To not want to call MIL Mum?

[sunshinelolipops]

My MIL wants me to call her Mum and gets upset if I call her by her first name. I talked to Dh about it and he doesn't get the problem and thinks this is a normal thing to do. He is very defensive of his Mum.
I don't feel close to MIL and it feels awkward and weird to call her Mum. I am very close to my actual Mum. At the same time I don't want to upset her and have been humouring it but don't know how long I can keep it up for. I am also worried it might offend my actual mum if she heard me call her this.
My mum doesn't expect Dh to call her Mum, just by first name. I had never even heard of calling MILs Mum before.
Is this normal? What should I do?

Reader that’s more or less what I told my DH, when he was still the bf. He was trying to explain how that because I was his gf they are now my parents. He has grown up considerably since then, but they still think they are my parents.

So, that makes them both dead and buried then, doesn’t it?

My mum called her MIL "mum". It struck me as odd as a child. It's not a tradition i have followed!

I have never known anyone to do this. My parents never used the expression mother in law though.

I honestly don”t see why people are being so exercised about it. Some cultures, some families do it, some don’t. It seems to be quite common in Yorkshire where my pil live. And it is a bit of a class thing too- more common in working class communities I think. Just as Auntie X for grown ups is. It’s not a big deal- just a different way of doing things. Don’t take offence if you’re asked to do it- just say no tactfully and sensitively.

Bertrand my MIL sitting me down and asking me to call her Mum was honestly one of the most uncomfortable situations I've ever been in. I can't explain the adverse reaction that I had, other than to say it was deeply upsetting to feel pressured into calling her that when it's what I call my dearest one and only Mum! It felt so very forced and "put on" because I don't have a close relationship with her.

I have never heard of this . What would you then call your real mother?

@sunshinelolipops Just tell her that you don't want to call her Mum because she isn't your mum and is there something else she'd like you to call her instead of her first name?

I call my MIL, Mum. It's doesn't feel appropriate to call her by her first name and I had no relationship with my own mother, who is now dead, so it doesn't tread on anyone's toes.

Known my MIL for 37 years. Never Mum.. I had my own mum.. my MIL would NEVER have expected this. I call her by her first name as do all her DIL and SIL.

To be fair Bertrand, if it's something you're genuinely not familiar with, the reaction to it is quite visceral!

Having said that, your advice is good - just say no, tactfully and sensitively.

Oh god , I've had this too! It's weird. My SIL (lives abroad and has lost her parents) does and as her and BIL have been married lot longer it was what they are used to. It's weird. She is not my mum!! She would send texts saying "Dad was wondering if..." I think I must have made it clear that I don't want to do this and have over used their first names. This years Xmas card was signed using their first names not mum and dad. V pleased they took the hint!

My dear father, used to call my mothers’ mother Mum.
I never questioned it as a child and thought it sweet.
She was a lovely woman, and probably loved him like another son, and was grateful as he did DIY jobs around her house, when her husband and other son couldn’t.
I would never call my MIL mum, and my husband wouldn’t call mine mum either, although my mother has done lots for us.

I meant to say, don’t call this woman a name you’re not happy with, don’t let her dictate, just tell her you aren’t comfortable doing so, and feel it’s hurtful to your dear mother ( even if it isn’t 😀)

“To be fair Bertrand, if it's something you're genuinely not familiar with, the reaction to it is quite visceral!”

Absolutely. But then you respond like an adult. You don’t go on about incest and disrespect and all the other crap some people have been scattering al, over this thread.unless that is how you respond to any tradition from someone else’s family you’re not familiar with? Imagine my dp’s horror when after more than 10 years together he discovered that I thought that you leave your tooth for the Tooth Fairy in a glass of water beside your bed not under your pillow......

I get that not everyone calls their inlaws Mum and Dad, but how do the people that don't do that like them to sign Christmas cards that are sent to you as a family? Genuinely curious. My parents still signed cards naming all of us, grandchildren included, by the names I called them, even though my ex called them by Mr and Mrs and my children used appropriate grandparent names.

I know one person who calls his MiL 'Mum' and EVERY time I hear it (and they've been married 22 yrs now, so I've heard it a lot), it still makes me cringe.
I find it really, really odd. Someone being your Mum is a unique position.
However, what I also find weird is that you have 'humoured her' OP. By going along with it rather than expressing surprise and saying "no" in the first place, you have created an awkward situation.

It's personal choice. But I wouldn't no. And my mum doesn't expect my DH to call her Mum. That's a very personal thing and it's up to you. It's ok for you to say no.

My MIL would have been totally aghast if I’d used her first name, I couldn’t have done it. I settled on Ma & Pa if I needed to address them directly. My DILs call me by my name and I wouldn’t dream of asking them to call me anything else. It’s a generational thing.

Gosh, I am surprised that the nearly universal verdict is that YANBU. I disagree. I think the rule of thumb is that you call people what they want to be called, unless they are totally taking the piss.

A MIL who wants you to call her "Mum" presumably has very warm feelings towards you, or at least is trying very hard to "fake it till she makes it". It seems cold to rebuff her by refusing.

I was in the same situation as you, OP. I stalled for a few months by avoiding calling my MIL anything at all, but that was clearly ridiculous. Eventually I decided that I was being hurtful, and so I gave way.

Even after 15 years of calling her Mum, it never felt entirely natural to do so. But I always was touched that she thought of me as a daughter and wanted me to call her Mum. I still am.

No chance. Ever. She's not your mum!

Can we stop with the incest, cringing etc. Some people do some don’t. For me as I said earlier it’s cultural. It would be disrespectful to do anything else. Its just different to you. I was shocked the first time I had someone call their inlaws by their first name but I didn’t cringe! I just thought oh people do things differently!

Known my MIL for 36 years and wouldn't think of calling her mum.
If she doesn't like being call by her first name, then cal her Mrs Surname.

That's really weird. Would it make you feel better if you called her mumsy in an ironic way? TBH I think that your DHs attitude is more of a problem. Sort it out before tryingfir children.

Saracen, many MILS may be coming from the position of having warm feelings towards their DILs, but not my MIL.

She really is manipulative, she gas lightes and uses emotional blackmail and gets away with it because she tells everyone she is the matriarch. To keep her imaginary position she treats everyone who will allow her to as an errant child.

Her sister takes a different approach and has a great relationship with each of her DILs.

I have nothing to add except the marvellous scene in a Rosamunde Pilcher novel where the new MIL says, "My dear, I should like you to call me Marjorie."

"Odd," thinks our heroine, "as your name is Beryl. But whatever pleases," and dutifully addresses letters and cards to Marjorie.

It's years before she realises MIL had said "Madre".