Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think that this friend should not have cancelled

89 replies

willawonder · 19/01/2018 13:26

her daughter's birthday playdate at the last minute? This was planned two weeks ago. Our DDs (3 yrs old) are great friends and her DD was celebrating her birthday yesterday. We had planned a special lunch together at our place. She knows i made a huge fuss of birthdays and I had ordered a bespoke cake for her little girl, lots of '3' balloons, candles, special table decorations of her favourite characters. I had prepared her favourite lunch the evening before (after checking the afternoon before with her mum) to bake in the oven when she arrived. On previous playdates, i've always made a bed for her so that she can nap if required.

The reason she gave for cancelling is that her daughter's birthday party is taking place today and she felt that her DD was too tired to come to ours. She still took her to nursery however.

Luckily i've been able to cancel the cake!

AIBU to think that cancelling on the morning of this planned special playdate was inconsiderate? Not withstanding all the effort and expense, my own DD was really excited and was so upset when I told her it was cancelled.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 19/01/2018 13:40

Given as didn't know that you had organised lots of extras she therefore probably thought that it was just going to yours for lunch. And she probably underestimated how excited and tired three year olds can get on their birthday. So nursery and party will be just about OK. Nursery, lunch then party will be too much and will result in overtired child unable to enjoy party. So the mum made the right call. The greater issue is you essentially throwing another party for her child, albeit one with only two guests.

Cornettoninja · 19/01/2018 13:41

If your friend didn't know what you'd organised then I'm afraid it's on you to suck it up. Imho you went seriously ott anyway...

I don't think you're being fair judging her for going to nursery but not yours either. A paid for routine activity is obviously much less likely to get cut than lunch at a friends of her dd isvtired.

Do you really want a grouchy knackered three year old enduring forced fun just because you decided to take it upon yourself to organise a mini party?

Original poster

willawonder · 19/01/2018 13:42

Elena please read the post properly. I didn't tell her about the effort I was making for her DD in particular. However, she is aware that I would have made it special for her DD. She wanted to be here, it was her suggestion.

The question is not whether I apparently went 'overboard' - I know my friend and she is not insecure about any of the 'effort' . She has asked me for a huge deal of input for the actual birthday party and I'm helping out with the preparations for that - at her request again.

OP posts:

verystressedmum · 19/01/2018 13:42

So the dc were going to her birthday party and then going to yours after got a birthday lunch?
Then yes the girl would probably be quite tired if she’s just turned 3 today.
It is a bit rude to cancel on the day but she probably doesn’t have a clue what you had planned, she probably thought she was coming to some nuggets and a caterpillar cake.

DancingOnRainbows · 19/01/2018 13:44

Someone other than very close family doing all that would freak me out personally.

Original poster

willawonder · 19/01/2018 13:44

The birthday party and birthday lunch are on two separate days !!!

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 19/01/2018 13:45

I wouldn't have wanted to risk upstaging my friend's birthday party for her own child by throwing an even bigger one at my house.

DancingOnRainbows · 19/01/2018 13:46

If she didn't know about all the effort, she hasn't cancelled a 'special' playdate. She's decided her dd will be knackered and assumed it wouldn't be an issue. Which it wouldn't be for a normal playdate

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2018 13:49

Ahhh that's a shame, mabey give the 3 balloons and table decorations to the mum at the party, or keep them for your dd.

Original poster

willawonder · 19/01/2018 13:50

But it totally wouldnt have been a 'bigger party'. The real birthday party will have a huge number of children, entertainers, a big cake etc.

This was just a birthday lunch on the actual birthday for her and her DD.

OK, so overall it sounds as if I am BU. I was in no way trying to rail road anybody's party. I can see how it might look that way though now and hadnt thought about it that way. I'm very fond of her DD who i know since she was tiny and just thought it would be nice for her.

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/01/2018 13:51

Play date was due tomorrow then? I think giving 24hrs notice to cancel a play date is absolutely fine!

helenoftroyville · 19/01/2018 13:51

I think you were overstepping some boundaries here and that's why she cancelled. Maybe reign yourself in a bit, bespoke cake, candles and a bed ready for her to nap, it's all a bit OTT

Appuskidu · 19/01/2018 13:56

I think it all sounds totally overwhelming for a 3 year old for the day after her birthday and the day before her party; I’m not surprised she’s cancelled-probably just wanted a quiet day.

Do you normally go so overboard for other people’s birthdays?

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/01/2018 13:56

I'm surprised they let you cancel the cake.

I think it is rude to cancel on the day.

PatriciaHolm · 19/01/2018 13:58

You managed to cancel a bespoke cake on the morning it was to be delivered? Wow.

TwitterQueen1 · 19/01/2018 13:58

OP your post is eerily similar to one that was on here a couple of days ago, where someone was moaning about nice she is to her SIL and how much effort she goes to and how she gets nothing back in return.

Your friend is perfectly entitled to cancel arrangements. She had no idea of all the effort you had gone to - which was (IMHO) completely over the top and crossing all kinds of boundaries. Tbh, I would be mightily pee'd of with you if you'd done something like that for my DD.

You see it as nice and caring and generous and I see it as interfering, intrusive and unnecessary.

NancyDonahue · 19/01/2018 13:58

The birthday party and birthday lunch are on two separate days !!!

The way you worded it in your op didn't make that completely clear. You said The reason she gave for cancelling is that her daughter's birthday party is taking place today which to me reads that she said 'today' yesterday, meaning both events were happening yesterday.

Thistlebelle · 19/01/2018 13:59

If this is very close friend, and she didn’t know about the expense you had gone to I’m a little surprised that you aren’t more understanding about the cancellation.

“tired” in reference to a three year old might mean lots of things eg has been having a raging tantrum all morning and isn’t good company, it might mean ill etc

Yes, it’s disappointing when you’ve made plans and things are cancelled but she’s your best friend - cut her some slack.

viques · 19/01/2018 14:01

but it wasn't "just a lunch " was it? It was a special chosen and cooked meal, a personalised cake, balloons, table decorations etc etc etc. 'Just a lunch ' before a three year old party with entertainers, lots of other children, a proper birthday cake ,party food, decorations, games,party bags etc should have been something simple and calm. not something guaranteed to wind them up , get them over excited and overload them with sugar.

I think your friend probably got a bit suspicious when you phoned up to check about the favourite food you were going to cook. IMO you have overstepped the good friend mark by a long way OP. I hope your friendship can survive this, if I was your friend I would be stepping back a bit and making sure my daughter had other friends with less intrusive parents.

SinglePringle · 19/01/2018 14:01

For what it’s worth OP, I don’t think you’ve gone over the top - it’s the kind of thing my best friend and I do for each other.

She’s probably in a bit of a flap / stressed about organising parties, fitting in family visits, managing her DD’s expectations, neutralising tantrums etc (plus she’s in the toddler fug) and decided had to give. You are probably (in her head) the most flexible as she sees you as ‘understanding’. She forgot the effort you normally go to and figured you’d be ok with it.

It’s a ball ache for you but try not to take it personally.

FurCoatFurKnickers · 19/01/2018 14:06

AIBU to think that cancelling on the morning of this planned special playdate was inconsiderate?

She cancelled on the day yet you were able to cancel the bespoke birthday cake?

Was it a microwave in the mug cake?

Andthatsthat · 19/01/2018 14:09

I don’t think you are BU to be pissed off. Surely when she agreed to these plans she would have had an inkling as to how tired this would make her DD? Why agree to/arrange this with you in the first place? You do sound like you have made over and above the required play date effort, but since when has that been a bad thing, to do something special for a close friend! I feel for you, I think you should take a lesson from this OP, never expect others to do for you as you would do for them, as you will mostly be disappointed. Don’t ever make any huge efforts for her like this again, it’s her loss

iatethepies · 19/01/2018 14:10

How did you manage to cancel a cake on the day of delivery? It does sound ott but if the friend knew nothing of the plans then that can't have been the reason she cancelled. I would be pissed off stay anyone cancelling plans on the day without a very good reason, I hate flaky people.

Originalfoogirl · 19/01/2018 14:11

I would have cancelled too. You definitely took that too far.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/01/2018 14:13

Didn't you do the same thing to the cake maker?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread