is he still sulking? I think you have learned something about him and your relationship this weekend.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/01/2018 13:37

It sounds like he doesn’t stay on a Friday night normally, is that right?

The whole relationship sounds very odd to me, but if you were happy that wouldn’t matter because it’s YOUR relationship, not mine. But given that you said it hasn’t been great lately but you make allowances for it, I’m wondering if there are reasons for settling for this odd relationship?

It’s hard to say much about this specific event because your relationship really isn’t ‘standard’ so it’s impossible to guess what’s going on, BUT, you didn’t do anything wrong at all.

neveradullmoment99 · 20/01/2018 13:47

Things haven't been that great recently

Maybe there is more to this then.
I cant understand his sulking after he saw you were at home. I would have said, why didn't you check upstairs? He sounds like he was worried about you and then found you were in the house all along. Maybe he felt a fool?

neveradullmoment99 · 20/01/2018 13:48

Don't think you did anything wrong btw.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 20/01/2018 13:59

Yanbu. Tbf, I find the whole situation rather odd...but not by just your dp's actions.

Original poster

Fishtaco · 20/01/2018 14:15

He doesn't stay at my house. That's a long story not for this thread.

When I say things haven't been great, it's not that we argue or bicker constantly, split up every 5 mins. I know lots of people know 'that couple' and we're not them. Things not being great for us is that knowing him now for several years I can tell when hes happy and when he isn't and that affects me. There is lots going on for him as I've said, but he doesn't really discuss much of it. And if he doesn't volunteer it I don't feel I should bring it up because if he wanted to discuss it he would surely? I suspect he fits the criteria for depression but I'm not a doctor and he wouldn't go to his GP anyway...so with all this going on I feel like there is an undercurrent in our relationship that I'm constantly aware of that he isn't happy (whether with me, the other stuff or life in general). And I completely get it's not my job to make him happy, but him not being happy does affect our relationship.

OP posts:

Nanna50 · 20/01/2018 14:39

If he fits the description for depression then I guess he was pretty fed up sitting in your home not knowing where you are and you not answering your phone.

Couples have to talk, otherwise things such as this get blown out of proportion.

MakeItStopNeville · 20/01/2018 14:51

I agree that this whole relationship sounds like a really odd dynamic. You’ve been together several years but it reads more like a relatively new set up. There appears to be a weird lack of intimacy (and I don’t mean sexually) between you based on this thread. I couldn’t be bothered with a relationship that hadn’t really progressed after this length of time.

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