AIBU to find this a little odd?

[Fishtaco]

I've been in a relationship for several years now, generally good though things haven't been that great recently. He's got a lot on his plate (health/ family/ money wise) and I do try to be understanding of that.

So normally on a Fri he comes over, we make dinner, watch tv or a film, that kind of thing. Yesterday at work I started feeling ill mid afternoon and so left an hour early. Got home feeling shiver, put my pyjamas on, and got into bed with a hot water bottle. I wasn't planning more than to rest/ possibly a short nap. When I woke up (feeling a lot better) it was 9pm.

Went downstairs and he was on the sofa. Not especially pleased to see me, if anything was quite off with me. He said he hadn't known where I was, he tried calling me (my phone was on silent so I didn't hear it) and he assumed I was still at work.

My bag, shoes and coat were inn the hallway though. He hadn't checked upstairs. I didn't tell him I was home early because I wasn't planning a 4 hour sleep.

He hadn't had anything for dinner. I offered to make something when I got up, he said he'd get something on the way home.

We've a night out planned for tonight and I don't want this to spoil our plans but at the moment I do feel somehow like he isn't happy about it. But I don't really get what I did wrong?

I wasn't deliberately not answering though I was asleep.

If he thinks Id done it deliberately then he obviously doesn't know me very well at all. Thinking about it, about 2 years ago we had words (one of the rare times) when hed called me several times and I hadn't answered. I have to have my phone on silent for work, it's a disciplinary matter if your phone rings aloud. So I tend to leave it on silent because I don't ever get many calls. This one time I do remember him being quite huffy about it, like it was done on purpose. Which I said at the time showed he really didn't know me.

I did apologise for him sitting there for 2 hours alone. But I don't know what more I could have done.

In terms of our relationship I am not in a position to live with anyone, nor do I want to in the near future and he doesn't want to give up his own place either. I appreciate that in your 20s and 30s there is almost a race to live together etc bit we're closer to 50 and that isn't really on our immediate agenda.

Thinking about it, about 2 years ago we had words I think you are over analysing this.

You fell asleep, he went in a huff, don't overthink it.

So just go on our planned night this evening assuming all is well unless he tells me to the contrary? I can do that. I don't feel I was wrong but I did apologise which should be the end of it.

I would just carry on as if nothing happened if you want the relationship to continue. Don't dwell on it. He was being a moody sod. I can see why you wouldn't text him or put an alarm on as you really didn't expect to sleep for 4 hours. Try to go out and have a good time tonight 💐

It sounds like you need to call (not text) him to chat through before tonight.

I agree with PPs though given that you’ve been together for years I find it odd that you wouldn’t have texted him and I find it odd that he didn’t check upstairs that you hadn’t slipped in the shower/fallen asleep/taken ill (especially given your ages.

It sounds unkind but, it gives rise to how much you really care about each other or or consider yourself as partners.

Well that is what I would do and if he brought it up in conversation I might say, in hindsight I could have texted to let you know I was home and in future I give you permission to search my home if you think I've gone missing.

Over the years my DH has, at times been thoughtless, inconsiderate, petulant even, or not used his initiative, as have I, we are human.

If things don't feel right though you will need to talk about it at some point in the future.

I would've text him to cancel the evening if I wasn't well. Maybe he was annoyed at a wasted evening??

Is this actually a "relationship", or has it fizzled out to a friendship?

It reads as if it lacks a certain closeness, and I wonder what the difference is?

I can't honestly see what you get out of this relationship. You sound like people who are in certain grooves (he doesn't stay over, you have very particular food preferences) but not like people who are loving towards each other or take much pleasure in each other's company.

There are valid reasons for him not staying over but it's not relevant to the current issue. I don't view our relationship as no more than friendship. If that's how he feels I'd expect him to speak up. I'm not a mind reader.

I don't have weird food preferences. There are certain foods I can't eat for health reasons, there are also a few things I don't like but I do eat a varied diet. He eats anything, I don't. Hence it's easier to wait for me to pick what we're having (unless we've discussed it in advance) rather than make something I wouldn't want. I don't think that's a big deal?

I'd say that it could be the lack of a courtesy text to let him know what was going on.

However, there could be a lot of overthinking on your part. he did have a wasted evening, which isn't great on a Friday night.

I'd go tonight ans see what gets said face-to-face, he could have problems that you don't know about etc.

If you don't do it face-to-face, it will get misconstrued, on both sides.

Our only plans was as I said in my op to come over have dinner and watch tv. I didn't text him because the reason I was feeling unwell was nothing infectious and I expected to have a lie down and feel better in an hour so I wouldn't bother him with that. With hindsight of course I would have text.

It doesn’t sound as if he’s all that into you.
I’d dump him.

You seem to be in a relationship with an almost total lack of communication, op...

I didn't say you had weird food preferences. I said you had very particular food choices. That's your prerogative. Do you do this with him - by which I mean reinterpret things he says in a more negative light?